"Why would a dragon collect treasure?" Dave asked out of the blue. The men sitting at the table looked at him briefly. "I mean, dragons can't actually buy anything. They do not have merchants, trading routes, kings or taxes. Why would they go through all the trouble of collecting coins with those big talons?"
"Maybe they sleep on it? Perhaps it's comfortable?" replied Alan "Have you ever slept on gold?"
"Not really, no. The life of a mercenary isn't that luxurious" sighed Dave, a grunt of approval going through the men at the table. "But even if it is comfortable, do you think our kings and queens do the same? They learn from dragons? Or the dragons learned from them?"
"Don't know. I never really met a noble. No, wait, I did. But we didn't get to talk much - they loose interest in chatter when arrows are sticking out of their throats" chuckled Alan, as the rest of the company smiled.
"True dat. But still - isn't it a bit odd? Noblemen and dragons seem to have a lot in common. Both like riches, both oppress whatever people they can get their hands on. And both definitely like virgins" Dave drank deeply from his cup before continuing "You know what I think? The dragons ARE the nobles. Or the other way around, it doesn't matter."
"So what? You goin out hunting noble dragons now?" laughed Alan "Boy, go find yourself some real work before you get into trouble. And let go of that mug - you're starting to talk nonsense again." The men at the table agreed to that and, after a short struggle, managed to take away Dave's beverage. Sulking, he left the tavern and decided to take a stroll under the night sky. The idea of vile beasts ruling over humankind wouldn't let him go. He always had crazy theories after too much beer - but unlike his past fantasies, this one seemed strong and true. Dragons ruling over humankind in disguise...
The next day Dave woke up in a gutter, as usual. And as usual the little money he had with him was gone. It was highly doubtful anyone stole it - after all, even stoned, the man was a formidable swordsman, an excellent archer and deadly assassin. All his past adventures forged him into a great mercenary - still he had a very weak head and a liking for strong beer.
As his senses adjusted to the environment he woke up in, yesterday's thought struck again, splitting his head apart - Dragons are Noblemen. The man found a puddle and splashed his face with water, hopefully. His skull pounding with dull pain, he picked himself up and swaying made towards the tavern. The doors were nearly torn out of their frame and every window was broken - it seems his comrades had a heated debate over something, most likely the share each one would get after the next job. Typical. As Dave entered the cool interior, a head splitting crash heralded the demise of the massacred door. The owner was nowhere to be seen - it would not be surprising to see him locked in a basement with his family.


I would like to stop here and explain why I wrote this. For some time now I have been writing short stories about Dave, for training purposes. No one is able to assess if it is good or not, tho, so I would like an opinion of the community here - what needs to be changed in my current style of writing?
I am aware that dialog is kind of eerie. I'm not used to making quotes over dialog text - in all the books I've read in my native language we use a dash before the text spoken by a character.
My concern is also the language I use - I tend to over detail everything and leave out other parts that could be important for a reader.
Any comments are welcome and will be taken into account

Hi! I'm going to focus on modern English language writing style. Read carefully. This is old writing wisdom you'll find in any English business writing class. I'll cram it into a forum post for you.

It'll move you a little out of n00b territory. Respect and understand these rules...
First, you're exhibiting "said avoidance".

It's OK to just say "said John", "said Alan", "said Dragathor", etc.

It feels monotonous because you're writing it. When someone reads, the saids become invisible, almost like punctuation. One can quickly assess who is speaking.

It's worse when the verbs are completely divorced from the act of speaking, like "laughed" or "chuckled". He didn't laugh the words. Occasionally you may want to use a verb like "screamed", "wrote" or "whispered", and these are OK because they describe acts of language communication. But mainly, stick to "said" or "asked".

If you feel they're repetitive, ignore your feelings.

It's hard to read the paragraph breaks. You need line spaces between paragraphs or indentation on a forum. In normal writing, you must use indentation on the first line of a paragraph. This is what the rules at the top of the page on your word processor are for.

That said, it looks like you understand that as a fiction writer you may break paragraphs whenever you feel like it. This is correct. I usually also break paragraphs every time the speaker changes, but I haven't thought too much of that.

Now then. [color="#1C2837"]Writing's a lot of sentence smithery; the longest book is read one sentence at a time. I'll examine a sentence as an example. [color="#1C2837"]You wrote this:

"[color="#1C2837"]a grunt of approval going through the men at the table"

[color="#1C2837"]I would rewrite it like this:

[color="#1C2837"]"the men at the table grunted approvingly"

[color="#1C2837"]This example was a carefully crafted sentence. Let's examine the changes I made.

[color="#1C2837"]Folks say to avoid adverbs. I agree. So why did I not stick with "grunted in approval"?

