I wrote this monologue for my game, please let me know if it is grammatically correct, and if there is any way to make it sound better, thanks:

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Mankind. We are the scourge of nature. From the moment our forefathers discovered fire, to the day our great leaders left us to the flames of perdition, we had always sought to redefine and exempt ourselves from nature's laws. We are like a viral plague, forever staying one step ahead of nature's defenses.

But not this time.

Year 2018, we gazed into the heavens at the fleeing Eden ships, and pondered our survival in the chaos brought forth by their cowardly desertion. While the flames of anarchy heralded the complete collapse of our civilization, it is the invisible plague unleashed by nature herself that completed the purge of mankind.

We fled to South East Asia, away from the deadly plague, only to run into a war for resources. For even in our darkest hours we still chose strife over unity. Our numbers grew thinner and thinner, and when the dark ages set in, the threat of extinction had never been greater.

Thank God for the Combine. From the pits of the dark age came the realization of the need for us to unite, and unite we did, under the banners of red and white. From the ashes of the apocalypse we found the wisdom to join hands in recovery, and from the scars of suffering rose a majestic city by the name Gauntlet.

Perhaps all is not lost. For the first time in four centuries, we dared to hope for a better tomorrow. While the risks still lurk within the shadows of our prejudices, Gauntlet remains our best chance, our best hope in rebuilding the glory of our forefathers.

Humanity will live on.

[Edited by - ruben tan on September 23, 2010 9:52:13 AM]

Best way to make it sound better is to remove it outright; the old writing adage about "show, don't tell" still holds true. I'm reminded of some pretty recent changes I made to a personal RPG project of my own-- I had spent a lot of time on an introductory voice-over before realizing that the end result would be far more powerful if I simply tossed the player in the midst of an invasion and have them witness firsthand what they were up against. It also made for some interesting gameplay opportunities/cool setpieces, too :)

Now, if you're interested in feedback on your actual writing, I'd venture to say it's certainly somewhat better than what I've seen most native speakers produce! The only specific nitpick I can come up with is that some of the cadence seems off-- there's this peculiar lack of flow to some of the sentences I can't quite place my finger on. Other than that, your vocabulary choice is very nice and the premise seems interesting enough. Good luck!

I kind of agree that dumping the PC into the midst of action would be a nice way to start the game. That's why in my current design, the player starts as an unsold slave who's thrown right into the middle of an arena to fight against a death row sentence prisoner. Took a leaf out of Darksun from there, to be honest.

As for the lack of flow, could you kindly point out which parts? I'm not a native speaker (in fact, most of us speak horribly broken language here), so I might not be aware of certain things that while sounding nice to us, sounds completely pretentious to native speakers.

The part that I think needs removing would be the sentence "We are the scourge of nature", I guess.

Here's the edited version:

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Mankind. From the moment our ancestors discovered fire, to the day our great leaders left us to the flames of perdition, we had always sought to redefine and exempt ourselves from nature's laws. Like a viral plague, mankind had always stayed one step ahead of nature's defenses.

But not this time.

In 2018, seven massive Eden ships tore into the heavens. Within them were world leaders, famous intellectuals, presidents of mega-corporations and multi-billionaires. We were left leaderless overnight.

While the flames of anarchy threatened the complete collapse of our civilization, it wass the deadly plague unleashed by nature herself that completed the purge of humanity.

We fled to South East Asia, away from the deadly plague, only to run into a war for resources. For even in our darkest hour we still chose strife over unity. Our numbers grew thinner and thinner, and when the dark ages set in, the threat of extinction had never been greater.

For four hundred years we kept ourselves suppressed under our own bloodlust, until finally from the blindness of the dark age came the ultimate realization: that for humanity to survive, we had to unite. Under the red and white banners of the Combine we joined hands in recovery, and from the scars of suffering rose the last haven of mankind: Gauntlet.

While the risks still lurk within the shadows of our prejudices, Gauntlet remains our best shot in rebuilding the shattered pieces of our civilization. The desire for peace had never been greater, and perhaps the dawn of a new age is about to arrive. Perhaps all is not lost.

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Any betteR?

