"It’s ironic, that Osmond was so good at taking life, yet he hated it deeply" -- I am not sure this is irony. It would be irony if he would love life, yet be able to take it easilly, if not subcontiously.

"“It’s so cold”, whines Osmond.
“Do you want my blanket”, murmurs Vegard.
“No, you would freeze”. ‘Idiot’, the younger brother thinks."
You are doing the same thing I did when first posted here to be rated avoiding the usage of said. And I think that saying "thinks aloud" sounds better, because as it is now stands the brother just thinks the whole sentence(s?)

"“What are you doing?!” He shouts a whisper." -- I am not sure this is a correct form. I would rather use hiss or a similar verb -- shouting a whisper doesn't sound right.

Throuought the story you use different times that had me confused a bit while reading. The consistency is a tad shaky and the story feels rushed by the end.

Edited with your suggestions in mind. I'll work on the end.
Thanks !

Happy to help! Here is another batch.

"It’s sad, that he was so good at taking life, yet he hated it deeply." -- I'm sorry, but this sentence yet again has a bad structure >.> While using the "yet" word bear in mind it's meaning. Saying "He hated cereal, yet he had to eat it each morning" is correct. Saying "he loved cereal, yet he had to eat it every day" is wrong. Does that make any sense? You could also try "It's sad that he hated life, yet he was the best at taking it away. As a soldier it was his duty. " Think it sounds a bit clearer this way.

" “No, you would freeze... Idiot’, the younger brother says." -- I would use the form "said the younger brother". Feels more natural. And with the correct time form used.

Also, while writing, try not to use present simple so much. "He stands in a corner, a bottle almost unfelt clinging to his fingers" sounds wrong -- "He stood in a corner unknowingly clinging(or better - just grasping/holding) to a bottle" sounds better IMO.

Keep up the good work mate

Happy to help! Here is another batch.

"It’s sad, that he was so good at taking life, yet he hated it deeply." -- I'm sorry, but this sentence yet again has a bad structure >.> While using the "yet" word bear in mind it's meaning. Saying "He hated cereal, yet he had to eat it each morning is correct". Saying "he loved cereal, yet he had to eat it every day" is wrong. Does that make any sense?

" “No, you would freeze... Idiot’, the younger brother says." -- I would use the form "said the younger brother". Feels more natural. And with the correct time form used.

Also, while writing, try not to use present simple so much. "He stands in a corner, a bottle almost unfelt clinging to his fingers" sounds wrong -- "He stood in a corner unknowingly clinging(or better - just grasping/holding) to a bottle" sounds better IMO.

Keep up the good work mate

Edited again . I'm doing my best not to rip you off too blatantly.
Thanks again for the criticism.

Don't restrain yourself Everyone learns by ripping someone else off. Like in drawing, you start by re-drawing some cartoon heroes from cereal boxes. (A lot of cereal in my last 2 posts. Time to eat I guess).

Anyway, those are just the bits and pieces that seem obvious, I can't actually go indepth with the text and write a proper review of it (am at work and time needs to be pushed elsewhere), and at the same time I do not want to just point out what seems awkward and wrong without proper feedback. Unless JoeCooper replies first, I will gladly get back to this to adress all the issues there might be

Oh god there's more

I'm also re-writing the first post.

Zethariel's advice is very good.

I'd recommend avoiding judgments in the narrative. Rather than telling the reader that such and such is ironic, it should be whatever it is and the reader should judge. Case in point, it can be a bit jarring when the reader reads that something is "ironic" and says, "that's not ironic!" and suddenly he's thinking about the writer, not the content, and sees the frame.

Granted this is a little bit of a post-modernist convention, but it helps be conservative early on; avoiding judgments in the narrative helps you keep from writing false pathos.

It also prevents you from writing to thin. When you judge things in the narrative, you make it more jarring for the reader to judge things. Reading is an active process. Inferring, judging, predicting, ...

In light of the above, you should at some point throw out that opening blurb. But you might leave it in now while you get your bearings straight.

[color="#1C2837"]“No, you would freeze... Idiot’, said the younger brother.[/quote]
[color="#1C2837"]
[color="#1C2837"]You (the writer) knows who's who. Write the names. Use "said" and "asked" as much as possible followed by the names in a consistent manner.
[color="#1C2837"]
[color="#1C2837"]Finally, most important thing to sum up everything that needs to be worked; the word of the day is "understatement".

Yeah i got rid of it. It's just one of those things that gives me some inspiration, like music.

Thanks for the advice, I'll try to keep it in mind.

[size=2]Alright, excellence.
[size=2]

[size=2]"[color=#1C2837][size=2]It's just one of those things that gives me some inspiration, like music."
[color="#1C2837"][size=2]

[color="#1C2837"][size=2]Absolutely, in fact I did the same thing (then deleted it later).
[size=2]
[color="#1C2837"][color="#000000"][size=2]Now this gets trickier.[size=2]
[color="#1C2837"][color="#000000"][size=2][size=2]
[color="#1C2837"][color="#000000"][size=2]The present tense is all wrong, I'm not really up to explaining right now, but it should be simple past or else it looks like you're cybering - "and now I put my mouth on your- oops, I sneezed, do you have a tissue?".[size=2]
[color="#1C2837"][color="#000000"][size=2][size=2]
[color="#1C2837"][color="#000000"][size=2]But a more persistent thing is subjects seem ill-chosen.[size=2]
[color="#1C2837"][color="#000000"][size=2][size=2]
[color="#1C2837"][color="#000000"][size=2]Like "a bottle clasped in his hand", when the man should be the subject, not the bottle, e.g. "clasping a bottle in his hand" (or even just "clasping a bottle").[size=2]

So the sentences seem very bombastically constructed.

Tone it down so the reality of the situation may shine through.

"[color=#1C2837][size=2][font=Arial]TLV [/font]is the story of two brothers, born and bred in a dieing city with a seemingly perpetual winter. They abandon the safety of an orphans life, and delve into the violence of the streets and a life of teenage criminals."

[color=#1C2837][size=2]

[color=#1C2837][size=2]This is an excellent paragraph.

"[color="#1c2837"][font="Arial"]TLV [/font]is the story of two brothers, born and bred in a dieing city with a seemingly perpetual winter. They abandon the safety of an orphans life, and delve into the violence of the streets and a life of teenage criminals."

[color="#1c2837"]
[color="#1c2837"]This is an excellent paragraph.

/self-props

Continually editing small parts of the little story.