Apologizing to loved ones and friends is a must if you did something wrong. To others in a professional setting it is often contraindicated as other posters pointed out. It can mark one as a pushover, needy for acceptance, etc.

On the other side of the coin, tact and subtle manipulations can go very far in a professional environment. There usually is an optimal way to go about these social situations so as to reduce the headache for oneself. For example, my brother uses the 'placate' strategy and tells people what they want to hear. I started doing this too and it reduces friction with people and keeps them more pacified and more open to persuasion and subtle manipulation.

The tact thing is important too. My girlfriend is hard on her roommate since she is the owner of the property. Her roommate used the AC when my gf thought the weather was cool enough not to warrant running the AC. So she chastised her roommate and a problem was created which then then had to tell me about. I told her why not say something like, "I am so glad the weather is cool now. We will not need the AC anymore." This accomplishes the same thing. The roommate will now not use the AC and will not become combative.

Perhaps you could have been more tactful. Also, talking to your professor privately, during office hours, probably would have been better. You could say something like, "I really enjoyed the lecture today, especially about X, could you expand on this topic and tell me all that you know about it?" That way he'll be less defensive.

Lastly, was your intent to gain a better understanding or to highlight the professor's possible ignorance of certain subject matter? Maybe he perceived the latter even if it were not true.

Quote: Lastly, was your intent to gain a better understanding or to highlight the professor's possible ignorance of certain subject matter? Maybe he perceived the latter even if it were not true.

That was brought up at school. Even though I am more sensitive than I like to be, I am also known to lack empathy. (A very awkward combination!) People have told me that I'm too intense (I speak quickly and loudly, and I can suck a topic dry) Folks have been uncomfortable around me because of this, and I get the feeling that even common sayings from my mouth sound somehow harsh. I have a lot of trouble seeing why I should change that considering I still think I have a healthy social life overall.

Quote: The tact thing is important too. My girlfriend is hard on her roommate since she is the owner of the property. Her roommate used the AC when my gf thought the weather was cool enough not to warrant running the AC. So she chastised her roommate and a problem was created which then then had to tell me about. I told her why not say something like, "I am so glad the weather is cool now. We will not need the AC anymore." This accomplishes the same thing. The roommate will now not use the AC and will not become combative.

I was also advised (rather informally) to stroke the egos of those around me via self-deprecation. I don't oppose assuming that I am ignorant of something, but I don't want to go about announcing that repeatedly when it's implied in order to have venial requests granted. (Such as having something rephrased)

Tact is a good route, but I have yet to become good at it.

Quote: to highlight the professor's possible ignorance of certain subject matter?

If I could get away with doing that without getting my ass handed to me, I'd be trying that more often. I love playing the devil's advocate when I don't feel like it could cause me too much harm. [smile]

[Edited by - zyrolasting on September 18, 2010 2:07:00 AM]

Quote: Original post by signal_
For example, my brother uses the 'placate' strategy and tells people what they want to hear. I started doing this too and it reduces friction with people and keeps them more pacified and more open to persuasion and subtle manipulation.

Well, for some reason being straight (honest) what works for me. Not telling others what they want to hear. That makes me feel unpleasant. And I don't want to feel unpleasant. And I don't want to be an actor, I don't want to use tactics etc.
I tell what I want to tell but with tact.

I even told Finnish girls, that their English is annoying: the typical non-native talking: "I was ..like.. going to the pub ..you know..." For some reason (maybe it's a mental disorder of me) that annoys me very much. I told them, and voilà, the feeling was gone, and the girls didn't even feel offended at all. I could have been nice and keep my mouth shut, but that would be unpleasant. And why should I be with someone for fun (not my co-worker for example) if I feel unpleasant with the person?

Sidenote: this applies for casual interactions. For work, getting a job, doing business, the situation is different. (but I think being straight is still a good "tactic").

Quote: Original post by zyrolasting
I was also advised (rather informally) to stroke the egos of those around me via self-deprecation.

I think this is just as bad as being overtly combative; there's no need to become a jackass to effect a bearable outcome.

Quote:
If I could get away with doing that without getting my ass handed to me, I'd be trying that more often. I love playing the devil's advocate when I don't feel like it could cause me too much harm. [smile]

You get what you pay for though. Only you can tell if it's worth it.

