So, over the last year or so, I cheated (emotionally, though that doesn't seem to make a difference to some) on my wife of 10 years. I keep thinking about the line in The Talented Mr. Ripley that "nobody thinks they're a bad person". Well, my moral belief system has been shattered by my behavior. I always thought myself to be above immoral acts like that. I'm sure I was wrong, and that I have behaved immoraly in the past, but now I'm having trouble seeing myself as a good guy, which used to be one of the things I could hold onto when I was feeling down. I find myself more foregiving of the flaws in other people, but am still wondering how the heck I deal with my own immorality. Have you done anything immoral in your past, and if so, how did you deal with that?

I'm a little confused as to what cheating "emotionally" is.
[EDIT] Having looked it up, I'm now just plain confused.

Regardless of what you do from here on out, you must be at peace with yourself. Either accept your immorality as just another part of your life experience or perform meaningful acts of contrition and work hard to become the person you want to be.

You can always make yourself a better person, whether physically or mentally. The question is: do you want to?

I don't see how you can go so far as to cheat and still be moral. I mean cheating on your wife would have to take time and some thought. I can't really fathom it since I've been taught to think before I make even the smallest decision. You would have had to mentally decided that cheating was the most logical decision at that point and completely ignored all possible consequences. Unless you thought you could live with your wife and didn't see the downside at all.

What I don't get is if you didn't want to be with your wife why didn't you just get a divorce like normal people? Then you can go meet other people completely free of being immoral.

You have choices to make though. Just don't ever do it again. Learn from your mistake.

I recommend for every decision you make extrapolate all the possible outcomes you can think of. If you have the time create a sheet with pros and cons and make an educated decision. Also it doesn't hurt to ask other people's opinion. Imagine making a decision and calling your mom up and telling her what you decided. If you can't do that something might be wrong with how you problem solve.

Quote: Original post by Sirisian
What I don't get is if you didn't want to be with your wife why didn't you just get a divorce like normal people? Then you can go meet other people completely free of being immoral.

Unless, of course, you consider divorcing your wife immoral. Especially in a family with children, that's definitely on my bad list.

OP: Bad habits are best broken, and good habits best made, by being open about them. If you're trying to lose weight, put a daily line graph of your weight in your living room where visitors can see it. If you want to learn to play the piano, start a blog about it and tell everyone you know about it.

If you're halfway to really cheating on your wife, talk to her about it (when she's in a good mood) and decide you'll have a conversation about what's going on in your life and relationships every week.

Quote: "nobody thinks they're a bad person"

Completely false! I, for one, am a deeply flawed asshole who is horrible in pretty much every way. In fact, admitting that to myself made my life so much easier! It's easy to keep yourself in check when you are always watching. When you screw up, you've already accepted it. When you do something nice, you are pleasantly surprised.

What's extra crazy about this line of thinking is that it's basically the same as what the most major religions (pretend to) teach... and without all the organized religion bullshit. God is not required to accept your sins and try to be a better person. All that's required is willpower.

Quote: Original post by Sirisian
I don't see how you can go so far as to cheat and still be moral. I mean cheating on your wife would have to take time and some thought.

He claims to have cheated emotionally, which isn't the same thing. It's engaging in emotionally intimate conversations and trust with someone else, not renting a motel room for an hour on alternate Thursdays for illicit sex. If the person is someone you run into all the time, like a co-worker, it takes absolutely no time and thought.

Quote: I can't really fathom it since I've been taught to think before I make even the smallest decision.

You speak with the moralizing smugness of someone who hasn't made a major mistake yet. Don't worry, you'll catch up.

Quote: Original post by Silvermyst
Have you done anything immoral in your past, and if so, how did you deal with that?

I suppose I was emotionally cheating, too. I faced up to it, apologized for it, and created space between myself and the other(s) - and am vigilant to make sure it doesn't happen again, though there's always temptation.

Ultimately, though, protracted regret doesn't help. At some point you have to forgive yourself and move on. Be strong.

Quote: Original post by Oluseyi

Quote: Original post by Sirisian
I don't see how you can go so far as to cheat and still be moral. I mean cheating on your wife would have to take time and some thought.

He claims to have cheated emotionally, which isn't the same thing. It's engaging in emotionally intimate conversations and trust with someone else, not renting a motel room for an hour on alternate Thursdays for illicit sex. If the person is someone you run into all the time, like a co-worker, it takes absolutely no time and thought.

Ah I read the emotionally part wrong. I kind of ignored the part in parenthesis when I read it I guess.

Okay I don't get why confiding in other people other than your wife is immoral. I guess I'd have to go find a girlfriend or something to understand what your talking about.

Quote: Original post by Oluseyi

Quote: Original post by SirisianI can't really fathom it since I've been taught to think before I make even the smallest decision.

You speak with the moralizing smugness of someone who hasn't made a major mistake yet. Don't worry, you'll catch up.

Probably. I've been told I don't take any risks in life. That's probably going to bite me one of these times. :P

I'm with Promit now. I'm just confused by this thread and the lack of information or context. I don't get it.

Quote: Original post by LockePick
All that's required is willpower.

True but why bother? People often cheat without falling out of love with their spouse, so to speak. They just occasionally want something different without having to compromise a lasting relationship. What if someone doesn't want to muster the willpower to restrain themselves from having occasional affairs behind their wife's back? In some parts of the world, men take mistresses on the side and although this is traditionally considered to be "immoral", being particularly hurtful to the wives, it is simultaneously something men are boastful of in the company of their professional peers.