A blond, a brunette, and a redhed have just robbed a bank. They're driving away in their getaway car when they hear sirens.

"Oh no!" says the brunette, the leader. "The cops are on our tail, we have to ditch the car and hide!" The redhead (the driver) aims the car towards a cliff and they all jump out at the same time. The only things they could find to hide in are their sacks of money, so each climbs in their own.

Finally, the policeman catches up, and sees nothing but three sacks and a broken guard rail. He decides to investigate. He walks up to the sack which hides the brunette and kicks it.

"MEOW MEOW!" Thinking that there's only a cat in there, he kicks the redhead's bag
"WOOF WOOF!" Thinking that there's only a dog in there, he kicks the blond's bag

"POTATOES POTATOES!!"

Quote:

Original post by heavy_bolter A constant and an e^x were walking down the street when they see a derivative coming down the street. The constant starts freakin' out, they jump into an alley and he begins to scream, "Man! I'm not gonna make it, he's gonna wipe me off the face of the earth!". e^x tells him "Don't you worry, he can't do anything to me, I'll ambush him and then you'll be fine" So e^x waits in the alley and jumps out at the derivative, and says "Hi, I'm e^x." The derivative smiles and says "Hi, I'm d/dy"

can someone plz explain that one? my maths is a bit rusty :P

Quote:

Original post by dAmAtA_cHiP Quote: Original post by heavy_bolter A constant and an e^x were walking down the street when they see a derivative coming down the street. The constant starts freakin' out, they jump into an alley and he begins to scream, "Man! I'm not gonna make it, he's gonna wipe me off the face of the earth!". e^x tells him "Don't you worry, he can't do anything to me, I'll ambush him and then you'll be fine" So e^x waits in the alley and jumps out at the derivative, and says "Hi, I'm e^x." The derivative smiles and says "Hi, I'm d/dy" can someone plz explain that one? my maths is a bit rusty :P

Pretty Little Polynomial and Curly Pi
Once upon a time (1/t) pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent, and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never, ever enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the basis that it was insufficient, and made her way in amongst the complex elements.

Rows and columns closed in on her from all sides. Tangents approached her surface, and she became tenser and tenser. Quite suddenly, two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, became unstable, lost all sense of directrix, tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf, and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. She was completely divergent by the time she reached the turning point. When she rounded off once more, she found herself inverted, apparently alone in a non-euclidean space.

She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. He wondered, was she convergent? He decided to integrate improperly at once.

Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly Pi approaching with his lower series extended. She could see at once his degenerate conic and his dissipative terms, and knew he was irrational. "Arcsinh!" she gasped.

"Hey, what's your sine?" he asked. "What a symmetric set of asymptotes you have!"

"Stay away from me!" she protested. "I haven't got any brackets on!"

"Calm yourself, my dear!" said the smooth operator.. "Your fears are purely imaginary."

"i, i, ..." she thought, "Perhaps he's not normal, but homologous."

"What order are you?" the brute suddenly demanded.

"Seventeen," replied Polly.

Curly leered, "I suppose you've never been operated upon?"

"Of course not. I'm absolutely convergent!" Polly replied quite properly.

"Come on," said Curly: "Let's go to decimal place I know of, and I'll take you to the limit."

"Never!" gasped Polly..

"Abscissa!" he swore a violent oath. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places, and began smoothing her points of inflection. Poor Polly Nomial! The algorithm method was now her only hope. She felt him approaching her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever. There was no mercy; Curly was a heavy side operator. His radius squared itself and Polly's loci quivered. He integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. After he cofactored, he performed Runge-Kutta on her. He even went all the way around and did a contour integration. Curly went on operating until he satisfied her hypotheses, then he exponentiated and became completely orthogonal.

When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally, they took her to L'Hopital and generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to deviation.

The moral of this tale is: "If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom."

Now that's what I call getting your Mathematical Pundamentals right.

wow...just...wow [lol]

Quote:

Original post by benryves Quote: Original post by skittleo How do you fit an elephant onto a subway....? ... You take the 's' out of sub and the 'f' out of way. I don't get it. [embarrass]

No no, it only works when you say it for one. It's "How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag? You take the S out of Safe and the F out of way." Just about everyone who hears that replies with the punchline.

Saying "subway" is just stupid, an elephant can fit in a subway just fine.

(Safeway is a grocery store)

[Edited by - T1Oracle on January 16, 2006 10:56:42 PM]

Two penguins are taking a bath.
One says to the other, "Could you pass the soap?"
The other says, "What do you think I am, a flashlight?"

A dog walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, "could I have a rocks of scotch, please?"

The bartender replies, "Well, we don't serve animals here, fella. Sorry, but you have to leave."

The dog replied, "Okay, then, just a beer would be fine."

The bartender raises his voice a bit, "Sir, I just said, we don't serve animals here."

The dog says, "Well, fine then. Just give me a coke please."

The bartender yelled, "For the last time, we don't serve animals!" And he picked up a gun from behind the bar and shot the dog in the foot.

And the dog got up and hobbled out of the bar.

Six months later, the same dog walks back into the bar, grabs the bartender by the collar and says, "I'm lookin for the guy that shot my paw."

------------------------------

Father O'Malley was sitting on the steps out in the front of the cathedral having a smoke, and the Rabbi from the temple across the street walks up to him.

The Rabbi said, "My friend and neigbor for 30 years, and not once have I seen the Catholic Church."

Father says, "Well, shame on me. My friend and neighbor for 30 years and I've never showed ya the church. Well, com right in, and I'll show ya around."

Father took the Rabbi to the confessional, and told him, "Now this is where we straighten things out here."

A woman came in and said, "Forgive me father, but I've committed adultery three times."

The Father told her, "Oh, put 5 dollars in the poorbox and your sins will be forgiven."

Another woman came in with the same thing, "Adultery three times."

The father, again said, "Oh, 5 dollars in the poorbox."

Then, a little boy came in and said, "Father, you have a long distance call in the rectory."

Father looked at his watch and said, "Oh, Lord. I'll be late for the BINGO game. Well, you seen how we do things here, Rabbi. Could ya take over for me until I get back?"

So the Father went off, five minutes later, a woman came in and said, "I committed adultery twice."

The Rabbi Said, "Well ya gotta go do it again, they're 3 for 5 this week."

There was this old Italian woman who went to the Cathedral every day, not for mass, but just for her little visit with the Lord.

And she walked up to the altar with her rosary beads, and kneeled down and started praying.

Now there were two guys up on scaffolding, waaaay up high, making repairs to the walls. The one guy wiped his brow, and noticed the little old lady kneeling at the alter. He elbowed his buddy and said, "Look at that little old lady. Lets have some fun with her."

So he called down, "THIS IS THE LORD."

The other guy said, "well, maybe she didn't hear you."

So he called down again, louder, "THIS IS THE LORD!"

The other guy said, "I'll shake her up,"

"THIS IS THE ..."

She shouted, "YOU SHUTTA YOU FACE! IMA TALKA WITCHU MAMMA!"

What does the dyslektic agnostic insomniac do?








...sit up all night wondering if there is a dog...

What's the best part of pudding?



Pudding it in your mouth!!!