NOTE: I edited the 3rd, 4th, and 6th paragraphs. This took place on 1/31/02. The paragraphs in question are marked with { and }. I started a story a little while back and decided to bring this before you all for a few comments. I'm looking to see if this perks your interest in the rest of the story, after all if you can catch the readers attention in the first few pages you'll have a harder time winning them over. This is about a page worth of writing in word so I'm interested in your reaction to it so far. Just a little background info on the setting, I'm going for a cyberpunk feeling. I'm a big fan of the Total Recall TV series and so I'm shooting for that kind of a world. Here goes: The air smelled bad to Trent. It was the smell of musty old carpet and damp, slowly rotting wood walls and floor. It was a smell only found in those old prewar motels and apartment complexes that seemed to refuse to collapse no matter how old they were. A smell that could mask the heavy smoke from dozens of drug addicts, or the alcohol that filled every nook and cranny in the building, or the body odors of the less sanitary minded residence that in this case lived in abundance in the building. The smell masked even the scent of death but only barely. The air smelled really bad to Trent. Trent walked down the burgundy-carpeted hallway not bothering, not needing to check the apartment numbers he passed. His destination was clearly marked by a reporter, two officers trying to keep the reporter in the hallway and yellow and red tape strung across the open doorway. Various residents stood out in hall talking about the apartment room that was the focus of Trent’s attention, others watched what they could through doors opened only as far as the chain would allow. Trent pushed his hands deeper into the pockets of his black overcoat. { The particular apartment that was the focus of his attention was in one of the rear corners of the building, which took him several minutes to walk to. As he approached the apartment, he nodded and showed his badge to one of the officers standing out in the hall who motioned with his head to go ahead in. Trent made as wide a circle as he could around the reporter who was to go inside himself and take a few pictures for a news article. The apartment was small, but it was the average size for any apartment that could be found in one of these older buildings. The walls were white; at least they used to be. The wallpaper had weathered and been stained countless times, leaving the walls a mottled dirty-white and yellow color. The floors were hardwood aged and worn with passing of time and residents. As Trent passed the hall to the right he saw doors opened revealing a bathroom and a small bedroom. Several enforcement officers were combing through those rooms. Trent walked straight ahead into the living room. } The center of attention here was a cubicle set up in the far corner of the living room. Several officers, all wearing gloves stood around the cubicle, two took pictures while another assisted a New Haven Enforcement investigator examine the area. There was a swivel chair in front of the cubicle facing the desk. Sitting in the seat was a man’s body with the head slumped forward. Directly behind the man’s left ear was a hole, a gunshot wound. The wound looked about an inch and a half in diameter, and seemed to be cauterized, half an inch around that the hair and scalp was blackened. { The cubicle was a mess. The desk was cluttered so badly that Trent couldn’t see the wooden desktop itself because of the books, scrapes of paper and computer equipment that covered the entire surface. Set in the middle of it all was a computer terminal, the monitor turned on and presently running a screen saver. The keyboard and mouse were set on top of the mess of papers near the front edge of the desk. All this, along with the few roaches feasting on leftover food lying mixed in with everything else, completed the present scene before Trent. } Trent took a moment to look over the scene in front of him. There was no order to it that he could determine; it was one of those things where only the person who made the ‘mess’ could possibly know where anything and everything was. Standing to the left of the sitting corpse, Trent saw a gray cable running from the back of the computer along the right wall the cubicle and dropping out of sight on the side of the corpse opposite Trent. Stepping around the back of the dead tenant Trent pulled on a pair of gloves to examine the area more closely. The cable coming from the computer drooped down and swung back up to plug into a neural interface implanted on the right side of the dead man’s head at the base of the skull just below and behind the ear. The implant was an inch and a half in diameter with the cable plugging in, in the center. Around the uplink port of the implant there was a semi-circle of status lights in several colors. Normally at least a few of the status lights would have been lit indicating, if nothing else, that some sort of external hardware was plugged into the implant. Now, however the implant showed no activity at all. Neural implants like this one would have had an auxiliary power source charged with bioelectric energy produced by the body to keep the implant active for a limited period of time after all brain functions cease. About the time he finished this assessment an enforcement officer approached the cubicle bringing with him a holo-recorder. Trent stepped back from the body upon seeing the officer approaching, careful not to move or disturb anything until after the imaging had been done. The officer started on the left of the cubicle and began walking slowly in a half circle around the cubicle holding the holo-recorder at waist height pointed straight outwards. He would continue doing this but at different angles and heights to capture a three dimensional image of the scene. Okay that's all I have so far. Questions and comments are welcome. I wont be able to get back online to check this this thread until around Monday or Tuesday (probably Tuesday). Until then Constructive crit is welcome and I'll do my best to read comments objectively. Edited by - TechnoHydra on January 31, 2002 4:45:46 PM

That is very good. If you can keep that sort of intense atmosphere throughout the game, it should be quite interesting to play. It sort of reminds me of Shadowrun for SNES

I liked the atmosphere but sometimes it got a little too detailed. Does the reader need to know the geography of the apartment - or the mess on the desk - in this detail?

