How did I miss the WenQuanYi ones, looks like I had already checked the Wikipedia page o.O Shame it doesn't have a serif variant, but for sans-serif and mono it works pretty fine, so gonna use these. As for Noto, well, it seems only sans-serif has CJK, so I'm still out of luck with serif.
I noticed that there's Ume P Mincho which is not fixed width (unlike vanilla Ume Mincho), so at least now my serif font is variable width. Latin characters still could look way better though, so suggestions for serif fonts are still welcome.
EDIT: oh, before I forget:
though it's been known to piss off Taiwanese because it uses Mainland Chinese styles for some Chinese characters. (Though there's no winning there, you just have to choose who you want to annoy.)
Blame the Unicode consortium for this one =P (the unification controversy is much deeper than that, all countries ended up complaining about it) Doesn't matter because I want CJK support for Japanese anyway, not for Chinese.
EDIT 2: and this is when I wish I had less fonts installed on this system (I wonder why did I even install the Ænigma fonts when i don't even use them). Turns out I had two pretty good fonts all along: IPAexMincho (serif) and IPAexGothic (sans-serif). Well, I guess the problem is solved now (if somebody wants good fonts that meets these requirements, look at those two).
Thanks!
EDIT 3: ugh, I hate making so many edits. Whatever, it backfired on me: http://i.imgur.com/cLyC2Wr.png
The normal apostrophe seems to be alright, but XaTeX converts it to a different kind of apostrophe, and while present in the font, it seems to have the wrong width (or maybe a width made for CJK?), which results in huge gaps. Any ideas? =/ (using LyX, for what is worth)
Don't pay much attention to "the hedgehog" in my nick, it's just because "Sik" was already taken =/ By the way, Sik is pronounced like seek, not like sick.