Quote:

By the way, is the way this thing works is that we give our opinion of all the pieces for discussion, or do we only provide feedback by request?

I know this question wasn't directed to me, but as a suggestion for next round, it is better if the contestants prepare self-critiques in advance during the voting period (so, after the deadline of submission). There is not much reason to provide feedback before the entrant displayed a self-critique, because you will be likely to hit what the entrants already know. The idea is that after the entrants posted their self-critiques, everyone knows what the entrances didn't know, and thus the discussion is concentrated on improvements. It is not normal to provide feedback by request.

I have some items about E8 that TrapperZoid and s/s didn't mention.

I also have some for s/s that she didn't mention. For s/s, please include what you would have done if you had more time. Otherwise I might just say something that you already know and that will be a waste of time. Let me explain just a little bit:

Quote:

Oh, I'm supposed to be finding flaws here, huh? Well, there are some tense shifts, from present to past and back again. And a missing close parenthesis. >.< Things I can only hope I would have caught if I'd had time to edit. Also it might have made more sense to use the Chinese name for the chakra rather than the Sanskrit one, but I really wasn't sure what ethnicity Shai was supposed to be or where the game was supposed to be set - seemed like it could be pretty much anywhere in primitive Northern or Central Eurasia.

These are very trivial flaws. Did you see more?

Quote:

Original post by Trapper Zoid By the way, is the way this thing works is that we give our opinion of all the pieces for discussion, or do we only provide feedback by request?

Whichever you like - giving your opinion of the entries is nice but not mandatory.

Quote:

Original post by Estok I also have some for s/s that she didn't mention. For s/s, please include what you would have done if you had more time. Otherwise I might just say something that you already know and that will be a waste of time. Let me explain just a little bit: Quote: Oh, I'm supposed to be finding flaws here, huh? Well, there are some tense shifts, from present to past and back again. And a missing close parenthesis. >.< Things I can only hope I would have caught if I'd had time to edit. Also it might have made more sense to use the Chinese name for the chakra rather than the Sanskrit one, but I really wasn't sure what ethnicity Shai was supposed to be or where the game was supposed to be set - seemed like it could be pretty much anywhere in primitive Northern or Central Eurasia. These are very trivial flaws. Did you see more?

I agree that those are trivial flaws, I also listed what I consider to be the major flaws that the format was not as specified and the entry lacked information on Anahata's past and his current goal/motivation. Hmm, anything else? Well, I probably should have said what powers the chackra wings actually gave him. I was trying to hint that he had strong empathy because he knew so much about Shai's past and evaluated her just by looking at her, but I'm not sure if that came through. Also, it would have been good to describe his appearance more.

The real problem is that I did not know what the exact word limit was. So if I had known what the exact word limit was and had had more time I would have corrected the above flaws by adding some paragraphs of character background/bio at the bottom, and maybe cutting a paragraph out of the scene if necessary to stay within the word limit. I might also have asked 5MG what Shai's intended ethnicity was, and switched to a differen version of the chakra name if it was more appropriate. Then if I had lots more time I would have tried to figure out how to make it feel less cliche - perhaps the added details of his appearance and background would have taken care of that problem though, by making him seem more of a unique individual. That's all I would have done. Like I said, I'm pretty happy with the way it turned out. [smile]

So feel free to critique it, I'm always curious to hear what everyone else thinks of my stuff.

Writing in the wrong format is not a flaw of the writing. The flaws I see have nothing to do with the word limit. They are about the way you presented what you already did.

First item:

1) The Chakra Master raised eyebrows two times. What emotion did you want to communicate?

Quote:

Original post by Estok Writing in the wrong format is not a flaw of the writing. The flaws I see have nothing to do with the word limit. They are about the way you presented what you already did. First item: 1) The Chakra Master raised eyebrows two times. What emotion did you want to communicate?

Oh, are we going to do this in question and answer format then?

Psychologically, raising the eyebrows always indicates some variety of surprise. Specifically, raising both eyebrows indicates true surprise, disbelief, or startlement, while raising one eyebrow indicates skepticism, doubt, often with a hint of superiority.

1) Why is the Chakra Master surprised?

Quote:

Original post by Estok 1) Why is the Chakra Master surprised?

In the first case, he doubts that Shai understands the significance and repurcussions of offering to do whatever is necessary to gain the chakra power, i.e. sacrificing the very anger which is her major motivation. In the second case he is surprised by her proposed solution and also doubts whether she will be able to give up her anger, and if she does whether she will continue to persue her revenge, because her sense of honor and duty will be different.

1) Shai did not change her goal to gain power. Why should the Chakra Master feel surprised?

Quote:

I was trying to hint that he had strong empathy because he knew so much about Shai's past and evaluated her just by looking at her, but I'm not sure if that came through.

I think that the Chakra Master didn't come through as very empathetic because the raising eyebrows broke it. It gave the reader a sense that the Chakra Master didn't really know Shai that much. Although the mentioning that Shai was a mother in the past conveyed that idea, the connection didn't survive due to the raising eyebrows. The raising of the eyebrows appeared belittling, as if the Chakra Master was making fun of Shai. Those two actions destroyed the connection established periously, undermining the claim that

"[after you got the wings], you will be able to feel others' pain more intensely, because you have no passions of your own to block them out."

This creates a discrepancy between the Master's attitude and the power he claims to have. Therefore the Master didn't appear to have a strong empathy.

What do you think?

I think that just because you can feel someone's emotions doesn't mean you can predict what they will do or say. The chakra master is himself passionless, so strongly passionate and reckless people like Shai are always a little surprising to him. And he was laughing at her a little bit, because he thinks she is reckless and clueless and may end up with a totally different result than what she wants.

If you look at the part where he mentions her being a mother he is already being somewhat belittling because he mentions so casually something that hurts her so badly. From the beginning where he says "No, it is not for you." he is talking to her like an adult to a child, because he thinks she is unreasonably clinging on to her grief, pain, and rage. It's true that he can feel her pain, bit I don't think he's ever really sympathetic to her in the scene. And yes, I suppose not being sympathetic would run counter to giving the impression of having strong empathy.

What did you think of the chakra master as a character, did you like him or think he was interesting? (Also just to let you know, I'm going to sleep now, so I won't be able to continue this discussion for about 8 hours.)

The chakra master is not very interesting because he has no notion of 'himless'. He is like a clone, a replaceble copy of chakra masters. He is like a paper with doctrines written on it, the same doctrines of all chakra masters of the same kind. When you turn the paper, it is blank. If you lose the paper, you can get another copy at another monastery. Overall, you have not characterized him to a point that makes him an individual. You are correct that you need to customize him more, because you have described nothing beyond his stereotype.

Compared to the blind monk, we know his goal, he is somewhat special (among the monks) because he is blind. In addition, the encounter with the maiden makes him unique, because the maiden left a bell for him, and the bell had a meaning to both the monk and the maiden. That made him special. Anahata is inert. The existence of Shai had no impact on him. So that didn't help.

As an metaphor, a flower must bloom wherever two characters meet. Every good fictional interaction must create a semantic fruit from the mutual transaction. Your scene had only one side.



Second item:

2) Did the Master believe that the children were in danger?