This is the first scene of a game I'm currently writing. I have experience in writing (and directing, and acting) in short films and sketch comedy, so a longer format is new and very intriguing to me. Anyways, here it is, comments and criticism appreciated. Unfortuantly my formating doesn't work on these messages. Premise: What if a world existed in which Remus (slain brother of Romulus, founder of Rome) started a Roman Empire that gained control of the planet? Setting: Sci-Fi futuristic, complete with nano-technology (hence the forearm bands) Somewhat post-punk due to the poverty levels of the non-patricians (aristocratic party) Yet still contains a futuristic splendor of Rome, complete with a Colliseum (yeah baby, you can be a gladiator) and large temples, palaces, and the like. SCENE OPENS: Three women and two men dressed in drab clothing with steel bands around their forearms sit in a small dimly lit room. There is a light fixture that occasionally flickers on and off, accompanied by thin neon blue lights emanating a soft light from the walls. A dark, dirty steel table protrudes from the wall. All are sitting in makeshift chairs and eating a meager meal. (OPENS MID CONVERSATION) ARGENTA So then he tells her, “Your eyes light a fire in me the likes of which I’ve never felt!” SCIPIO It worked didn’t it? I got the password! TERRA Lunz, you said the same thing to me on our first date! LUNZ I actually meant it. You know I would never use a line on you, Scipio just stole it from me. SCIPIO Look, the bottom line is I have the password so Diana could break into the system. It doesn’t really matter that Lunz stole my line and used it on his future wife does it? CUT TO: ARMED GUARDS Armed guards, dressed in red metallic armor and silver helmets kick down a door to a building and proceed inside. CUT TO: TABLE SCENE Lunz is playfully choking Scipio, all three women are laughing. ARGENTA This never gets old. TERRA Honey, please stop it you’ll break the table again! ARGENTA Not unless he breaks Scipio first. CUT TO: ARMED GUARDS Guards move throughout the apartment complex in military fashion. All have arm cannons attached to their forearms as well as red SHIELDS with silver outlining. CAPTAIN Subjects are on floor five. Praetorians move! CUT TO: TABLE SCENE LUNZ (While choking Scipio) Tell..the...truth! SCIPIO Alright! Alright! Lunz releases Scipio SCIPIO Maybe I stole the line, but I figured as long as it stays in the family we both get to use it, right? Can we get down to business Mr. Leader Captain sir? LUNZ I guess it’s about that time. (To Terra) Sweetheart, could you go into the other room please? Terra smiles sadly, kisses Lunz, and exits the room. CUT TO: ARMED GUARDS RUNNING UP THE STAIRWELL CUT TO: TABLE SCENE LUNZ Diana, what’d you come up with? DIANA Diocletian’s palace will be harder to break into than I anticipated. Diana hits a few buttons on her forearm band DIANA I’m sending you all the layout now. The security system is based on heat and movement signatures, I can shut down the heat signature systems but movement will be too difficult. ARGENTA So I guess that means I’m out. Pity. A red light flashes in the room. CUT TO: PRAETORIANS SLOWLY MOVING IN TWO BY SIX FORMATION DOWN THE HALL CUT TO: TABLE SCENE SCIPIO Oh, shit. LUNZ Split up, meet at the rendezvous point in three hours. Diana, your with Scipio. ARGENTA Good luck my little lovelies. Argenta hits a series of buttons on her armband and disappears. ARGENTA See you soon. Lunz, Scipio, and Diana run out of the room. LUNZ I have to get Terra! Diana anxiously grabs her equipment and begins to throw it into a bag. SCIPIO No time! Let’s move it! Scipio moves towards the window CUT TO: PRAETORIANS BREAKING INTO THE APARTMENT CAPTAIN Seize anyone inside on grounds of treason! Lunz runs across the hall shooting a few rounds of electric currents out of his arm band. LUNZ Terra? Lunz searches a few rooms, then runs into the bathroom. He moves away the shower curtain to find Terra huddled inside. CUT TO: SCIPIO AND DIANA Scipio hits a series of buttons on his armband. His body tenses up and his eyes change from a bright green to a dark shade of purple. Diana grabs onto his back. Scipio jumps out the window to an amazing height, and continues to go further up by pushing off of the building adjacent to his own. After scaling thirty stories by jumping from wall to wall he and Diana make it to the rooftop. DIANA Lunz! CUT TO: LUNZ AND TERRA Lunz is in a gunfight with the Praetorians outside, Terra is still huddled in the bathtub as shards shot off the wall fly past her face. Lunz turns around a shoots a hole through the wall behind him. LUNZ Let’s go Terra. Lunz picks Terra up from the bathtub and slings her tiny frame over his shoulder. After firing a few more rounds he runs and jumps out the hole and crashes through the window of the building across from his own. A family is sitting at a table eating dinner. They stare blankly at Lunz, who still has Terra over his shoulder. LUNZ Looks delicious. Lunz begins to run out of the room. TERRA (Terra, drapped over Lunz, waves) Sorry about the window! Your quarters look lovely! CUT TO: PREATORIANS CAPTAIN (Over intercom) This is Captain Valerius, we have two subjects escaping on foot heading south. All units be advised they are hostile and should be taken down as in accordance with the twenty-two tables. CUT TO: SCIPIO AND DIANA Scipio, with Diana on his back, jumps from rooftop to rooftop in a cat-like fashion. He then scales down a building wall and drops to the alley below. Diana is still holding on tightly, eyes closed. SCIPIO (Panting) Diana, you can let go now. Diana reluctantly lets go of Scipio. SCIPIO You ok? We’re safe, I think. Diana turns around and looks at Scipio. She then begins to slap him. DIANA Did you have to jump so high EVERY single time? SCIPIO Well, maybe you shouldn’t have helped me alter my jumping and reflexes if you weren’t able to handle being on my back. DIANA Maybe you should be more respectful to a lady’s needs sometimes. SCIPIO Lady? You? You’re Diana, you're not a lady. DIANA (Shocked)This conversation is over. Let’s just go to the rendezvous point. SCIPIO No talking aloud? DIANA No talking aloud. (Pause) Where’s the rendezvous point? Scipio stares blankly. DIANA Ok, talking is aloud. Scipio stares blankly. Diana hits him again. DIANA By the gods now I know why Lunz chokes you so much! SCIPIO Temple of Quirinus in the Sabine Sector my lady. DIANA That's more like it. END SCENE 1 [Edited by - SCDumbFounDeD on September 12, 2006 10:11:24 PM]

