Hey everyone :)

Today I felt like I needed to make a post like this to gain some insight and advice from like-minded people. I feel a bit alone with this problem, and I'm wondering if anyone have ever felt the same and if so, how they have dealt with it :-) So, it's all a bit of a long story but I will keep it short. I will only type what I feel is relevant for my current situation and thoughts. I apologize if it becomes a tad long.

Basically, I started out programming when I was around 14. Before that I had been playing video games for as long as I remember, and I had always wondered how games were made. Well, when I turned 14 I got my hands on my very first programming language. DarkBasic Classic (I wonder if anyone here knows this and/or used it! :D). I vividly remember opening up the black/white text editor and starring quite confused at the screen. "What in the world does text editing have to do with making games!?", I remember thinking. This lead me to my dad purchasing a DarkBasic programming book which I started reading. Suddenly, I was typing in these commands to print out strings of text on the screen or moving 2D geometrical shapes about. It was magic. I fell in love, and ever since then I've been programming.

Since I started, I remember coming home from school all excited about getting to program again. To me, programming coupled with game development was a journey. It was an adventure. I'm sure I have not been the only one in feeling like this. I would discover new cool things about the programming language I used, and I would put it to use and see my ideas come to life on the screen. What more could you want? I used to spend my weekends just making silly game ideas or whatever other ideas I had. I had a lot of fun doing this for years. I felt like I had found a sort of calling in life, if you can call it that. It lead me to being quite productive. Hell, I even have the posts with my projects on The Game Creators forum (the developers of the DarkBasic programming language). Here's some of the threads for anyone wanting to see. There's even still some of the screenshots lying around! The download links are dead though :-( These threads are years old, it's wonderful that they are still there:

SpaceBattle Shootout - Arcade Shooter

Easy FPS - FPS Game engine

Viberwars - Arcade shooter

Meteor Strike - Arcade Shooter

This was just some of the released projects I had. Besides that I had a lot of other small ones I was tinkering about with.

The point is, I was loving every minute of my spare time. No matter how experienced I got with the programming, I felt like I was still on a journey. I was still exploring this world, and I was still making ideas come to life. It felt as magical as it had always been. It had a certain kind of innocent, naive feeling to it. However it was my world, and I loved it.

At some point in time, "life" just seemed to happen. Now, in Denmark when you turn 16-17 you start on a higher learning institution. I'm not quite sure what the American equivalent is. It takes 3 years and most people are done by the time they are 19-20. After this, you usually apply for university. This intermediate learning institution is called "Gymnasium" in Denmark. So, I started on Gymnasium, however after 1 year I left as it wasn't me. Instead, I went another route and took a web-development degree. From there, I went on and got myself an undergraduate in computer science. Today, I'm in university working towards gaining an engineering degree in information technology. All is well and good.

During my undergraduate of computer science, I joined a game development company with a few of my classmates (They had previously founded it, I joined in as a partner). During the time, we managed to release some quite successful games for the iOS platforms. You can still find them on the app store. Our biggest game release was "Wacky Dragons".

Unfortunately, in all these years, things happened that seemed to suck out that naive "innocence" of programming and game development for me. To me, it now started to feel like a more professional and competitive environment. I wasn't doing programming solely for myself and for my own joy, I felt I had to do it in order to prove my worth in the eyes of others. I felt I had to do it to keep up.

At home, in my spare time, I've still attempted to start game projects and finish them. However it just seems to fail. I have a hard time finding the "spark" anymore. It's a weird thing though, because I still love games, and I still love programming. Hell, I can even feel a want inside me to develop games, it just seems like I'm stuck in a rut.

An evil circle of feeling the pressure to have to make something so I can prove to myself that I'm still the developer that I was when I was younger. An increasing need to produce results so others can see that I am indeed a good programmer. This, coupled with the fact that I never seem to be able to finish even simple projects because I just lose the want to do it, have just made me lose all motivation and drive. It feels demoralizing. It feels so extremely frustrating to have this inner feeling of wanting to make things, and yet have this seeming reality that seems to tell you the complete opposite.

Then, today something happened. I became honest with myself. I told myself that I don't have to make anything. I don't need to sit down and program a game. I didn't when I was younger. I just did it because of myself, I did it because of my own journey. I did it in my own pace and I didn't do it to prove anything to anyone. It wasn't about making the most well-designed code or most well-optimized code. It was about programming and getting ideas out into the world. If I don't have fun with it anymore, then there's no point in doing it. If I have to develop more games, it shouldn't be because I feel like I need to. It should be because I feel I want to.

