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Original post by Estok I voted. It wasn't counted.

No you didn't. You didn't vote in either round. I've checked twice the last message I have from you is your third submission of your entry. If you did vote you didn't send the PM to me.

Here's my brief opinion on each of the entries (other than my own, I've already provided that). I'll break it up into threes like sunandshadow for slightly easier reading.

It was interesting to see how everyone else's version of the world different from mine. I had thought that the winning entry in round 1 had been set in a more real world environment, whereas nearly everyone else had a fantastical element included. I'm not saything that this was wrong, as the intro was quite vague about what kind of world it was set in, but I found the differing styles to be an interesting set of views on the same piece of writing.

Entry 1 - Soroland/Sanglante

This was one of my favourite entries, because I felt the characters have a lot of potential. Having two characters entwined with differing motives would fit in very well to a game story. And I really like offering the player as Shai the opportunity to side with one of the two characters.

My main problem with this is that neither Soroland or Sanglante are very well developed, especially Soroland; I'm not sure what his motives are, or what is personality is like (other than dark and brooding). It is also left unclear exactly what happened to curse these two people at the prison, and exactly what significance the tattoos have.

Entry 2 - Shai

With this piece, I thought the concept of vengence was carried quite well throughout the writing. The concept of souls and the religous element were good too, although I would like to have seen just a little bit more on this concept.

However, my main criticism with this piece is that, as the main character in a game story, the only quality that Shai seems to have is as a creature of pure vengence. This means her character is stuck in the same position that it was at the end of the intro, with no prospect of development. This might be fine for an action game, but I think it would be better from a story perspective if Shai was given the opportunity to transcend pure revenge and become something better, in order to beat her opponents not just on a physical level but on an emotional one as well.

Entry 3 - Aeger

This is also one of my favourites; I like the concept of a somewhat ambigous character which is somewhere between a mentor and an adversary. I can definitely see this type of character being a good addition to a story based game, like an RPG. I also like that Aeger is trying to steer Shai away from the path of pure venegence, because I think that would have to be an important part of the story started in the introduction.

I would have liked a bit more info on exactly what that tattoo of an eye does, however. It's implied that this separates him from the Leersmen, but I would like to know how.

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Original post by Trapper Zoid Here's my brief opinion on each of the entries (other than my own, I've already provided that). I'll break it up into threes like sunandshadow for slightly easier reading. It was interesting to see how everyone else's version of the world different from mine. I had thought that the winning entry in round 1 had been set in a more real world environment, whereas nearly everyone else had a fantastical element included. I'm not saything that this was wrong, as the intro was quite vague about what kind of world it was set in, but I found the differing styles to be an interesting set of views on the same piece of writing.

Lol I broke them up like that because that's the most I could review at one time before I got exhausted and wanted to play a game or take a napp for a while. [wink]

Personally I didn't think that the original entry implied anything fantastical about the world, but it's easy to add that sort of thing without being untrue to the original, and making the tattoo magical was the only way I could think of to make it cool/interesting in a historical setting.

Continuing with entries 4, 5 and 6...

Entry 4 - Shin

It's a pity that this entry didn't include a tattoo, because Shin is an interesting character. I always like mentor characters, particularly if they're different from the Merlin types. And I always like eccentrics. I got a pretty good picture in my head of what sort of character Shin would be, which is a sign of good writing.

I'm just not sure how well Shin would tie into Shai's story, though. Why would this guy tag along on Shai's quest of revenge?

Entry 5 - Kael of Krome

As I've already said, I was a bit surprised to see a "Kael", since that was the placeholder name I had for my character. Very glad I didn't go with that in the end.

I liked this entry, probably because it tied in well with the feel of the intro; I could see the character in the same world that I had envisaged. I also like the potential substories provided by having a broken family.

However, I'm also not sure how Kael fits into Shai's story. I'm also not sure exactly what importance that tattoo has; is it just purely an identifying mark for Kael's siblings, or does it have greater significance? There's also very little to describe Kael's personality, other than his disarming stare.

Entry 6 - Micah

Micah, the bard in a world of warriors, could be an interesting character, but there isn't really enough description here of how he fits into this savage world. I'm really not sure why Shai would allow Micah to tag along, as this isn't explained. I'm also not sure what significance the tattoo has. I'd also like a bit more info on the personality of Micah, since it is a bit underdeveloped.