[color="#1C2837"]1) "Grunt in approval" sounds OK when you say it out loud but "grunted in approval" did not feel right to me, and we have to use the past tense here.

[color="#1C2837"]2) There isn't a more specific verb than "grunt in approval". If we say "grunt", it doesn't mean the same thing anymore. So we can pretend that "grunt approvingly" or "grunt in approval" is one whole verb.

[color="#1C2837"]3) "in approval" is only an adverb in disguise.

[color="#1C2837"]Why did I reverse the sentence in the first place?

[color="#1C2837"]Because it's easier and faster to interpret when you stick to a Subject, Verb, Object framework. This is the standardized English form. You should also prefer the "active voice" (look it up).

[color="#1C2837"]You might think that the grunt in approval is the subject. Grammatically it is, but it's not the real subject. It's a noun from a verb, like drukowanie from drukowa?. The grunt comes and it goes. Really, the existence of the approving grunt is an action. The whole construct is the verb in disguise, and the real subject is the men at the table. That's who the reader cares about.

[color="#1C2837"]Third change; why did I change "men around the table" to "men at the table"?

[color="#1C2837"]For the same reason that I threw out "grunted in approval"; when spoken out loud, it didn't feel right.

[color="#1C2837"]After your quotes you wrote some very vague, "this happened and then this happened" section. This is OK. I want to say that before anyone tells you that it's not OK. Some will say it's not OK because of the "show, don't tell" rule.

[color="#1C2837"]Lemme talk about that for a second. People often think "show, don't tell" is about actions and going into detail. You wrote that they struggled and took his drink and sent him home. One might say "describe this happening", but this is slavishly adhering to rules.

[color="#1C2837"]What you wrote is OK because it tells more about the situation than it actually says and because it paints a picture. For example, it may communicate that they care about his well-being enough to stop him from drinking. You can arrive at this conclusion if you think about it, and if you don't, it is realistic because there's more reality behind the curtain.

[color="#1C2837"]But... If you wrote "everyone was bummed that he didn't stop drinking", that would be less good because it fails to paint a picture of the situation.

[color="#1C2837"]One time I was reviewing some kid's writing assignments in a special ed class.

[color="#1C2837"]One of them wrote, in a story about the school getting attacked by aliens (or something) this sentence; "everyone was screaming."

[color="#1C2837"]Gold star for that! A less talented individual would write "everyone was scared". When "everyone was screaming", you have a clear mental image of the situation and you now know that everyone was scared.

[color="#1C2837"]Another thing. You'll commonly be told to avoid the "to be" verb. This is good. But in English, some verb forms are partially made of the "to be" verb, for example the "was screaming" construction above. This is OK. Go ahead an use these verb forms when you need to; their use of the "to be" verb doesn't count.
[color="#1C2837"][color="#000000"]
[color="#1C2837"]There are some minor mistakes in language use but I'm not concerned with that. Ask your teacher.
[color="#1C2837"]
[color="#1C2837"]Dave's interpretation of the facts is also somewhat delusional; nobles being dragons in disguise does not answer the opening question and in fact introduces a shitstorm of new questions.
[color="#1C2837"]
[color="#1C2837"]But that might be your intention and because I bothered to think about it and judge the situation with feeling, you get a gold star.

These are stylistic opinions. I'm not a grammar nitpicker, but I will point out some grammatical issues where I found they distracted me as a reader.

Don't be afraid to use lots of sentences. In my opinion it sounds kind of newb-ish to use lots of constructions like this:

"Not really, no. The life of a mercenary isn't that luxurious" sighed Dave, a grunt of approval going through the men at the table
"Don't know. I never really met a noble. No, wait, I did. But we didn't get to talk much - they loose interest in chatter when arrows are sticking out of their throats" chuckled Alan, as the rest of the company smiled.
To me it sounds better to say:
"Don't know. I never really met a noble. No, wait, I did. But we didn't get to talk much - they loose interest in chatter when arrows are sticking out of their throats" chuckled Alan. The rest of the company smiled.
I think it sounds better because it's more sequentially correct. The rest of the company didn't smile WHILE Alan was talking about arrows sticking out of their throats. They smiled afterward.

