4 men are golfing, one goes awat for a moment. the other 3 decide to talk about their sons success in life.
guy one: my son is so successfull he gave somebody $3m guy 2: my son is so successfull he gave somebody a mansion worth 4.5mill guy 3: my son isnt as successfull as yours, but he has enough, he gave somebody a sweet import car. guy 2: ok, here some rob. lets tease him about his son (who is a gay lap dancer) guy 1: so, rob, hows your son doing? rob: well, im not proud of what he is doing, but somebody gave him $3m, somebody else gave him a HUGE house and somebody else gave him a sweet car.
How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles? -Nail its other foot down.
This guy walks into a bar. As he is ordering his drink, he notices a jar full of money on a shelf. So he asks the bartender what it was for. He gets a reply saying, "it all goes to whoever makes my horse laugh". The man sets his drink down and heads over to the corner the bartender pointed to. He whispers something in the horses ear and horse starts laughing. The man then goes and collects his money and leaves.
The next day he comes back and sees the jar of money again. So he asks what its for this time. The bartender said, "anyone who can make my horse cry gets the jar of money". So th man walks over to the horse and starts doing some strange things in the corner. The horse starts crying. As he goes over to collect the money, the bartender asked him how he made his horse both laugh and cry. To which he got the reply, "well yesterday I told him my dick was bigger than his, and today I proved it".
How many Irish men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -Five. 1 to hold the lightbulb, and 4 to drink enough beer to make the room spin.
My French teacher told me these two blonde jokes, and they do not reference blondes at all, she's the blonde one.
A contractor is building a house for a million dollars. The client, a very rich man, dosen't want him to have anything left over. When the client returns after two months in Europe, the contractor has one brick left. Frantic, he throws the brick. The millionaire client checks out the house and says, "Here's your million dollars."
A plane was ready to take off, and there were two passengers, one with a small dog, and the other smoking a large cigar. The stewardess informed them of what they had on the plane, so they both threw them out the plane window. A few weeks later, as the plane was returning, they all see the dog on the runway. Q: Guess what the dog had in its mouth.
There is this geek walking down the street. Suddenly he sees a frog, which says to him: "Hmm kiss me, I'm a beautiful princess!!". The geek picks up the frog and just puts it in his pocket. "What are you doing? You are supposed to kiss me!", the frog yells. "Listen", says the geek, "I'm not interested in girls at all, but having a talking frog is just awesome".
Ok- I got two bad math jokes and then a generically offensive joke:
Why didn't the Russian mathematician go to the beach?
Because he thought the sin (sun) over the cos(coast) would give him a tan.
Yeah. That one's a lot better out loud.
A guy asks Jesus what the point of life is. Unperturbed, Jesus writes the following in the sand:
y = x(squared) + 2x + 4
And the guy's all like wtf? But Jesus is like: "you'll learn".
So later, he goes to one of Jesus's apostles and asks him to explain it. The guy says: "What do these letters and numbers mean?"
The Apostle answers: "Oh dont worry, that's just one of Jesus's PARABOLAS". . . . I said they were bad. Now the last one:
A guy goes into a bar and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks why he needs so much alcohol. The guy answers: "Well, to be honest, I just had my first bj."
Be bartender tries to liven him up: "WHat? That should be grounds for celebration. Here- I'll give you a martini on the house."
The guy downs his 4th shot and answers: "Nah- its ok. If 12 shots of whiskey wont get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will." . . . That joke is ok...
