The Great Darkness and the Hero Tarnin In the land of Cronus, after the battle with the Black Night Clan in the north and the Orckus in the south, Cronus was a peaceful world for many years afterwards. But on a very bright and sunny day, dark clouds were covering the skies. The darkness covered the lands for days. The great wizards of all the land were baffled at what they saw. Nobody had any idea of how this darkness came about. Storms began to form across the lands. People became frightened, and never went outside. Then one day, a great army of flying beasts came from the east. Nobody knew who they were, or where exactly they came from, but they struck fear into the hearts of all men whom they saw. They called themselves dragons, but not just any dragons. These were Leviathan Dragons and they were fierce, cruel, and unmerciful. They wreaked chaos in the kingdoms of Cronus. Fear was everywhere. Nobody knew how to stop them. The mages tried everything they had but nothing would work upon the strong armor of the dragons. They ate many, and destroyed much of the kingdoms. The council then asked an exile of great power, who goes by the name of Tarnin, and his group of outcasts to help them with their plight. Tarnin discussed this among his comrades and decided he will help them. He dealt with these dragons before and knew exactly, where to hit them, for under their great belly covered in scales that was as hard as 10 layers of gold was a small place uncovered and that was their weak spot. Tarnin told the soldiers of the kingdom to aim for the side of the belly. The dragons blew fire all over the soldiers. Many were on fire and jumped off the walls. But Tarnin shot a direct hit and killed a dragon. Now the king of the dragons, Grondor, was furious what he just saw. So he then challenged Tarnin to a fight and he started flying overhim to kncok him from the gusts from his wings. But he kept standing. Grondor then went onto the ground and blew fire at the great warrior. Tarnin grabed a shield and tried his best to block the fire, but the shield broke and his hand was burned off. The people were horrified and did not know what to do. Tarnin was crying in pain.Grondor then grabbed Tarnin and flew up into the sky. He was about to drop him when Tarnin took a dagger from his belt and stabbed him right in his weak spot three times. Grondor cried in pain at what had happened. He dropped Tarnin and he went plummeting down and hit the ground and died. Tarnin was falling, but the mages used their magic to bring him down safely. They right away tried to save him from dieing, but it was too late. Tarnin the Dragon Slayer had died in his bed. The kings and council held a great funeral for him, and the people mourned for the death of a great man. The dragons, however, departed and went back to where they came from, and the dark clouds were gone. Reconstruction of the kingdoms began, and all once again was back to the way it was. Well how is it? I would like some feedback from everyone so i can know if it needs some changing, or not. This is a continuation of the other two stories i created so far. This is gonna be a one of the stories used in the game my team is creating called Kingdom In Exiles: Resurrection

There's this lovely invention called the paragraph break, you should try one some time. [wink]

lol im sorry, I just copied and pasted from a file forgot about that. Is this good enough?

EDIT: Also how many stories can we give for writing competition?

Would you explain more on what role this story play in the game?

It is a fine thematically driven side-story as far as I concern. But how is the PC involved in the story?

For the story:

It is a story of a sacrifice of a hero to save a kingdom that had abandoned him. Your focus is misaligned. The heart of such story should be about the cause of the exile and the reason for the hero's return. There is more anticipated drama in that area than the fight against the dragon. The character and emotional conflict around the exile dwarfs the conflict with the dragon. You presented the hero like a mercenary, not an exile that had return dispite preceeding conflicts. This is the main topic you should focus to re-work the story. The descriptions of the events you gave are meaningless compared to the exile.

* Gold is known for being soft and malleable. 'As hard as ten layers of gold' was an ill-comparison.

well this is going to be part of a storyline for the game. Its gonna be like one story after another, so the game keeps developing. Im sory if i sound vague for i don;t know all the details exactly yet.

And also the character in the story returns for he is asked to help fight the dragons for he hates them and has fought them before. And by returning, he becomes the hero for slaying the king of the dragons and driving them away

EDIT: umm...just reading your post again, when was gold soft and malleable.......? Im not sure wher you learned science, but I learned that gold is very strong

[Edited by - EvilMinion85 on September 13, 2005 7:27:50 PM]

Quote:

Original post by EvilMinion85 EDIT: umm...just reading your post again, when was gold soft and malleable.......? Im not sure wher you learned science, but I learned that gold is very strong

This will work:

Quote:

Gold: A heavy, soft, ductile, malleable element. Most of this metal is kept in reserves but some is used in jewelery. Gold is commonly alloyed with Cu and Ag. Used in plating, dishes, and electronic parts. Gold is a precious metal, since gold has been prized for as an ornament, as a concentrated form of wealth, and for monetary use. The foremost use of gold is for monetary purposes, most of it being kept as bullion in reserve for notes issued. The next most important use is for Jewelery using either white, yellow, or green gold. Because of its softness the gold has to be mixed with copper, silver, nickel, or palladium. Its purity or fineness is designed in carats. 1 Carat means 1 part gold in 24. Gold is also used in dentistry, glass making and in the chemical industry.