And I agree with JoeCooper. Alan doesn't chuckle the quote. He says it and then chuckles.
You are missing punctuation all over the place. Sentences have to end in a period (or exclamation point or question mark), whether they are followed by a quote, end it a quote, etc. And something like:
sticking out of their throats" chuckled Alan
should be
sticking out of their throats," chuckled Alan


Missing commas, especially.
His skull pounding with dull pain, he picked himself up and swaying made towards the tavern
should be
His skull pounding with dull pain, he picked himself up and, swaying, made towards the tavern


There are a few weird constructions. For example:
The man found a puddle and splashed his face with water, hopefully. sounds confusing. Is he hopeful while he splashes his face? It is better to write:
The man found a puddle and splashed his face with what he hoped was water.


a formidable swordsman, an excellent archer and deadly assassin
It sounds strange to use the indefinite article for the first two elements of the list but not the third. I'd suggest:
a formidable swordsman, an excellent archer and a deadly assassin


His skull pounding with dull pain, he picked himself up and swaying made towards the tavern. The doors were nearly torn out of their frame...
Seems very sudden. It sounds like you're describing the tavern before he even gets there. Maybe try:

His skull pounding with dull pain, he picked himself up and swaying made towards the tavern. As he approached he saw that he doors were nearly torn out of their frame...


The doors were nearly torn out of their frame and every window was broken - it seems his comrades had a heated debate over something
Stay in the right tense. Try:

The doors were nearly torn out of their frame and every window was broken - it seemed his comrades had a heated debate over something


I think head-splitting should be hyphenated. head-splitting


Try to use the longer dash for "em dashes". Head-splitting uses an "en dash," which is short. I ate a sandwich -- I was hungry calls for an "em dash," which is longer.

Overall pretty good. Better than average. I assume the anachronisms were purposeful, right? It's not traditional for "true dat" to be used in a fantasy setting. If it's purposeful then it's fine -- it's your world and you can construct it how you'd like.

One more thing. You say "training purposes." What are you training for? If this is for video games (which is implied by the website we're on right now), then you may want to use a script-writing format. It may be more suitable.

I think it's OK to be writing in prose, or just about anything really, as long as you write other formats sometimes and understand what you're really trying to do when you go at any project.


But games are a multimedia format and definitely differ from prose writing. You'd have sound, music, visual, interactive and game state & rule components which can all communicate. You (OP) need to be thinking in those terms.

Game writing also involves a lot more emphasis on "world building". I wrote a little for a small online game and it involved a lot of widget descriptions, descriptions of events and there was no narrative whatsoever. The task included 30 or so super-short stories with no over-arching narrative. But everything had to paint a cohesive picture of a fantasy world, like a painting you can walk around in. Everything written has to characterize the world. One needs to be good at characterizing everything -- expressing its nature & state -- to write in a game. Learn to do this well with people, objects, worlds, groups, scenarios, everything.

P.S. I totally agree about the grammar, I just made a point of not explaining because the OP is ESL and probably has an English teacher. I decided to assume he'll work on his English elsewhere and focus on the art of it here.

Thanks for the responses guys!

Alas, I do not have a teacher - I am a self study. School didn't provide even a fraction of the knowledge I have now.

I do agree that punctuation in English is confusing for me. Especially the dialog Thanks for the very valuable tips! I'll be sure to implement them.



I will try to use more said. I'm curious about how to imply the person speaking - wouldn't using his name over and over again after each statement be tedious? Would using things such as man, lad, boy, brearded guy interchangeably be OK?
I wanted to use indentiation, but was unable due to the tab key not doing it's job Guess I'll revert to writing in word before posting a post (ironically, I'm not doing it with this one...).

Indeed, I do like the reader to think a bit about what he is reading. I want him to predict, speculate and then be amazed or let down at what comes next. I liked the style used in a series of short stories under the collaborative title "Ticket to Tranai" by Robert Sheckley. The author uses open endings that pit the characters in situations one can never be certain of. Will he die? Will he live? Is there a princess or a tiger behind that door?

As for the training part, it's mainly training of my language muscle, which is a lot weaker than I expected. I am aware that writing for games requires a different view, more focus on surroudings and characters. Although VERY messy, here is a description of one of the creatures that will be in a game I'm making:


[font="Times New Roman"]*"Drummer" or "Bongo" - This creature looks like a crab with no pincers and only 4 legs. The Bongo is the size of a small dog and has long, thin limbs, making it over 2m tall. Its head has a pair of antennae sticking out of it. The outer shell of the Bongo is bruised with small craters, making its surface bumpy and rough to the touch. The carapace seems stronger than SpiderSteel (hardest metal known to man so far). Scientists are capable of opening a Drummer by exploiting a small gap in its front, where the presumed head is. [/font]

[font="Times New Roman"] The creature itself is a shrimp-like organism, with a big tail section on which several round eggs sit. Scientists were unable to extract the thing out of its carapace without killing the Drummer, as it seems very tightly bond with the shell via a high density of neurons and nervous system. [/font]

