d

I have not read your full written short script. Its nice but right off the top its a similar scene from A Fist Full Of Dollars. With Clint Eastwood. 1975 or 1976 speghitti western. Director Sergio Leone. But it also can convey the normal situation of any western story. It has happened so I think you can get away with such a typical scene.

What type of western are you going for? Revenge, Texas Rangers and Robbers. Horse Thieves, Gold Robbers, Family shot and killed (This falls under the revenge category, Left for dead, Wrong man, Trying to survive from natural life and then being thrown into calamity, helping a friend, helping a few friends, someone asking for help, Cattle drive, Indian territory, Civil War,

The list goes on.

I will check out the rest of your story and help you out with some criticisim on your story. I am not a professional writer but I would like to help out in some way. Its a good start though.

Ghostknight

I agree with the Fistful of Dollars bit. After reading the excerpt, I would suggest hiding the savior, showing him ruins the suspense because its obvious he'll be saved. Maybe draw it out a bit, have the sheriff reading out a long list of crimes as Rolin smirks or something. I'll read the rest and update my thoughts.

Also Rolin? His parents never even gave him a chance :P

fff

Good start, but needs work...Maybe, something more like this?


FADE IN:

EXTERIOR - MIDDAY - INTERSECTION OF A SMALL WESTERN TOWN

A crowd gathers as a man on horseback is being led to the trunk of a dry weathered tree.


SHERIFF - short in stature, square of jaw. Carries a small FOOTSTOOL while leading the horse.


SHERIFF -(to the gathering crowd) "Make way. Make way!"


Mirmers ripple through the crowd, reaction seems mixed to the event being played out.

VOICE FROM THE CROWD - "HANG HIM!"
ANOTHER VOICE FROM THE CROWD - "This isn't justice!"




SHERIFF arrives at trunk of the tree. There is a noose hanging from a stout TREE BRANCH above. SHERIFF mounts the FOOTSTOOL and focuses to the man on the horse.

ROLIN PAYNE - Bareback on the horse, hands bound behind his back. Disheveled and rather aloof. Wearing his sun bleached duster with a clear outline where a badge long hung.

SHERIFF - (to emotionless ROLIN) "Relax...The Doc says this shouldn't hurt a bit."

SHERIFF ties the noose around ROLIN'S neck and turns to face the crowd.




SHERIFF - (clears throat) "Today we carry out the scentence of this here condemmed man. Rolin Payne may have been friend to some and..."

CROWD grows restless. ROLIN scans through the faces, spots one.

HANK - Dapper yet wiry. Better dresser than most frontier men. Dangerious edge beneath a layer of civility.

ROLIN locks eyes with HANK.

ANOTHER VOICE FROM THE CROWD - "He was framed!"



SHERIFF - (to crowd) "Quiet down!...The condemmed has been convicted of murder..."

HANK gives ROLIN a sly smile that could be taken as sinster. Winks, then turns walking away while wistleing Dixie to himself.

SHERIFF - (continueing) "bank robbery, train robbery...And has been scentenced to hung until dead..."

CROWD stirs again, rumors and debate percolate.

SHERIFF - "Quiet!..." (then to ROLIN)"Do you have any last words Mr. Payne?..."




ROLIN takes a moment, looks up as if in thought. Squints at the midday sun through the tree. Then addresses the sheriff.

ROLIN - (wryly)"...Well deputy"
SHERIFF - (unhinged cutting ROLIN off)"THAT'S SHERIFF TO YOU MISTER!..." (to the CROWD) " See this!...I have his badge now! I have it! Remember that!"

CROWD agitated but eventualy simmers down. ROLIN continues.

ROLIN - (quietly with knowing irony)"...Well...This might be a good day to die."

CROWD is unmoved. SHERIFF steps from the FOOTSTOOL.




SHERIFF - (addressing all formaly)"Then, by the powers invested in me. I henceforth carry out the scentence on the condemmed Mr. Payne."



SHERIFF whips the horse as the CROWD'S excitement peaks.

There is a loud crack as the horse takes off. The noose around ROLINS neck pulls down the TREE BRANCH attached to it. SHERIFF is knocked from his feet; as the horse, ROLIN, noose, and TREE BRANCH race away into the awaiting desert.




SCENE CONTINUES IN SMALL ADJACENT ALLEYWAY BETWEEN NEARBY BUILDINGS.


HANK mounts a horse of his own as ROLIN races down the main roadway dragging the TREE BRANCH.

HANK - (laughing to himself) "Hot Damn! Rolin, we did it this time!"