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Original post by sunandshadow Lol I broke them up like that because that's the most I could review at one time before I got exhausted and wanted to play a game or take a napp for a while. [wink]

I know, but I liked it like that. Huge slabs of text can be daunting to read, and it's a lot easier to edit it down to relevant quotes when you are replying to a comment on your own entry.

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Personally I didn't think that the original entry implied anything fantastical about the world, but it's easy to add that sort of thing without being untrue to the original, and making the tattoo magical was the only way I could think of to make it cool/interesting in a historical setting.

That's true too, and I thought your concept of having a magic tattoo wasn't too far from the world in my mind (I did include a shaman, after all, albeit one without any obvious magic powers). It's just a lot of the entries seemed more suited to a fantasy RPG, which jarred a bit from the "blood and barbarians" setting I got from the intro.

Speaking of which, I'll finish off with entries 7, 9 and 10 (entry 8 is mine, I've already reviewed that).

Entry 7 - Airre Running-In-Flowers

I really liked Airre as a character. It might be because the warrior girl stereotype has been used time and time again, but I still got a very vivid picture of what kind of character Airre was in my head. I also liked that her personality was reasonably well presented, she has some flaws that make her interesting, and there's potential to write a lot of interesting stuff about her.

My main gripe would be that Airre is a bit too cartoonish for the world presented in the intro; she seems very well suited for a bright colourful Japanese RPG, but not really for Shai's band of blood-splattered barbarians. And while I did like the fact that there were a lot of interesting questions raised about her past and the significance of her tattoo at the end, I would like to have seen them answered (although I can respect that fact that due to editing these might have to have been cut for space requirements).

I also think that having Airre wear a robe a few sizes too big and tripping all the time, while carrying a tomahawk in her sleeve and a scythe on her back is a tragic accident just waiting to happen [grin].

Entry 9 - Anahata

My main problem with this one is that it isn't really a character profile, but more of a character scene, but the author has already acknowledged that. I also got a bit confused by the use of the name Shin (that missionary does not really fit in as an obvious love interest!) [smile]

The writing and dialog is very good, and I really do like having Shai to give up her anger to become something stronger. I do like the concept of Shai having to give up her emotional drive for revenge in order to recieve the power she needs to achieve her vengence. Although if this is the fourth chakra, does this mean Shai has already gained the power of three chakra, and likewise sacrificed three parts of herself to gain that power?

However, Anahata is still a bit of an enigma in this piece (mostly due to it not being a profile, I guess).

And if Shai is worried about forgetting her mission, couldn't she just tattoo a reminder note on herself? Although I suppose if this is the fourth in a long line of tattoo chakras, she mightn't have any skin left [grin].

Entry 10 - Chiba, Ichiwa

This entry was a bit too brief to get any feel of exactly what kind of character Ichiwa is like. I also don't know what the seal of Chiba tattoo is for, and there's no mention of how Ichiwa is important to the story of Shai.

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Original post by TechnoGoth Quote: Original post by Estok I voted. It wasn't counted. No you didn't. You didn't vote in either round. I've checked twice the last message I have from you is your third submission of your entry. If you did vote you didn't send the PM to me.

I was concerned about this, so I looked into it. Estok, your user activity page shows 3 PMs sent on 9/30/2005 with the last being at 7:54:12 PM. So, that must have been your entry because of the date. I don't see any PMs sent after that.

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Original post by Trapper Zoid Although if this is the fourth chakra, does this mean Shai has already gained the power of three chakra, and likewise sacrificed three parts of herself to gain that power?

Lol I didn't think of that possibility, I guess because I'm not really interested in the gameplay of a revenge-themed game. But I suppose that would be a very standard game thing to do, have Shai going around collecting a tattoo for each Chakra. Story-wise I don't think it would work - if she has to sacrifice most of her personality to get this one, by the time she got all 7 she would have no personality left, lol.

