Here is the Introduction to my Story/Game. It was a warm summer day, the day his adventure began. Never, did he dream that something so big, so adventurous could happen to him. May was an orphan, he never knew his father or mother. He was unsure of his country, or if he did or did not have brothers or sisters. May had never known conflict or issues relating to the vast world around him. He never fought a dragon, or climbed the mountains in search for cliff fairies. The only friend May really had, and the only one he had known, was Rowald, a say somewhat dull young boy. It wasn''t until the day an ogre attacked his orhanage in hopes for food and supply that May''s adventure began. Here is the story of a boy living an adventure in hopes of finding a relative or where he belongs. KUTHOS : SEARCHING

it doesnt hook you enough. and a name like Rowald isnt exactly something i wanna identify with. I hope your native language isnt english because you need a little practice with conveying a thought. Don''t be afraid to write your game idea 10 times over before it sounds right.

Why does it matter that the day was warm or in summer?

You are doing a lot of telling and not much showing.

"May lay in the meager shade of a poplar tree while he watched the orphanage''s sheep. The ''ogre'' days of summer had arrived. The days when sometimes ogres would come down from the hills, driven mad from the heat. May had never seen an ogre, but thought that the heat itself beat down on your head like a club. May liked the heat. It didn''t matter that he had no father or mother, that he didn''t know whether he had sisters or brothers or anything anything about his past; he could just lie there burning in the sun. In the heat, he could forget about the orphanage, the mealtime gruel, the beatings, the rats, the bigger kids who made him do their chores. In the heat, he could imagine that he was a warrior king fighting dragons, an explorer searching for the land of the cliff fairies..."

Not great writing, but it illustrates my point that you want to show us May, not tell us about him. Let us find out about him around the events that lead into the game itself. You need to personalize the story, make us care about May, make us wonder about his parents, the possibility of his siblings, his unknown country. You need to set up the quest and make us care that he finds the answer.

Joe Ward

quote: Original post by Anonymous Poster
Why does it matter that the day was warm or in summer?

You are doing a lot of telling and not much showing.

"May lay in the meager shade of a poplar tree while he watched the orphanage''s sheep. The ''ogre'' days of summer had arrived. The days when sometimes ogres would come down from the hills, driven mad from the heat. May had never seen an ogre, but thought that the heat itself beat down on your head like a club. May liked the heat. It didn''t matter that he had no father or mother, that he didn''t know whether he had sisters or brothers or anything anything about his past; he could just lie there burning in the sun. In the heat, he could forget about the orphanage, the mealtime gruel, the beatings, the rats, the bigger kids who made him do their chores. In the heat, he could imagine that he was a warrior king fighting dragons, an explorer searching for the land of the cliff fairies..."

Joe Ward

Damn, back to the drawing board for me....

I would suggest telling more about the action. What happened when the Ogre attacked? Did May just run and abandon his family, and now, because of the guilt, he has sworn to protect villages around the globe from the Fantasy Forces of Darkness? You know, something like that. Make it sound dramatic. Toy with the story until it has meaning, depth, and is an actual story. Make sure it at least somewhat describes the plot of the story. A backstory is important, especially if you''re making an RPG... and this game sounds like an RPG. Is it an RPG?

Eternity is relentless

Perhaps also show us a little of his dreams.

"May had never known conflict or issues relating to the vast world around him. He never fought a dragon, or climbed the mountains in search for cliff fairies."

Well, who has? But a boy can dream. What does he want to do in life?

Forget a text intro.

A black screen. You hear (or read text): "May, wake up! Wake up!" You stumble out of bed as this same person (perhaps Rowald?" , who is next to the bed, says, "Come on, quickly! There''s an ogre!" You follow this NPC to a safer place. As you do, context clues tell the player that he is at an orphanage - either in the environment or in conversation with the NPC. You escape to a safer place.

All of this may either be scripted, or player-controlled (but the player really doesn''t have any options as to what he can do or where he can go).

Now that the character has escaped, you as the game designer have two options. You may either continue the story from here, or fade to black, and then fade in to some other story beginning you had planned ("Many years later...").

This technique gives the player backstory without a text intro. Many players skip cinematics; I doubt they would have the patience for reading. If I played your game, I would read the intro. But I''m afraid most players won''t.

These are my two cents. Do with them what you want.

Damn, that must be some powerful heat if it makes him care nothing for not having a mother or father.

And May sounds like a girl''s name, at least in my mind...

Testing

quote: Original post by Tacit
And May sounds like a girl''s name, at least in my mind...

i was thinking the exact same thing.

-eldee
;another space monkey;
[ Forced Evolution Studios ]