Last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a
cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by
the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......


BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........


Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.


BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........


He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin.


Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started
walking briskly home.


BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........


He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........


BUMP........BUMP......

BUMP........BUMP.....

BUMP........BUMP......


The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......


BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......

BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......

BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......


He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .


BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.


Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and lumped into his comfy chair.


Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....


BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...


BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...


In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could
take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........


BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...


The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and
launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the
bathroom door flew off its hinges....


The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young
terrified lad.


BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...


In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet......


He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin....... still it came .


BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...


He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....


Still it came......


BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...


He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it .still it came......


BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...


He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........


The coffin stopped.

[Edited by - aidan_walsh on November 9, 2005 5:14:40 PM]

------------------------------------------------
What do you call four mexicans in quick sand?




Quanto Sinco
------------------------------------------------

[Edited by - Servant of the Lord on November 9, 2005 5:21:11 PM]

2B || !2B

Why did the hard drive have low self esteem? Because it was FAT.

Five peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted...

Peanut.

by bad jokes, they ment dirty, not crappy

How did the constipated mathematician solve his constipation problem?

He worked it out with pencil (rim shot).

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette get marooned on an island. After setting up a camp, they unearth a magic lamp. A genie came out and said that he would grant them each a single wish.
The Brunette said: "I wish I was back home, and that I had one billion dollars." and she was gone.
The redhead: "I wish that I was back home with TEN million dollars, a house, and five cars." and she was gone.

the blonde said: "I wish I had my friends with me."

A blond, a brunette, and a redhed have just robbed a bank. They're driving away in their getaway car when they hear sirens.

"Oh no!" says the brunette, the leader. "The cops are on our tail, we have to ditch the car and hide!" The redhead (the driver) aims the car towards a cliff and they all jump out at the same time. The only things they could find to hide in are their sacks of money, so each climbs in their own.

Finally, the policeman catches up, and sees nothing but three sacks and a broken guard rail. He decides to investigate. He walks up to the sack which hides the brunette and kicks it.

"MEOW MEOW!" Thinking that there's only a cat in there, he kicks the redhead's bag
"WOOF WOOF!" Thinking that there's only a dog in there, he kicks the blond's bag

"POTATOES POTATOES!!"

Quote: Original post by heavy_bolter
A constant and an e^x were walking down the street when they see a derivative coming down the street.

The constant starts freakin' out, they jump into an alley and he begins to scream, "Man! I'm not gonna make it, he's gonna wipe me off the face of the earth!".

e^x tells him "Don't you worry, he can't do anything to me, I'll ambush him and then you'll be fine"

So e^x waits in the alley and jumps out at the derivative, and says "Hi, I'm e^x."

The derivative smiles and says "Hi, I'm d/dy"

can someone plz explain that one? my maths is a bit rusty :P

Quote: Original post by dAmAtA_cHiP

Quote: Original post by heavy_bolter
A constant and an e^x were walking down the street when they see a derivative coming down the street.

The constant starts freakin' out, they jump into an alley and he begins to scream, "Man! I'm not gonna make it, he's gonna wipe me off the face of the earth!".

e^x tells him "Don't you worry, he can't do anything to me, I'll ambush him and then you'll be fine"

So e^x waits in the alley and jumps out at the derivative, and says "Hi, I'm e^x."

The derivative smiles and says "Hi, I'm d/dy"

can someone plz explain that one? my maths is a bit rusty :P

Pretty Little Polynomial and Curly Pi
Once upon a time (1/t) pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent, and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never, ever enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the basis that it was insufficient, and made her way in amongst the complex elements.

Rows and columns closed in on her from all sides. Tangents approached her surface, and she became tenser and tenser. Quite suddenly, two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, became unstable, lost all sense of directrix, tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf, and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. She was completely divergent by the time she reached the turning point. When she rounded off once more, she found herself inverted, apparently alone in a non-euclidean space.

She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. He wondered, was she convergent? He decided to integrate improperly at once.

Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly Pi approaching with his lower series extended. She could see at once his degenerate conic and his dissipative terms, and knew he was irrational. "Arcsinh!" she gasped.

"Hey, what's your sine?" he asked. "What a symmetric set of asymptotes you have!"

"Stay away from me!" she protested. "I haven't got any brackets on!"

"Calm yourself, my dear!" said the smooth operator.. "Your fears are purely imaginary."

"i, i, ..." she thought, "Perhaps he's not normal, but homologous."

"What order are you?" the brute suddenly demanded.

"Seventeen," replied Polly.

Curly leered, "I suppose you've never been operated upon?"

"Of course not. I'm absolutely convergent!" Polly replied quite properly.

"Come on," said Curly: "Let's go to decimal place I know of, and I'll take you to the limit."

"Never!" gasped Polly..

"Abscissa!" he swore a violent oath. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places, and began smoothing her points of inflection. Poor Polly Nomial! The algorithm method was now her only hope. She felt him approaching her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever. There was no mercy; Curly was a heavy side operator. His radius squared itself and Polly's loci quivered. He integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. After he cofactored, he performed Runge-Kutta on her. He even went all the way around and did a contour integration. Curly went on operating until he satisfied her hypotheses, then he exponentiated and became completely orthogonal.

When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally, they took her to L'Hopital and generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to deviation.

The moral of this tale is: "If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom."

Now that's what I call getting your Mathematical Pundamentals right.