Leave it to humans to create a label for something that would not be a big deal if it weren't for the label itself.

If you ended up spending too much time with someone else what's the big deal? Yes, you're taking your spouse for granted but the realization that that's what you've been doing is a big step to the solution which is simple, go spend more time developing your relationship with your spouse. Cheating to me implies a flat out betrayl of trust. Something that can't be undone or even unsaid. If you told someone else secrets that your wife would be mortified to know you shared then, yeah ok, that's trouble along the lines of sleeping with someone else. Put whatever exactly your actions were into proper perspective. I'm not saying ignore it but make sure that the beating that you're giving yourself is appropriate to your alleged sin.

I have done occasional things that don't follow my own belief system. Some I feel were more serious than others. You deal with it like you deal with any mistake you've made. You learn from it (which seems to be the prevailing wisdom around here today).

How do I deal?

I look at what I did, accept that I did it and try to figure out why.

Depending on the outcome of that I might applogise to any parties involved, however that generally depends on a tactical analysis of the situation based on their predicted outcome, fall out effecting myself and how likely it is to become an issue in the near future.

Granted it's now always to cut and dry; I can think of 4 things I've had to applogise for. One of them I retracted shortly after and.. well, lets just say they aren't my favourite person in the world.

One of them is from something I did around 16 years ago, which took me 6 years to applogise for and still hangs around with me, burnt into my memory, and probably will until my dying day as the one thing I'll never forgive myself for.

But, for the most part, I just accept what happend, learn from it and try to ensure that it doesn't happen again, which is really all you can do I think.

As a side note, this thread brought to mind lyrics from a song which I happen to really like and resonates with me;

It's hard to be the better man
when you forget you're trying
It's hard to be the better man
when you're still lying.

- Brand New, Handcuffs

To err is human. If I were in your shoes, I would accept my human nature, forgive myself and others for being human, expect myself to make gross human errors in the future, hope to handle future moral transgressions in the noblest way, but vow and intend to continue pursuing the path towards moral perfectionism.

While we have the capacity to do "bad" things to other people, we also have the capacity to do "good" things too. In my world view, there are neither good or bad people, just good and bad things people have done to each other. Doing either good or bad things doesn't necessarily cause you to be a good or bad person... good or bad actions can be an accidental consequence of our intentions.

Quote: Original post by Silvermyst
So, over the last year or so, I cheated (emotionally, though that doesn't seem to make a difference to some) on my wife of 10 years. I keep thinking about the line in The Talented Mr. Ripley that "nobody thinks they're a bad person". Well, my moral belief system has been shattered by my behavior. I always thought myself to be above immoral acts like that. I'm sure I was wrong, and that I have behaved immoraly in the past, but now I'm having trouble seeing myself as a good guy, which used to be one of the things I could hold onto when I was feeling down. I find myself more foregiving of the flaws in other people, but am still wondering how the heck I deal with my own immorality.

Have you done anything immoral in your past, and if so, how did you deal with that?

Emotional infidelity can be a confusing tangle to unknot, so I'd rather not go into my experiences. A bad person wouldn't concern themselves with the morality of their actions, wouldn't feel any regrets, wouldn't examine their conscience, wouldn't engage in self-reflection, wouldn't seek to learn and improve themselves. Since you're doing those things, your not a bad guy and if you're not a bad guy, then you must be a good guy. [smile]

Quote: Original post by Sirisian
If you have the time create a sheet with pros and cons and make an educated decision.

Just remember not to leave pieces of paper with titles like "To cheat on my wife: pros and cons" lying around your home.

Quote: Original post by trzy

Quote: Original post by LockePick
All that's required is willpower.

True but why bother? People often cheat without falling out of love with their spouse, so to speak. They just occasionally want something different without having to compromise a lasting relationship. What if someone doesn't want to muster the willpower to restrain themselves from having occasional affairs behind their wife's back? In some parts of the world, men take mistresses on the side and although this is traditionally considered to be "immoral", being particularly hurtful to the wives, it is simultaneously something men are boastful of in the company of their professional peers.

True, in a way. But if you want to be in an open relationship, shouldnt you say to your spouse: 'lets have an open relationship'?