HANK produces a small HAND SAW from his jacket, and flicks it aside. Then races off after ROLIN, useing the town buildings as cover from the CROWD and the very peeved SHERIFF.

SHERIFF - (to offscreen ROLIN) "Run while you can, Payne. One day you will get what’s coming to you."



Could use a rewrite or two. I tried to inject a little character into...well the characters. Rolin, Sheriff, and Hank are the obvious ones...but the crowd can be a character too.

[Edited by - MSW on May 2, 2010 8:04:31 PM]

Hi Zak,

Yeah sorry about that. When I typed the last message that was teh image that came to me about the Fist Full of Dollars. My Bad.

I am about to read the rest of your storyline as of now and get back to you on another day.

I love western stories though.

One thing for sure Zak,

Keep the Shaman part into your story. That was good. Made me laugh. Everything else is quite good as well. Keep up the ideas. I don't have anything as of yet to help you out on. I know itdoes sound disappointing. But I assure you its not. Let me know if you have any idea or suggestions you would like to talk about for your story.

Oh the title to your story. I do hope that is just a play on words right? Your story title needs work. I can help you out with that if you would like.

Your dialogue is detailed just enough to convie the readers interests. There is a part like the jail cell sequence. It reminds me of the Video Game called Gun for the PS2. Well its similar in the way to where when Franklin asks Rolin after getting out of the jail cell to find some TNT. I know its sounds alike etc etc. Its another thing that came to me that recognizes simularities. There isn't much you can do for that part anyways. Maybe there is. But then everything will go back to finding the key on the Sheriff's desk or home or having some help from friends outside waiting to help out with the second jail cell.

Well see I just thought of something. After the jail break are you going for action sequence style where Rolin blows the second cell away with TNT and the have everyone come after Rolin? Or change the sequence with a stealth mode and then blow the second cell away as a decoy while everyone is away from the small town or at least a few hundred yards away and then Discharge the TNT. As everyone (meaning Rolin, Hank, and Franklin get away on their horses) the towns people rush to the explosion?

So there is a way to add or change your scene from something else that the players thinks will happen but which doesn't happen from previous games or western stories. Like a change up in baseball. You can use that idea for the mystery part. How did Rolin and his two accomplices get out of jail. Just a thought.

Ghostknight

Wasn't hanging people from trees something outlaws and lynch mobs did? Wouldn't a town that was executing a convict hang him from the town gallows?

And then considering that, an escape from town could be more daring especially with a shooter (HANK) taking shots into the crowd. Complete bedlam.

Yes, a town would use a gallows. A tree would only make sense out on the trail in which case the witnesses would be the posse that caught the accused.

To me the name Rolin doesn't sound like a name from the wild west. He'd more likely be named Roslin and have a chip on his shoulder from having a girls name. Or he'd be named Rowland or Roland or Rollins or Rawlins. Old west names are usually taken from the Bible or from British or French or Spanish royalty. Don't forget that the land from Texas to California still belonged to Mexico in 1840, and didn't change all that much by the 1880s. Something worth bearing in mind.

MSW - I think your sheriff is too wordy. He should grunt more.

SHERIFF - (to emotionless ROLIN) "Relax...The Doc says this shouldn't hurt a bit."

How about: "Relax,... this won't hurt a bit."

Remember, it gets very hot out in the west, so hot that people in general don't want to put much energy into long sentences. Only judges and assorted other fancy pants would bother using extra words. This was Eastwood's keen insight into his character in "A Fistful of Dollars". It's also somewhat true of Sanjuro in Yojimbo.

Here are a few additional movie references.

Hang 'Em High
High Plains Drifter
The Hanging Tree
The Ox-Bow Incident
Bad Day at Black Rock
The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean
The Far Country
The Furies

Quote:

Original post by LessBread MSW - I think your sheriff is too wordy. He should grunt more. SHERIFF - (to emotionless ROLIN) "Relax...The Doc says this shouldn't hurt a bit." How about: "Relax,... this won't hurt a bit." Remember, it gets very hot out in the west, so hot that people in general don't want to put much energy into long sentences. Only judges and assorted other fancy pants would bother using extra words. This was Eastwood's keen insight into his character in "A Fistful of Dollars". It's also somewhat true of Sanjuro in Yojimbo.

Duly noted - But I wrote it that way to give the sheriff some character. Point of that line of dialog wasn't exactly what the Sheriff says, but that he wasn't takeing credit for such words of comfort...a subtle insult, if you will.