However, as I said, I still feel like I have an inner, desperate want to be creative and make games. It's just this circle, this rut I'm stuck in. I can't seem to get out of it.

I'm sorry if the whole thing seems fragmented and confusing. I guess I just felt I need to get it out there. Have anyone ever been through the same thing? I feel quite alone with this problem.

I would just like to hear something from others :) Gain an outside perspective, because I've dealt with it for far too long by myself now.

Thank you all!

Go back to programming a "Commodore 64" like when you was younger might work ?

things happened that seemed to suck out that naive "innocence" of programming and game development for me.

perhaps, having worked in the industry, its now old hat?

At home, in my spare time, I've still attempted to start game projects and finish them. However it just seems to fail. I have a hard time finding the "spark" anymore.

and thus, its no longer play, just gruntwork ?

An evil circle of feeling the pressure to have to make something so I can prove to myself that I'm still the developer that I was when I was younger. An increasing need to produce results so others can see that I am indeed a good programmer. This, coupled with the fact that I never seem to be able to finish even simple projects because I just lose the want to do it, have just made me lose all motivation and drive.

there's a big difference between being able to do something and wanting to do it.

If I have to develop more games, it shouldn't be because I feel like I need to. It should be because I feel I want to.

perhaps you subconsciously feel pressure to meet work level production quality on your "for fun" projects?

I still feel like I have an inner, desperate want to be creative and make games

figure out what sounds like the most fun to make and make it. to heck with everything else.

you might also try a google on:

"7 causes of procrastination and what to do about them"

you might also apply the typical post-mortem analysis to your unfinished projects, as to why they were abandoned.

I joined a game development company ... I wasn't doing programming solely for myself and for my own joy...
At home, in my spare time, I've still attempted to start game projects and finish them. However it just seems to fail. ... I never seem to be able to finish even simple projects because I just lose the want to do it...
Then, today ... I told myself that I don't have to make anything. I don't need to sit down and program a game.
... However, as I said, I still feel like I have an inner, desperate want to be creative and make games.... Have anyone ever been through the same thing? I feel quite alone with this problem.

Beagly,
This is all perfectly natural, you're not alone, and this will sort itself out.
If you're not motivated to make games on your own right now, don't. At some point you may feel motivated again. If not, you'll get motivated to spend your energies elsewhere, and that's perfectly okay.
You're just going through a change. Change is a constant in life.

Thank you for the replies, guys! Much appreciated :)

you might also try a google on:

"7 causes of procrastination and what to do about them"

I googled this and read the top article that showed up. Overall a very helpful article, I'll have it bookmarked for sure and also look at it again later today! Thanks!

This is all perfectly natural, you're not alone, and this will sort itself out.
If you're not motivated to make games on your own right now, don't. At some point you may feel motivated again. If not, you'll get motivated to spend your energies elsewhere, and that's perfectly okay.
You're just going through a change. Change is a constant in life.

Thank you for this comment :) I feel this is perhaps the sort of thing I need to hear. I just have to be able to accept the fact that I'm going through change, which is a perfectly natural thing to be doing, instead of forcing myself to do things I might not want to do.

It kind of makes me feel more free already :)

Thanks for the comments so far, again, I appreciate it a lot.

Same thing here. I used to program 'games' a LOT before I finished college. (I say 'games' because they were unreleased tech demos for learning purposes and not polished games)

After I got hired at a game development studio, I came to understand just how much work goes into game art, and if I was serious about finishing my own games I'd need to hire an artist or learn to do it myself (neither of which I feel like bothering with). So instead, I work on non-game projects (but still programming projects) at home now.

My motivation level for my home projects is erratic. Sometimes I'll maintain motivation for several months, sometimes I'll lose it for months.


I say: Don't regret your motivation when it focuses on something else - motivation is just a decision-making process; if you were the one making the decision, and there are no bad consequences, then you don't have to feel bad about it!

Hey Nypyren!

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply! :) Seems like I'm not the only one when it comes to motivation levels then!

I think a key part of the whole process has been that I did feel bad for not being productive in the same way that I used to. You're right, I shouldn't feel bad about it. I might just need to spend some time on something else entirely which is perfectly okay :)

Thanks!

I have been there. You sound like you are suffering from a case of burn out. How many hours per week are you working on code? Professionally and as a hobby?

