The writing is not very good. On the bright side, this is game writing, so it's not necessarily going to be in this format.





I think you should divide your categories up differently. Stick to the main points:


1. Game type: Not "first person", that is a perspective. Is this an fps game with some rpg elements? That's what your description suggests. Is it single-player, again as your description suggest? Is it a sandbox game or a linear story-line? Also, you list only three platforms, but then say it is for "all"... Which is it?


2. Plot: What is the overarching plot? This is not for players to read, so you don't need to be mysterious about it. What is the inciting incident, the scene which opens the game's storyline? You seem to have done some writing for that, although is is prose as opposed to being written in script format.


3. Character: Who is the main character? What is some backstory? How did they end up in the situation?


4. Mechanics: What mechanics do you offer that make this a game worth playing? How are they similar to or different from the sort of mechanics usually found in this genre?


5. Combat Style: Be specific. Hand-to-hand? Guns? "Swords" are not high-tech, they are low-tech. What are the capabilities of the power armor? Why does it need shoulder lamps? Are the enemies AI-controlled or do they follow set patterns?




You need to separate the story from the gameplay so that a reader understands how things work.

Okay, please relax a bit man. I asked about archetypes in the first place because I particularly like archetypes. I was trying to find something positive to say by picking the part of the first post that interested me most and inquiring whether there was more information about it that hadn't made it into the first post. The pained look was for the google link - wouldn't you feel pained if someone gave you a google link to something you already know a lot about? I wanted an emoticon to express that but there isn't one in this set so I wrote out the facial expression I wanted. I don't believe that I 'slammed' anything, but if it looked that way to you, I wasn't trying to. At any rate, if archetypes turn out to be irrelevant, that's fine, I can ask about something else.

This question that Liosse asked "Plot: What is the overarching plot? This is not for players to read, so you don't need to be mysterious about it." is the next point that interests me most. The (amnesiac?) main character's goal seems to be investigating why the world is mostly destroyed and empty and why they are dressed as a futuristic soldier. Ok, as a player I like to investigate mysteries. But as writers helping you refine your ideas we need to know, what is the answer to this mystery, and how does the game end?

It appears that you seem to focus on one part you are looking at even after a reply, and focus solely on what you find is the 'downfall' of the project from your
view...a title which is 'possible'...or should I go back and just delete the name?

Too late for that, because you have just slammed it with your words to pin outside eyes onto someones idea, onto one point.

And added your little *pained look* as if to rub me up the wrong way, well, you succeeded. Grow up.

What I don't need is you, a Moderator for a possible 'helping place' for an idea submission, sitting there focusing on one point, twice, then making me wonder why I payed membership to where
you feel you could have an idea for outsiders other than yourself to see. You then place and your thoughts, due to having a bad time understanding relation to one word. Do you need
motivation to move onto another area of the story or something? Maybe sip your juice or bot bot next to you?

If you have a problem with my reply, delete this and the whole thing from the forum.

To all the replies.

This is feedback someone desires. To find out whether or not a person 'is' or 'is not' heading in the right direction with a story, without the
qualifications so far as a dedicated writer, and to find out if this is what path they should follow.

It is pretty clear to me that I have a long way to go, and it is clear to me that there are people here with proffessional backgrounds
in the field that I am looking to consider somewhere down the line, that much I understand. And appreciate highly.

It is this type of feedback on my idea that has now made me on my own basis progress over time and work on. Break it apart, and consider listening to opinions
and changes to make a story better. Thats what makes someone power ahead, who doesn't have the accreditations yet.

I could sit here and pick apart the replies with quotes from each, but overall the replies from all are fine and great. It is what someone wants to hear.

Thanks for all the feedback, and apologies for any miscommunications on my behalf.

One thing I think I could add, although it has been mostly been covered by Joe, is that you seem to be writing a book more than a script or at least you are explain the characters movement etc. much like a book would. In fact is almost seems like you tried to do it like a script would, aka "X character moves to position Y and looks up", but decided against it. If you truly plan for this to be a story told through the medium of game you will save yourself a lot of time and effort if you write it like it's for a game from the start. Just think of how you want to get the story across, in your case I'm guessing cut scenes, and then write it to fit that medium accordingly.

Your setting is very well described, but your character is less well defined. My advice is to start with two people so they can talk and ask each other questions. In any narrative, dialogue speeds the story up, while descriptions of what is seen, heard, felt, etc. slows them down.

It's necessary to have both, because narrative tempo has to be varied to maintain the reader's interest (and give them time to rest after action or intense drama). However, it's generally a good idea to start a story at the moment the main character becomes involved with the plot, and the first element of any plot is an event of some kind.

It's a good start! All the best.