Quote: Original post by Silvermyst
Lots of talking and a dozen or so couples therapy sessions later, I still am unsure where my heart is. "It's normal to feel like you fell out of love in marriage." Well, then perhaps marriage isn't the thing for me as I rather enjoy the feeling of being in love.

It's not so much that it's "normal" to feel like you fell out of love in a marriage as it is common, and it's common because couples frequently become overwhelmed by the details of making a living together and lose the flirty, irrational, silly romance that makes being in love so much fun.

The good news is, you can regain that with your wife. The tough question is: do you want to?

Quote: Once I accepted that I had cheated, other sides of myself that I think I always kept locked away also came to the surface. I became more... selfish, I guess, less willing to compromise my needs and wants, since I believed (and still do) that my inability to handle confrontations, even with my own emotions, and always going along with the needs and wants of others ("Sure, I'll go see that movie that I don't really want to see.") was a major cause for the unhappiness in my marriage and in my life in general (and probably also caused me to often be overly confrontational online :)).

It's an interesting thing. In relationships, women seem to want men to completely capitulate and forsake everything they liked before the relationship began - to, in effect, become their accessories. Men generally resent it, and if they don't clearly express that and retain their independent preferences to at least some degree (fully understanding that relationships require compromise), it tends to lead to problems down the line.

Wanting what you want isn't selfish; refusing to ever compromise on what you want is. For the health of your relationship with your wife - again, if you want it - you need to be able to talk about things you want to do and discuss your compromises openly and fairly. I think you might be surprised that she won't be as adamant or insistent as you fear.

Quote: Moved out two months ago as I felt we weren't really going anywhere, but still hang out with wife and have sleepovers a few times a week. I feel a little bit like Jekyll and Hyde now, so I'm still delaying making that final decision about my marriage. I fear that the "in love" feeling is gone forever but I also fear that I will regret leaving her if and when the new me is done evolving. I wish human emotions were more black-and-white.

The "in love" feeling isn't lost forever, but you'll have to work for it. You don't need to be separated to grow, and staying away while you "grow" and then making a decision is exploitative. Decide if you want to save your marriage or not and move on if you don't.

Good luck, buddy.

I sympathize with your situation. I am currently going through a divorce, and its not anything I would wish on anyone. My situation is different and difficult not only because we have a son together but we still love each other but we cannot be together because of reasons beyond our control.

I think you are doing the right thing by going for therapy, and I think in the long run that will help. Do not make rush decisions, just take your time soak everything in, and try to fight to save your marriage. You married this person because you realized they added value to your life.

I am having a hard time understanding this concept of "emotional cheating" (I hail from a different culture) but I can relate to the feeling of violating you moral code. We are human, and sometimes we come short of our ideals. You just have to accept the fact that you faltered, and find a way to move forward. The fact that you are feeling guilty and troubled by your indescreations should be an affirmation that you code is intact, otherwise you wouldn't care.

I hope part of my rambling helped, and I wish you the best.

Quote: Original post by Oluseyi

Quote: Once I accepted that I had cheated, other sides of myself that I think I always kept locked away also came to the surface. I became more... selfish, I guess, less willing to compromise my needs and wants, since I believed (and still do) that my inability to handle confrontations, even with my own emotions, and always going along with the needs and wants of others ("Sure, I'll go see that movie that I don't really want to see.") was a major cause for the unhappiness in my marriage and in my life in general (and probably also caused me to often be overly confrontational online :)).

It's an interesting thing. In relationships, women seem to want men to completely capitulate and forsake everything they liked before the relationship began - to, in effect, become their accessories. Men generally resent it, and if they don't clearly express that and retain their independent preferences to at least some degree (fully understanding that relationships require compromise), it tends to lead to problems down the line.

Wanting what you want isn't selfish; refusing to ever compromise on what you want is. For the health of your relationship with your wife - again, if you want it - you need to be able to talk about things you want to do and discuss your compromises openly and fairly. I think you might be surprised that she won't be as adamant or insistent as you fear.

Very much agreed. In my first serious relationship, there was quite a bit of walking on eggshells, and you get into all sorts of implicit understandings that you come to resent. I would not let that happen again, and it would be for the best of everyone.

The question is: can you reinvent your marriage such that everyone feels happy about it in the long term? And do you want to, of course.

I do not have much sensible to say, so the best of luck i suppose. Still plenty of life ahead of you, and there is hardly a thing time wont solve.

I try to think "What would Emporer Ming do?"

If my answer is the same as Ming's, then I'm probably heading in the wrong direction.

Just remember, never try to compare yourself to Flash Gordon.