[Edited by - ruben tan on September 23, 2010 10:19:16 AM]

The revised Introduction is much better then the first. It flows much better as well. And I particularly enjoy the new details you have included to your story. I would like to hear more but not all cause I would like to keep some details hidden until the main game arrives on PC or on store shelves at board game shops around the world. You never know right?

Just do what your doing. Write your story paragraphs and come back a few hours later or a few days after and come back and reread what you have written. This is proof reading your story. If you need help ask your family and friends for advice or suggestions. But really it was a flowing intro. Good Job.

Thanks Ghostknight. I subscribe to the 24-hour rule, where upon finishing any artistic work (web design, story, etc) I leave it untouched for 24 hours, and then revisit it the next day when the euphoria of creation had tapered off to be able to see it with a more critical eye.

Unfortunately though we decided to go along with another version, written by my writer (I'm just the programmer... still learning the ropes of game writing):

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The future once held so much promise. With our inventive minds we went to space, we explored the deep sea, and we conquered nature. Our advances in genetic engineering allowed us to produce more food on smaller spaces in less time than ever before. Medical research effectively eliminated disease - there were cures for almost every known viral or bacterial infection. We had conquered nature: starvation and disease, mankind's oldest and fiercest enemies, were disarmed. Or so we thought.

In 2018, the great Eden ships were launched, and in them, the political and financial elite of our world left this planet. We didn't understand why - until the plague came. A new plague, worse than anything in human history, hit the cities. Europe, America, Asia, Australia... no continent was spared. Before that, we believed to have eliminated disease; now disease eliminated us. But not all hope was lost: South-East Asia was spared from the plague, so we fled there. Only those who were healthy were allowed to join the exodus, but when we reached our destination, we were greeted by war. The natives feared that we would bring the plague, and they feared that we would take their resources. The battles between the locals defending their lands and the refugees desperate to flee the plague were merciless. Many lives were lost and it took us a long time to realize that war would lead only to extinction.

A long time has passed since this darkest age of mankind. But now, now we can have hopes again: humanity is finally united under one banner, the banner of the Combine. War, death, destruction - all these are a thing of the past as we stride towards a new future. There shall be no more conflict, there shall be peace and prosperity under the fair rule of the Combine who rule from the great city of Gauntlet. It took pestilence and war to finally make us understand that only in unity we can be strong, but it was all worth it.

Now, we are united. Now, we are strong. Under the banner of the Combine, the future shall be bright once again.
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Personally:

Quote: Original post by ruben tan
The future once held so much promise. With our inventive minds we went to space, we explored the deep sea, and we conquered nature. Our advances in genetic engineering allowed us to produce more food on smaller spaces in less time than ever before. Medical research effectively eliminated disease - there were cures for almost every known viral or bacterial infection. We had conquered nature: starvation and disease, mankind's oldest and fiercest enemies, were disarmed. Or so we thought.

Sounds crappy, boring and stereotypical. Goes into far too much detail, without actually giving me any information. Sounds like fantasy to be honest, but without cool wizards n stuff.

While on the other-hand this:

Quote: Original post by ruben tan
Mankind. From the moment our ancestors discovered fire, to the day our great leaders left us to the flames of perdition, we had always sought to redefine and exempt ourselves from nature's laws. Like a viral plague, mankind had always stayed one step ahead of nature's defenses.

Doesn't make up any of the BS the first one does, and gives my imagination a lot more room to work. In general I prefer the second one.

It would be nice if you shortened South East Asia to Asia - no need to make things too complicated.

Long ago, the GODs abandoned us. They took towards the heavens upon wings of fire.

Chaos reigned and soon the plague began feeding upon us in thier absence. Most were lost, consumed by the deforming twisting disease. The darkest deadliest age of man began.

But through the wispers of travelers from afar. A faint glimmer of hope emerged. The great exodus to Panasia carried us forth into the great Combine.

Yet through the long arduous trials and tribulations, a common idom emerged. Mankind could be united.

Thus in doing so mankind could reclaim the power the GODs bestowed upon us. Mastery of nature. Freedom from disease...And some say in hushed voices. Mankind could even become GODs ourselves...

...reminds me something :)