Nice plot twisting there , but I wanted in the story to know who betrayed you, to see them betraying you. But I think I can make that the mafia boss betrays you, when you try to payoff your debt. Then I have just one question, if the mafia boss betrays you, wouldn't that be a little clihce? Anyway after reading my story again, I find it increadibly generic and boring, your idea is a nice inspiration, Thanks for the advice.

You say that Sarah helps on the original heist, which makes her sound like cool sexy strong criminal girl, but then she is tied up and murdered very early in the game, which makes her sound like a weak submissive damsel in distress.

Without more information, these ideas clash in my head...

Either she should stay cool and strong and adept and shouldn't be killed early in the story, OR if she is to remain weak and uninteresting and die early then she shouldn't be along for the initial heist.

Both of my solutions are very cliche female roles in a story of this kind though, so feel free to ignore me for the sake of originality.

Well I ment for her to be killed somewhere in the middle of the game, after a fight, but I think you're right. I think I will do what Shifty Cake wrote, and make her look like the bad guy. I noticed that there aren't that many female anatgonists, and this would just fine.

Thanks for the advice.