Quote: Original post by szecs
Well, for some reason being straight (honest) what works for me. Not telling others what they want to hear. That makes me feel unpleasant. And I don't want to feel unpleasant. And I don't want to be an actor, I don't want to use tactics etc.
I tell what I want to tell but with tact.

I am with you. I was framing this stuff in a professional situation with people that are difficult to deal with, be around, or persuade. As far as other 'straight-shooters,' as the saying goes, then by all means let more of the true you into the picture.

In non-professional situations, I agree being straight, honest, and is good. Although just going out sometimes and telling people crazy things to see if they believe it is fun too. =)

Quote:
and the girls didn't even feel offended at all.

Yeah they play some crazy games. They like ambiguity, suspense, and friction (obv). Like the late, great, Richard Pryor said, "There's no such thing as bad pussy."

"They"
There's no "they". I met straight girls too, who didn't play games. Well, in the and I didn't screw them, so....

I think you probably should've just talked to your prof in private after his lecture and let him know you didn't completely understand that particular part of his lecture.

I can understand him getting slightly defensive about things when you ask him to reword it in front of the entire class...

As for whether or not you should apologize: don't. It won't make things better. It may make you feel "better", but really, it's not fixing anything. It would make you come off as needy in the eyes of everyone there (not to mention remind them of the event, when they may have forgotten about it already). You're there in that lecture to learn. You didn't understand what he was saying so you sought clarification (albeit, not in the best way). Who cares what the strangers think? Odds are they'll probably forget in 1-2 weeks anyway. When you roll into class next week just pretend like it never happened. Big deal.

Now, if you had offended a coworker, friend, relative, spouse, child, or any loved one: yeah, an apology would be a good thing to do. These are the people whose opinions of you are actually important.

In the situation you described .. you didn't really do anything wrong. Sure, the way you went about something could have been perceived as an "attack" by the other party, but you had good intentions. I think you should just chalk it up as a lesson learned in the ol' uni social handbook and let it be. :-)

If you don't feel yourself guilty-do nothing.Let they think about their own status quo themself after they said you shut up.


[Edited by - Krokhin on September 19, 2010 11:47:20 AM]

Quote: Unknown:
Apologizing: does not always mean you are wrong, and the other person is right. It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego.

So simply drop your ego off, be real, if you think you did something bad, or you were wrong, apologize. But sometimes you have to apologize even if you were right, simply to keep your relationship. It sucks and not fair, but you can't always tell that your actions were good actions, since others might see them in a different way.

I wasn't there, I don't know what you said, and what he said, and what others said. So I can't really tell you if you should or should not apologize.

Good luck by the way :)

If your initial request was polite and his response was aggressive and actually included a comment about fighting you outside.. then evaluate your reaction:

-not that big a deal (obviously not the case): forget about it, move on.. play his game, pass his class, and don't look back

-is a big deal (obviously the case here): go over his head. you have witnesses that he threatened you. i've been willing to swallow some pretty sour shit in college to make my way through without having my grade negatively impacted by my perceived attitude, but a threat would have had me gunning for his job. a real threat with witnesses couldn't be overlooked by any department at any school.

Quote: a real threat with witnesses couldn't be overlooked by any department at any school.

I doubt it would be considered a real threat. He asked me if I wanted to go out and fight him, but the class was eager (even as witnesses) to end the situation in his favor. (and may defend him) Besides, he did not get out of his desk, stamp both hands on mine and yell that he was going to toss me off a cliff. I shut my mouth before that happened. [smile]

Here's what I'm going to do come Monday:

Go in his office, and explain that I meant no disrespect. Mention that I was indeed confused, and everything rude that came out of my mouth was in defense to what felt to be a retaliation to my initial request. (Ask about how I came off to him, why that was)

Don't actually apologize unless he does, but make amends by explaining that I may have had an attitude I was not aware I was having. Assure him that I did not intend to be malicious. Do NOT request that he "show more patience" (tempted to do so, but doubt that would go well)

Thoughts?

Quote: But sometimes you have to apologize even if you were right, simply to keep your relationship. It sucks and not fair, but you can't always tell that your actions were good actions, since others might see them in a different way.

I'm with you on this one. I may end up apologizing anyway because I do not wish to be caught in the situation where I feel I must regret opening my mouth in the middle of class. (Not because the classmates don't want to hear from me, but because the teacher doesn't)