After I made my post last Monday, I did some soul searching to figure out where I was going wrong. My conclusion was I made a mistake in jumping straight into working on game projects the instant my thesis was complete. Heck, I started work as soon as it was at the printers. However, with my write-up dragging on and on and me being at least four months behind on my pencilled in schedule for 2009 I felt I had to make up for lost time.
My biggest concern is that I seem to be entirely motivated by guilt. I feel guilty I'm this far behind, that I'm not up to speed, and that I'm not putting in enough effort. Guilt can be a powerful motivator, but it's entirely negative and really not the best motivator for anything creative. So I decided to try a motivational experiment, and told myself I didn't need to feel guilty last week. Work on what I feel like, if I feel up to it, but if I want to dabble with other things, feel free.
The results were.. somewhat expected. I ended up doing very little on Project Protos. I did however feel a lot more relaxed. I caught up on a bunch of chores I'd been putting off for ages. I spent some time pondering the whole whys and wherefores of me going into games. I also drank a lot of tea and spent too much time surfing the internet, which is a real problem. I think I needed a break, but I can't even relax properly.
I'm not sure if this impromptu break was wisdom or just weakness. I'm not that happy I wasn't able to keep up with the game-a-week progress that everyone else is doing. I'm also unhappy that it's near the end of Q1 2009 and I'm not even out of the gate yet. But I also don't want to burn myself up in a few months due to a misplaced priority of quantity over pace, which I feel is a real danger. It's a quandary. I feel like in the last couple of years I've pieced together a winning plan for this, but instead of a beautifully arranged dot-point list it's taken the form of a 10,000 piece jigsaw puzzle designed by Escher. I've got all the pieces but it's a challenge to even start putting them together. And I don't know if my plans all hinge on me being a superman who can work productively for sixteen hours a day, seven days a week. There's too many unknowns.
My gut feeling, which I've come to rely on, is that the Flash game that is Project Protos is a wonderful start point, but I should continue to work on it at a relaxed pace. I was going to say I'd aim to have it finished by the end of the month rather than in a weeks time, but I notice that for today that doesn't make much difference! My real goal is to switch into a sustainable, professional, productive mindset. I'm giving myself a week to settle down, clear out the mental cobwebs and find my focus. When April comes round, I'll be ready, and in a much better position mentally to work on experimental microgame projects.
My first big change is to curb my internet procrastination habit, which may be difficult. I've got a nasty habit of just heading to a random site whenever I get stuck on anything, which is an easy way to waste a day's work. I'll try tweaking my mindset each day until I find something that works.