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original post from sunandshadow Entry 5 - Kael I thought Kael seemed like the most attractive of the characters, someone artists would enjoy illustrating and players would enjoy looking at. Although I think he should wash the blood off of his clothes. Unfortunately he is all looks and no substance. He does not appear to have a goal in life, a personality, or any strong motivation. He has a tattoo that seems to indicate some vague divinity and destiny, but neither he nor we have any idea what it means or why he has it. And we don't care either, since being born with a tattoo is apparently normal in this world if all his siblings were born with their own tattoos. It's mildly interesting that his father gave him to the barbarians to protect him, but the implications and emptional repurcussions of this are not explored. This entry needed edited a little. A 'hoard' is a pile of loot, while a 'horde' is a band of barbarians. 'Graciously' meanse generously or politely, and is not an appropriate adjective for how one survives a battle. And I laughed out loud when I read the phrase 'extremely awesome' because it was so out of place.

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original post by Trapper Zoid As I've already said, I was a bit surprised to see a "Kael", since that was the placeholder name I had for my character. Very glad I didn't go with that in the end. I liked this entry, probably because it tied in well with the feel of the intro; I could see the character in the same world that I had envisaged. I also like the potential substories provided by having a broken family. However, I'm also not sure how Kael fits into Shai's story. I'm also not sure exactly what importance that tattoo has; is it just purely an identifying mark for Kael's siblings, or does it have greater significance? There's also very little to describe Kael's personality, other than his disarming stare.

Well, I had fun doing this entry, which is something I've not had a lot of practise at doing for the last couple of years, but I thought I'd give it a shot.

My first draft of this character actually started out as a very nasty person - then I changed it slightly by introducing him as a King's son, then when I re-read the intro for the nth time, I demoted him to a noble's son and made him a bit more mysterious and less of a nutter....at the end of the day though, it wasn't as polished as it should have been and, due to lack of time, I just entered it as it was (yes, even complete with simple spelling mistakes, tch tch).

The character wasn't born with a tattoo, but marked with one shortly after birth, but obviously this didn't come over as it should have. Also, a couple of phrases may have felt out of place for the piece (me mucking things around had a lot to do with this!), but it least it gave a chuckle if nothing else :)

As to the voting, it is very poor indeed - the competition should certainly be highlighted more when going into the voting round, if not sooner.

I've no idea yet whether I'll enter in the other stages, but I'll certainly be watching how it goes and I wish everyone good luck!!.

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Original post by Trapper Zoid Quote: Original post by Estok Do you see anything wrong specifically about your writing style? (especially this part) Quote: His skills include an ability with medicines, and can heal minor wounds in battle. He is also an accomplished scout, and can survey a battleground before an attack. Although he does not know it, he is also a natural tactitian. He can offer sound battle planning advice if Shai is willing to hear it, although he will only offer it if he believes enough in both his abilities and in Shai's motives. Sure I can [smile]. It's very dry and a bit too factual for most people's tastes when they think of creative writing. That's mostly because of my background; I write a lot, but it's all techincal writing (i.e. "In this paper, we present a new algorithm for performing X without the complications of Y"). But it's also because I think I had a different audience in mind from most people when I thought of writing a "character profile". The target audience for my piece is not the player, but the designers and writers. That's why the writing style is a bit too functional; I thought that was the best way of describing the character for my target audience. It's also why I wanted to write a backstory; I can write dry factual stuff, but interesting creative writing pieces is something I'm not good at. That's why I'm eagerly waiting the next few rounds where the audience will be different.

The concept I am cooking is that in this kind of profile, instead of simply turning a list into a passage by completing the sentences, the objective should be to create a coherent scene.

The problem with a profile like yours is that when the reader reads it, the reader creates pieces of images that do not correspond to one single scene: it is like post-its scattered all over the place. It is arguably better if you had just kept the formatted list, because now it is hard to seek info because it is all recorded on a tape.

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Entry 10 - Chiba, Ichiwa This entry was a bit too brief to get any feel of exactly what kind of character Ichiwa is like. I also don't know what the seal of Chiba tattoo is for, and there's no mention of how Ichiwa is important to the story of Shai.

Can you describe what you get out of the beginning scene?
I want to know how alien the encoding scheme is. For instance:

On a scale of 1 to 5:
- Based on the scene, do you think that Ichiwa is emotionally weak(1) or strong(5)?
- How much do you believe that the scene gave you enough information to answer question 1?
- How much do you perceive that the scene explained the meaning of the tattoo?

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Martial Arts: A retractable halberd--naginata, and wooden Buddhist beads as short-range projectiles.

What do you think this line suggests about the character?

she would only be the embodiment of Revenge, and name herself Erynis, possibly...