About the story...

This writing bores me.
- Humans beat Orcs (again)
- Humans rule, and maintain tyrannical reign over other races, creating years of peace (for them)
- Bigger guys come and start eating humans (...)
- Bigger guys are totally wailing on humans for a long time (totally.)
- Humans run home crying to get their bigger guy (Tarnin)
- Human bigger guy comes back and totally starts wailing on other guys
- Other guys' biggest guy gets all tough and wants to 1v1 Human bigger guy at Halo
- Human bigger guy gets totally wailed on
- Human bigger guy pulls up from weakest moment in his entire life and KOs other bigger guy
- Human guy dies, everybody is sad, but then they realize that he was exiled anyway and nobody really liked him (oh well.)

Sorry, just not interesting to me. For this to be a game I'd genuinely have fun playing, I'd need:
A.) Character development.
Focus on Tarnin's inner struggle with helping the people who had made him an outcast. Maybe it was all a scam...maybe Tarnin's become friends with the Dragons during his exile, and has agreed to provide the leader's people with food in exchange for his own monetary gain?

Maybe the outcasts who follow Tarnin have secretly betrayed him, they all being criminals of a sort, for a profit, or leadership of the "pack".

It doesn't really matter, honestly, because there are no original concepts anymore. But there are some lesser-used ways to present combinations of these concepts.

B.) Immersion/Insight.
What I mean by this is that I'd like to know just what the state of the world is for the moment. Cronus is supposedly a peaceful world, but, if the Orckus still exist, they are most definitely not comfortable being oppressed; if they are extinct, how might Miss Mary Jane, Widow, feel, her Orck[an?] husband murdered in cold-blood for being cursed to be inhuman? What are the thoughts (and schedule?) of a typical family, living in fear every moment of their lives? How do these thoughts affect those of the policymakers (aka The Monarchy, I guess)? Why do I, assuming the player is a great fighting outcast with no connection to a land with no love for him, even care at all? Make me care, and you've got me hooked.

C.) Realism.
...Come on. It's a *dragon*. Not just any dragon, either. A BIG dragon. The biggest. I don't believe for a second that a human (sans his strong hand) will calmly be able to thrust a small dagger into the singular weak spot of a gigantic foe when said human is more-than-likely visiting into shock at the moment, and, if not, in *extreme* agony. If my character is going to have that kind of resolve, the final battle with said dragon (before this is all concluded in a *stunning*, high-budget CG) had better last for 10-20 minutes of actual playtime (not hiding in the corner to recuperate the one spell that damages the dragon), and I had better be out of breath and on the floor when you show it to me.

D.) Graphics, Gameplay, and other Game Stuff.
I want this game to play better than God of War, look better than F.E.A.R, and, above all else, be extremely *fun*. This story works as a decent basis for a game, but the presentation needs to be simply amazing to get me interested.

(sorry I didn't reply the first time, I wanted a long response and to get the gold thing out of the way ASAP).

[Edited by - Boku San on September 13, 2005 8:09:47 PM]

well looks like i've been proved wrong again. But could we at least read my story, and stop just looking at replies for it....if nobody is gonna read it, then i might as well tell moderator to close this....

"And also the character in the story returns for he is asked to help fight the dragons for he hates them and has fought them before. And by returning, he becomes the hero for slaying the king of the dragons and driving them away"

This doesn't explain anything in terms of the meaning of the exile, and any emotional conflict behind the reconciliation. It has potential to show a lot about the politics, values, and underlying mysteries of the kingdom. You are not taking advantage of the situation.


Edit: Edited out the property of gold since it was answered. Now you know why people used to bite gold to test whether it is real.


The fact is that your story is very underdeveloped. Most people would not know what to reply even if they read it. A story is not a series of events. There is an underlying value that a reader look for in a story, and your story is not yet providing any. It is an important aspect even for a side story, and it is not about details. If someone tells you that your story is intriguing, they are treating you like a kid.

There is a message behind your story, you need to identify it and manifest it.


[Edited by - Estok on September 13, 2005 8:16:32 PM]

yes now i know. Well now i know what your saying. Explain how he became an exile. Unless im completely wrong again...?

And also i have other stories that tell about the kingdoms. I'll post them a little later or tom.

Edited my first response. Sorry for seeming like a jerk (I did read the post first).

OT: Read the Silmarillion. Not for ideas, just do -- if you read it, that'll make you 1/~9 people I've met who have not finished it.