If you are working as a coder, the last thing you want to do is go home and write more code. You need to give yourself some time to recharge your batteries.

If you think of yourself as a battery which gets recharged when you're not working, and gets drained when its working, the idea of burn out will start to make sense.

Day 1: 100% charge -> 30% charge
Night 1: Recharge to 90%

Day 2: 90% -> 20% charge

Night 2: Recharge to 80%

Day 3: 80% -> 10% charge

Night 3: Recharge to 70%
Day 4: 70% charge to -10% charge

Night 4: Recharge to 60%

Day 5: 60% charge to -20% charge

If Weekend: Recharge to 100% charge.

If work on saturday: Recharge to 50% charge.

If work on sunday: recharge to 40% charge.

Eventually, you will only be able to recharge to 10% of your former efficiency. Each recharge cycle gives you slightly less and less charge, until you get to the point where you're at 0% charge and recharging only gives you maybe 5%. I was there once, working 12 hour days, 7 days/week, for 18 months. Towards the end, I was struggling to work for even 20 minutes in a 12 hour day. I was useless and very demotivated due to severe burn out. The solution is to take a nice long break so that you can rejuvenate your mojo.

Once you get it back, you need to guard your schedule very jealously. Don't let your inner batteries get discharged lower and faster than you can recharge them. Focus on a sustainable pace of work.
The other thing that really helps is to get the intention to really work hard on something. For me, that means I need to leave home and work out of an office. I can't work from home because home is where I relax. I'm just not in the mindset to work when I'm at home, and if home is my work, then I also can't relax when I'm at home because I feel like I should be working instead of relaxing.


Also, it sounds like you're trying too hard to prove to other people that you're a "programmer". Have you written instructions which a computer follows to create some sort of "software"? If so, you're a programmer. Good enough. Forget about titles and move on, because titles are pretty useless indicators of actual value. Instead, focus on delivering results which are to your satisfaction. The titles will follow, whatever they are. Remember: It's not titles which give honor to men, but men which give honor to titles.

Hey Slayemin! Thank you so much for the reply! Sorry for the slow response, my days are busy :)

I have been there. You sound like you are suffering from a case of burn out. How many hours per week are you working on code? Professionally and as a hobby?

I actually do not work professionally with coding as of now. I'm taking a degree in engineering (Information technology), however I'm currently finishing up an entrance course which means I don't actually work with software development yet. I'm simply working on brining classical subjects such as mathematics, physics and chemistry to higher levels. As a hobby I have tried to do programming, however always end up stuck in the same rut as described in my original post :-)

I think your recharge analogy still applies perfectly well, even though I don't work professionally with code currently. The reason is that for a very, very long time I would attempt to force myself to program something, and then end up failing because of simply not feeling like it. This in turn made me feel more demorilized, and so the circle continues. When I did not code I would be thinking about not being productive, which would make me feel bad. So while I never really did do much coding, I still got the feeling of burn-out as I wouldn't allow myself to let it go.

So I think you're right. I need to take a step back, do some recharging by being able to let go of programming. I mean, I still feel the want to program and explore programming, I'm just... you know, burn-out basically. I really do think all I just need is a break. Then, when I get the feeling of wanting back, I have to be, as you say, careful :-) You raise some excellent points!

Thank you a lot for the post! It makes me feel better about the whole situation. Today, I've been able to just relax and not beat myself up over the burn-out :) I'm sure it will get better!

I just got back to work after a burn-out induced break myself. 27 months, averaging 12 hours a day, 7 days a week - and then i hit my limit and productivity plummeted.

Like you, i was in a quandary as to the cause of the problem.

i stumbled across the "7 causes of procrastination" while goofing off surfing the web. one i saw "burnout" (especially compared to the other causes which seemed irrelevant to my case) i knew what the problem was.

So i simply "went on vacation" so to speak. after a while, i found myself thinking about the project again, and then wanting to implement some cool new feature or clever solution i thought of. and now i'm back to work, full throttle.

getting a lot of sleep seems to help as well. when i learned about the new discoveries about why we sleep, i started sleeping as much as i seemed to need. most of my life i've run on that new drug called "lack of sleep". increased sleep made a big difference. now i wake up fully charged and ready to go, like i was 5 years old again!

a fresh brain is vital to the mental gymnastics of getting all the relevant bits of code into your head to make a big change on a large project.