Maybe it''s a text adventure like Zork

Thx for the replies. I''m not really focused on it as the story to a game so much as just a story that would be fun to read. I was a little worried about whether my writing is too detailed. Not all the details I put in are relevant to the story, I just began describing the way I pictured it in my head. If you think it bogs the reader down I''ll do my best to trim it, and watch myself in the future.

Since we''re on the subject. How much detail should I put in to give enough idea about the setting yet at the same time avoid overwhelming the reader?

Crydee are you refering to these areas as being the problem parts? If so I''ll work on these and keep this in mind for future reference. Thx for the help...

quote: Original post by TechnoHydra

The apartment was in the northwestern corner of the building, on the third floor of the building. As he approached the apartment, he nodded to one of the officers who recognized him and motioned with his head to go ahead in. Trent stepped around the reporter who wanted to go inside himself and take a few pictures for a news article.

The apartment was small, but it was the average size for any apartment that could be found in one of these older buildings. The walls were white; at least they used to be. The wallpaper had weathered and been stained countless times, leaving the walls a mottled dirty-white and yellow color. The floors were hardwood aged and worn with passing of time and residents. Upon entering there was a closet immediately to the left and a wall with coat hooks to the right. Passed the closet on the left the short hall opened into a kitchen. Across from that was another short hall that ran off to the right. As Trent passed the hall to the right he saw doors opened revealing a bathroom and a small bedroom. Several enforcement officers were combing through those rooms. Trent followed the original hall another yard, which opened, into the living room. The living room connected to the kitchen by means of a bar counter between the two.

---

The cubicle was a mess. The desk was cluttered so badly that Trent couldn’t see the wooden desktop itself because of the books, scrapes of paper and computer equipment that covered the entire surface. The inner walls of the cubicle were a mess as well. Memo and notes were tacked and taped everywhere. Set in the middle of it all was a computer terminal, the monitor turned on and presently running a screen saver. The keyboard and mouse were set on top of the mess of papers near the front edge of the desk. On top of the computer itself were skyscrapers of mini-discs, drive floppies, and old tech DVD-ROMs. All this, along with the few roaches feasting on leftover food lying mixed in with everything else, completed the present scene layed before Trent.

TechnoHydra,
Why aren't you reading Dennis Lehane? Start with A Drink Before the War. Then read Darkness, Take my Hand . Then Sacred . Then Gone, Baby, Gone . And lastly, Prayers for Rain .

They're all in first person form about a Boston PI duo. Gritty, with a swaggering rhythmic prose. Great stuff.

For good forensic details, read the first six Patricia Cornwell novels.

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Edited by - bishop_pass on January 29, 2002 11:02:02 PM

"The cubicle was a mess. The desk was cluttered so badly that Trent couldn’t see the wooden desktop itself because of the books, scrapes of paper and computer equipment that covered the entire surface. The inner walls of the cubicle were a mess as well. Memo and notes were tacked and taped everywhere. Set in the middle of it all was a computer terminal, the monitor turned on and presently running a screen saver. The keyboard and mouse were set on top of the mess of papers near the front edge of the desk. On top of the computer itself were skyscrapers of mini-discs, drive floppies, and old tech DVD-ROMs. All this, along with the few roaches feasting on leftover food lying mixed in with everything else, completed the present scene layed before Trent."

OR

The cubicle was a mess. The desk was cluttered so badly that Trent couldn’t see the wooden desktop itself. The inner walls of the cubicle [were covered with] notes . Set in the middle of it all was a computer terminal, the monitor turned on. On top of the computer itself were skyscrapers of software. All this, along with the few roaches feasting on leftover food lying mixed in with everything else, completed the scene.

You may think I''ve edited a bit harshly, but hopefully it keeps the sense of what you are doing without too much detail. For example why does the reader need to know the monitor is running a screensaver? Why are the details of what was covering the desks, or what types of software were on the computer, important?

The cubicle was a mess. The desk was cluttered so badly that Trent couldn’t see the wooden desktop itself. The inner walls of the cubicle [were covered with] notes . Set in the middle of it all was a computer terminal, a screensaver running on the monitor. On top of the computer itself were skyscrapers of disks and cd roms. All this, along with the few roaches feasting on leftover food lying mixed in with everything else, completed the scene.

Sometimes the details are interesting. If you're going to mention it at all, details paint a better picture - more real.

I added back in the screensaver and the piles of disks. I can't claim to be a writer or editor, but I prefer them being mentioned over using a similar amount of words which don't mention those details.



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Edited by - bishop_pass on January 30, 2002 10:33:54 AM

Thx for the advise everyone. I went over it all Tuesday night and changed around those 3 paragraphs, they still seemed to give the feeling I''m looking for and they weren''t as heavy to read. Thx for the book suggestions bishop_pass I''ll go look those up.