[font="Times New Roman"] When the Bongo does not wander around in a smooth stride, it has its feet and feelers hidden inside its absurdly hard armour -- resembling a common rock in that form. Its nickname origins from the loud bang it creates while being subject to kinetic impact -- with a series of impacts resembling some king of tribal music. [/font]

[font="Times New Roman"] The Bongo has been observed to whack itself against all sorts of things, including rocks, other wildlife or facility buildings. It does so with great force despite its muscles being obscure. Such a blow is capable of knocking over a human or smashing a boulder. A SpiderSteel construction was said to have been breached by several Drummers’ efforts. [/font]

[font="Times New Roman"] The sound amplitude seems to differ with the force of the hit, as a high calibre explosive round produces a booming sound, while stroking it with a probe is a barely hearable sound. While subject to kinetic impact, the Bongo sits still, his limbs and feelers retracted. It has been noted that the Drummer tens to put itself in harms way intentionally -- it throws itself against turret fire, down from cliffs, and so on, producing that strange kind of fascinating music.[/font]

[font="Times New Roman"] There was one fatal situation involving the Drummer reported officially. Security, either from boredom or just as a form of joke, had a contest to make the loudest noise using a Bongo. Several minutes into the barrage of cannon fire, several others of the aliens' kin joined, producing even louder "music". Nobody is capable of saying whether ammunition ran out or the Overseer finally reacted to the situation – moments after the shooting stopped, the Bongos stood up and charged the turrets, clogging barrels and banging against their surface. Efforts were made to stop the Bongo attack, but more resistance using projectile weapons only drew more Bongos. Emergency extraction protocols were engaged as the facility was being overrun by what would seem hundreds of Drummers. Half the stationing staff suffered from concussions or internal organ damage and 10 mortal casualties were reported.[/font]


EDIT: Gah, even after reformatiing in Word the text looks crappy. Sorry for that.

The fuckin' internet ate my post! I'll type what I can remember.

[color=#1C2837][size=2]wouldn't using his name over and over again after each statement be tedious? Would using things such as man, lad, boy, brearded guy ...[/quote]
[color=#1C2837][size=2]

[color="#1C2837"][size=2]Generally you are trying to clearly tag the statement. It feels more tedious to write it, but for someone else reading it, it gets glossed over and barely noticed. "said Alan" becomes a clear, single symbol that you recognize like a face without thinking about it.
[color="#1C2837"][size=2]

[color="#1C2837"][size=2]Of course you may screw with this if you feel. Like
[color="#1C2837"][size=2]

[color="#1C2837"][size=2]

said the lady by the window ... said the lady she now wanted to smack ... said the lady she envisioned falling off a cliff into a pit of velociraptors and baby poo[/quote]
[color="#1C2837"][size=2]

[color="#1C2837"][size=2]But if you're not trying to do anything in particular, make them consistent. Consistency is ignorable. It's invisible.
[color="#1C2837"][size=2]

[color="#1C2837"][size=2]

[color=#1C2837][size=2]here is a description of one[/quote]
[color=#1C2837][size=2]

[color=#1C2837][size=2]I have to runoff for some errands but at a glance it's exactly what you want.
[color=#1C2837][size=2]

[color=#1C2837][size=2]It is, however, informational writing and initially it needs to be treated as a game piece, not an art piece.
[color=#1C2837][size=2]

[color=#1C2837][size=2]Have a glance at Civilization for what I mean; it has unit descriptions formally split into two pages, one which describes it as a game piece (it has 15 attack, 8 bombard, ...) and as a historical unit (it was built in response to the MiG-25 during the cold war by ...)
[color=#1C2837][size=2]

[color="#1C2837"][size=2]So that you can quickly get down to business or read on and immerse yourself in the world presented.
[color="#1C2837"][size=2]

[color="#1C2837"][size=2]This is like the latter. The business end needs to be up front, though you might not be responsible for writing it anyway. Just letting you know.
[color="#1C2837"][size=2]

[color="#1C2837"][size=2]I'll take a closer look at it as a writing piece later today but at a glance it looks like what you're going for.

Indeed, it was taken from the lore part of the document. I found it hard to create something related to gameplay without having even the simplest prototype (my only skill is writing, I'm considering learning coding as a last resort now). It would be quite pointless to state that this will have X HP, Y armour and Z speed without those numbers having a meaning that would reflect in the game's ballance. So the design for now is rather pure ideas, including some background story to the world, creatures and social interactions of the future.

Thanks for your time, it really helped! You kind of solved my greatest problem with dialog (which made me avoid it as much as I could ) -- now that it's gone I can freely make other, more important mistakes in the art of war... Writing, I mean.

I personally liked it.

It is 100% likeable.