Personally, i wouldnt worry too much about where your thoughts go. Everybody has fantasies. The enchantments wears off, and your mind starts to wander. How you act on those thoughts seems like the relevant question to me.

I dont think i could bring myself to cheat on someone, unless breaking up the relationship was scheduled anyway. There is in my opinion not any difference between 'hey its over, bye im going to fuck someone else now', or 'i fucked someone else, it is over'. Thats a technicality.

The deceptive part is where one person constrains his behavior long term, trusting that the other does so as well, and not living up to that trust. If i have long term plans, i do not see how the guilt of cheating weights up to the pleasure. If you can manage to sell that to yourself, you are a bad person, in my book. If thats not your plan, I wouldnt worry too much about it. You are a human being.

Quote: Well, my moral belief system has been shattered by my behavior. I always thought myself to be above immoral acts like that. I'm sure I was wrong, and that I have behaved immorally in the past, but now I'm having trouble seeing myself as a good guy, which used to be one of the things I could hold onto when I was feeling down.

Was your previous moral belief system set up with the expectation that you'd never fail or make a mistake yourself? If so, then that moral belief system was very ambitious highly unlikely. We're all human and will make mistakes, even against things that we've previously sworn to never do.

Your moral belief system isn't (and shouldn't be) shattered. It's still there. That's why you feel so guilty about what you've done. That's why you recognize your error and (presumably) want to make it right. If your moral belief system was truly shattered, you'd see no wrong with what you've done, feel no guilt about it and do it again.

My advice, much like others on this thread, allow yourself to be human, learn from your mistakes and make things right (as best as you can).

I hope that helps,

Nate

Thanks for the input, all.

It was indeed an emotional affair (mostly e-mail) with a (married) co-worker, as Oluseyi guessed. We had worked together for 10 years, and for some reason found ourselves talking about our personal lives last year. It didn't feel like cheating in the beginning, and by the time I realized what I was doing, it felt like it was too late to turn back. I finally ended up telling my wife, and she revealed that she, too, had started an emotional affair (e-mail, phone) around the same time that I did. Almost quit my job, but ended up just taking six weeks off. Co-worker did quit, but not because of me. Lots of talking and a dozen or so couples therapy sessions later, I still am unsure where my heart is. "It's normal to feel like you fell out of love in marriage." Well, then perhaps marriage isn't the thing for me as I rather enjoy the feeling of being in love.

Once I accepted that I had cheated, other sides of myself that I think I always kept locked away also came to the surface. I became more... selfish, I guess, less willing to compromise my needs and wants, since I believed (and still do) that my inability to handle confrontations, even with my own emotions, and always going along with the needs and wants of others ("Sure, I’ll go see that movie that I don’t really want to see.") was a major cause for the unhappiness in my marriage and in my life in general (and probably also caused me to often be overly confrontational online :)).

Moved out two months ago as I felt we weren't really going anywhere, but still hang out with wife and have sleepovers a few times a week. I feel a little bit like Jekyll and Hyde now, so I'm still delaying making that final decision about my marriage. I fear that the "in love" feeling is gone forever but I also fear that I will regret leaving her if and when the new me is done evolving. I wish human emotions were more black-and-white.

If you're trying to figure out whether you can get that "in love" feeling back with your wife, moving out and only seeing her a few times a week isn't going to do it. You should plan some fun things to do together. Go to the park and play volleyball with some friends, go to the theater together, go camping, play Othello, whatever floats your boat.

How long have you been married, out of curiosity?

Quote: Original post by BeanDog
If you're trying to figure out whether you can get that "in love" feeling back with your wife, moving out and only seeing her a few times a week isn't going to do it. You should plan some fun things to do together. Go to the park and play volleyball with some friends, go to the theater together, go camping, play Othello, whatever floats your boat.

We're going to concerts, movies, and restaurants, hang out with friends, and go to Tae Kwon Do two times a week. We have tons of fun as long as there are other people around. When it's just the two of us... I start to get itchy to go to my place and she feels like I bring her down. We have our first therapy session in months coming up this Saturday. Should be interesting. (I don't think the therapist input is all that valuable. It's more about just being in a place where you both just let it all hang out.)

Quote: How long have you been married, out of curiosity?

11 years in September.