a man walks into a bar after losing all his money on a bad investment. as he is walking in he notices a amazing piano player, but he must have been 12 or 13 inches tall, he figures it is a joke and sits down.

man: bat tender, give me something strong

bar tenter: you dont need that, try this. this is a magic lamp, I will give you one wish

man: ok, I wish for a million bucks
*a million ducks fly past*
can this thing hear right?

bar tender: no kidding, you think I wished for a world class 12 inch pianist that never quits?

at that he took a shot as quick as he could

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Original post by game mercenary at that he took a shot as quick as he could

That sentence ruined it. Jokes are only funny if they end right after the punch line.

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Original post by falkone Quote: Original post by Kazgoroth Quote: Original post by Boris Karloff Is there some relation between 'seizure' and 'fitting' that I don't know of? A seizure is often referred to as 'having a fit'. Damn.. never heard of that. If someone referred to me having a seizure as 'having a fit', I'd punch them in the face.

I agree. Having a fit sounds like you're getting mad over something trivial. It'd be pretty dismissive to say that about a man who's brain is about to murder him.

These are potentially offensive, though in actuality apply to no specific race/ethnicity, and as such I have generalized the joke to apply to no one specific denomination of human race:

What do you call 1 billion <insert race>'s on the earth?
A problem.
What do you call 1 billion <same race as above>'s under the ocean?
A solution.

What do you say when you see 10 <insert race>'s submersed in cement, except for their heads?
"We need some more cement."

[Edited by - nilkn on May 4, 2005 8:00:45 PM]

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Original post by _Acid "What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a cadillac?" ..... "I don't have a cadillac in my garage." (Don't ask me why anybody would come up with that joke...)

When I say that it isnt a joke.

What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?






You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

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Original post by falkone Damn.. never heard of that. If someone referred to me having a seizure as 'having a fit', I'd punch them in the face.

It's actually quite a common (and AFAIK the original) term for it. Maybe 'seizure' is more common in your part of the world, but haven't you ever heard of an 'epileptic fit'? Or do you just think that seizure is a more dignified term for your body going whacko and shaking itself to bits?

---

A mobster decides he wants to win a horse race, and drags three random guys out of a university to make it happen for him. Turns out they're a biologist, engineer, and a mathematician. Each is given an hour to come up with a plan, and the best one will be allowed to live to carry the plan through.

Biologist: I can concoct a mix of steroids, stimulants, and nutrients that will give the horse a 20% metabolic boost for 15 minutes, allowing it to win the race.

Engineer: We replace the horse's muscles with plastic contractile polymer and mount some dilithium crystals in its stomach, allowing it to run at 150km/h until it falls apart, which won't happen until after the race.

Mathematician: Well, now, if we consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion...

Here's one I made up when my CS friends and I were making up stupid CS jokes:
(sorry for my terrible story making uping writing)

One day an array and a linked list were having an argument about who is faster so they decided to race.

They line up and get ready, the array wasn't scared, he knew he was the fastest thing around. The linked list then gets rid of all it's elements except the first. 'Whatever', thought the array, 'I may not be dynamic, but I'm still faster'.

The race started and they both took off as fast as they could. The array straining, going faster than it ever had before, but in the end it just couldn't win!

Know why?

Because the linked list was always just a head.

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Original post by fractoid Quote: Original post by falkone Damn.. never heard of that. If someone referred to me having a seizure as 'having a fit', I'd punch them in the face. It's actually quite a common (and AFAIK the original) term for it. Maybe 'seizure' is more common in your part of the world, but haven't you ever heard of an 'epileptic fit'? Or do you just think that seizure is a more dignified term for your body going whacko and shaking itself to bits?

Atleast around here, the general connotation of a fit is in an emotional context. "having a fit" brings to mind thoughts of little kids whining because they don't get ice cream. I believe the medical denotation comes from a time (early 1900's?) where the cause of seizures was unknown.

What's the difference between a Cadillac and a dead baby? (Part II)

You can't upholster a baby with a Cadillac.

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Original post by Boris Karloff Quote: Original post by Avatar God Quote: Original post by benryves Quote: Original post by skittleo How do you fit an elephant onto a subway....? ... You take the 's' out of sub and the 'f' out of way. I don't get it. [embarrass] Me neither... I've heard jokes like this... but... Thirding that. I thought it'd be a phonetic thing, but it isn't, as far as I can tell. Explain.

Ok...there's no "f" in way

Say that and there's the joke

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Original post by Rixter Here's one I made up when my CS friends and I were making up stupid CS jokes: (sorry for my terrible story making uping writing) One day an array and a linked list were having an argument about who is faster so they decided to race. They line up and get ready, the array wasn't scared, he knew he was the fastest thing around. The linked list then gets rid of all it's elements except the first. 'Whatever', thought the array, 'I may not be dynamic, but I'm still faster'. The race started and they both took off as fast as they could. The array straining, going faster than it ever had before, but in the end it just couldn't win! Know why? Because the linked list was always just a head.

best one yet, IMO.