Are you sure this is for a game? It seems more like it's for the screen.

If this is intended to be game exposition, please specify whether it's in the context of gameplay, or whether it's meant as an introductory cutscene of some sort. It's hard to give any comments or criticism without knowing that, since it greatly affects the narrative.

More information is needed about the setting! From what you've got here I can figure out some stuff. The names show the Greco-Roman influence, and the religion is evidently polytheistic. But there's some sort of science or magic at work in this society. It sounds bronzepunk, which is a setting I've not often seen - you've definately got that uniqueness going for you.

Let's see more!

Thats a nice script.
Very detailed.

But just like the previous poster had said, " This script should go for a short film or even in a book or something". But it all depends on what you are using the material for. So with a little bit more detail on what you are working on may help with more efiecent critism.

Another thing that reminds me of your story goes back to the script of Serenity.
Futuristic style with a hint of comedy in it which works.

Can wait to read some more of your work.

Good Job.

See you in the future of Gaming.

Sorry for the lack of detail. But this is meant to be an opening scene to a game, after that last line the start of the game would kick in and Scipio and Diana would find their way to the Temple.

To answer the next question, this is meant to be a greco-roman futuristic based game. It annoys me sometimes if there is too much explanation before someone gives in a portion of their story, but I guess I gave too little. So here are a few details. (Sorry)

Premise: What if a world existed in which Remus (slain brother of Romulus, founder of Rome) started a Roman Empire that gained control of the planet?

Setting: Sci-Fi futuristic, complete with nano-technology (hence the forearm bands) Somewhat post-punk due to the poverty levels of the non-patricians (aristocratic party) Yet still contains a futuristic splendor of Rome, complete with a Colliseum (yeah baby, you can be a gladiator) and large temples, palaces, and the like.

Thank you for the feedback, and keep it coming!

Yea! I could see it all now.
I knew that is what you were going after.
I just didn't know if thats where you were actually going.heh!
Anyways.

So what kind of feedback are you looking for?
I can see the storyline unfold in this setting.
I have a very creative imagination.
Its like being there.
Being in Rome and making it in a futuristic setting would be grand.

Bulldog

Oh by the way don't be sorry.
Your writing is creative.

It's a very good opening scene. It seemed obvious to me that it was a cut scene and I like it. Straight into the action with these interesting characters. It's immediately gripping and gets the intrigue rolling straight away because you've got your audience asking numerous questions; who are these guys? What's so special about the Palace they're trying to break into? Why are they trying to break into it? Why are the authorities after them? Why does Terra have to leave the room? Why does the fact that Diana can't shut down the movement sensors mean Argenta can't help out?

All these things will keep people playing so they can satisfy their curiosity. I'd guess that you plan to answer at least some of these questions pretty quickly, whilst advancing the narrative and bringing in more questions at the same time.

The dialogue is nice too. It's fast moving and snappy. Even though there isn't that much on the characters (because the scene is short), they're still interesting. The two guys, Lunz and Scipio seem really cool and strong and witty, Diana seems like the brains of the operation, whilst Terra seemed out of the loop, possessed of some unspoken sorrow and physically weak. I would hope that Argenta possesses some kind of awesome physical ability or you'll be in danger reminding me of the RPG cliche where men have lots of HP and strong attacks, and women are physically weak but have great healing magic lol.

It has a lot of potential. Keep it up! Do you have a development team? Have a read of my RPG synopsis - Reflections of Sorrow and tell us what ya think :)

Its a good start, but I think it needs some tightening. There seems little in the way of new plot information once the police squad enters the apartment. Character development is great and all, but remember players have a whole game to get to know these people. And unless players can do some of those physical actions once they take control (like jumping from wall to wall inorder to scale a building) it breaks the immersion factor.

My advice would be to scale way back on the character stuff. Hint at it now, and play it up later when players speak to NPCs and the like. Keep the action direct and simple. A quick conversation about haveing the password, cut to the police force entering the building. Then back to the main characters whom react to a early warning detector (perhapse have the Terra character rush into the room to warn them). Have them quickly set-up the "meet at the Temple" objective and vanish through secret passageways just as the police force burst through the door. Its simple and direct, doesn't waste time overloading players with too much potentialy useless info to start with.

Quote: Original post by MSW
Its a good start, but I think it needs some tightening. There seems little in the way of new plot information once the police squad enters the apartment. Character development is great and all, but remember players have a whole game to get to know these people. And unless players can do some of those physical actions once they take control (like jumping from wall to wall inorder to scale a building) it breaks the immersion factor.

My advice would be to scale way back on the character stuff. Hint at it now, and play it up later when players speak to NPCs and the like. Keep the action direct and simple. A quick conversation about haveing the password, cut to the police force entering the building. Then back to the main characters whom react to a early warning detector (perhapse have the Terra character rush into the room to warn them). Have them quickly set-up the "meet at the Temple" objective and vanish through secret passageways just as the police force burst through the door. Its simple and direct, doesn't waste time overloading players with too much potentialy useless info to start with.

MSW,
Thanks alot, great critique. It'd really be alot more in your face if the player immediatly has to start running away from the police. I'll def. be changing that around.

Thanks for the reply.

No development team yet. I do the projects myself. I do get some suggestions and ideas from friends and family but thats about it. Right now it would be nice to start a dev team but I am about to move from California To Ohio sometime in Oct. 06. Maybe when I get there things will change.

I did read your RPG Synopsis. Its great.
Alot of people will tell you write this way or write that way and its all good in their own opinion. Maybe thats how the characters will react but I doubt it will be like that all the time. Write the way you would see it visually. But its also nice to get feedback as well.

Keep up the creative writing.

BullDog.

Quote: Original post by SCDumbFounDeD

Quote: Original post by MSW
Its a good start, but I think it needs some tightening. There seems little in the way of new plot information once the police squad enters the apartment. Character development is great and all, but remember players have a whole game to get to know these people. And unless players can do some of those physical actions once they take control (like jumping from wall to wall inorder to scale a building) it breaks the immersion factor.

My advice would be to scale way back on the character stuff. Hint at it now, and play it up later when players speak to NPCs and the like. Keep the action direct and simple. A quick conversation about haveing the password, cut to the police force entering the building. Then back to the main characters whom react to a early warning detector (perhapse have the Terra character rush into the room to warn them). Have them quickly set-up the "meet at the Temple" objective and vanish through secret passageways just as the police force burst through the door. Its simple and direct, doesn't waste time overloading players with too much potentialy useless info to start with.

MSW,
Thanks alot, great critique. It'd really be alot more in your face if the player immediatly has to start running away from the police. I'll def. be changing that around.

No problem, glad you took it so well :)

Also, and this isn't aimed exactly at you...more a general bit of advice.

Remember that the medium is a VISUAL one. Pictures are worth a thousand words, use them wisely...

I've had a stint in the film buisness working behind the scenes on several independant films. In my experience so few directors understand blocking a scene inorder to maximize thier stories potential...especialy action scenes...Its no wonder Spielburg, Cameron, and a few others are considered great modern action movie directors. They know how to block the action, to make it cohesive, exciteing, even spectacular without resorting to MTV style flash cuts and camera angles.

For example its common knowledge in film circles that action moveing from screen left to right seems to project forward motion...as if this is the right way to go, it moves the plot forward, etc..(its no coincidence that old school platformers and shooters like R-Type had the player mostly moveing left to right) While action that moves from right to left signals to our brain that something isn't right, that the plot has stalled and needs imeadiate corrective action, and/or that those characters are opposed to the protagonists directing the plot forward

A clear example of this is the "truck chase" in the film Raiders of the Lost Ark...Indiana Jones must take back the Ark that was placed on a truck...he first mounts a horse and rides to intercept...at this point the plot has stalled and needs imeadiate corrective action (I.E. Indy must get the Ark back) Notice that as indy on horseback finds the Truck convoy he is shown rideing right to left. But when he jumps from the horse to the truck the action switches to a general left to right direction (signaling that the plot is moveing forward again...Indy has reached his goal of intercepting the truck)...Later in the scene a soldier knocks Indy from the truck and he must use his whip to climb back onboard...nearly this entire bit of the sequence is shot right to left indicateing another plot setback...its no coincidence that when the scene comes to a close the Truck is shown driveing left to right into the court yard where Indy has it hidden away...Even in smaller shorter shots within this squence the same general principals are involved (notice the general screen left/right direction characters are shown looking)...Cameron and a few noteable directors do the same subtle thing, and thier work stands up because of it. (in Terminator 2, a second film unit shot the Truck crashing through the water canal overpass...but it was shot from the wrong angle, with the Truck moveing left/right...so the wizards at ILM flipped the shot so the truch moved right/left and additionaly corrected details like street signs that would give the flipped shot away)

Anyway, take all that as you will...not really directed at you, but I hope you find it usefull :D