When I was younger, friendship was easy, but it's gotten harder. I wouldn't say that I'm socially inept, and I actually think I'm a pretty personable guy, from an inward perspective. For some reason, though, I have trouble making substantial friendships. Superficial relationships are plentiful, but I rarely find someone to do things with outside of school. What do I do about it? [Edited by - anothrguitarist on April 17, 2009 1:51:34 AM]

Quote: Original post by anothrguitarist
I rarely find someone to do things with outside of school.

How about the reverse: start doing something outside school first, where you then will meet other people? Join a sports club, start a band, take dancing lessons, do a course, whatever you're into.

The best advice I could give is to make sure that you are and that you are being the most attractive person you can be.

There are four ways that people make impressions of others: 1)how you look 2)what you do 3)what you say and 4)how you are saying it. These impressions can be interpreted on a character level and on a personality level. In other words, on a level that is based on character or on a level that is based on superficiality.

My advice is too focus on the character level. If you are right at your core, everything else will follow suit, i.e. your personality.

This is a very vast topic. Indeed, there are many consulting, counseling and coaching firms out there that do nothing more than teach some of these principles to executives and laymen full-time. Not too mention the thousands of books that cover the topics of personality type, laws of attraction, self-improvement, self-awareness, etc. etc.

I see that you are interested in improving yourself simply by the fact that you created this topic. From here, you're success with people and building meaningful friendships will be dependant on how much you educate yourself and consquently how much you choose to apply.

I would recommend starting off with the legendary "7 Habits of Highy Effective People" by Covey, then take a peek at "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Carnegie. The former builds a foundation for the latter to flourish.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

Just be yourself and treat other people with basic respect. It doesn't mean you you need to kiss anyone's ass, just treat them how you'd want to be treated. Typically, you get what you give. Don't worry if not everyone likes you. It's far better to be yourself and attract people who can handle the real authentic you, than it is to be fake and have lots of friends who would not like you if they found out what you're actually like.

That being said, what Wanmaster said is sound advice. Get involved in some things that you enjoy (I took martial arts for many years and met a lot of people through that). Over time, some people there will probably become friends. Keep in mind, too, that friendship takes time. Be patient. Best wishes!

anothrguitarist, have you ever actually asked any of your school friends if they'd like to go see a movie or play a game of golf or whatever? It's possible that they just don't realize you're interested in hanging out outside of school. Also, school (as in taking classes together) isn't really the best way to build relationships except in a few rare cases. It's really the stuff that people do together outside of formal business (like work or school) that forms lasting relationships.

I wish you the best! [smile]

[Edited by - nilkn on April 20, 2009 8:41:35 PM]

I kind of know what you're feeling. Most, if not all, of my friends prior to two years ago were all stoners (yes, I was a stoner). And I had plenty of friends. Then, I stopped smoking weed and I lost all but one friend (who's actually in jail err), but anyway, I've found it hard to make any good, new friendships. What I face is all of the people who I see as potential friends already have their own clique which I can't seem to work my way into. (And I'm a more introverted person myself so I'm not going to go crashing any shindigs or anything).

Sorry I don't have much advice but just look ahead. You'll meet a lot of new people in college. Maybe find yourself a girlfriend. My girlfriend is not only, well, my girlfriend but she's also probably the best friend I've ever had.

Hope things work out.

Good advice and thanks for the encouragement.

Actually, I had the most fun weekend in a long time the last couple of days. One of my friends got tickets to the Long Beach Gran Prix. It was awesome, especially the Tecate girls.

Quote: Original post by redfella
The best advice I could give is to make sure that you are and that you are being the most attractive person you can be.

This is a very vast topic. Indeed, there are many consulting, counseling and coaching firms out there that do nothing more than teach some of these principles to executives and laymen full-time. Not too mention the thousands of books that cover the topics of personality type, laws of attraction, self-improvement, self-awareness, etc. etc.

I see that you are interested in improving yourself simply by the fact that you created this topic. From here, you're success with people and building meaningful friendships will be dependant on how much you educate yourself and consquently how much you choose to apply.

Hi.

Hopefully I'm posting in order and not seen as infriging, but I've got a few things to say about this.

1. redfella is completely right in what he said about this subject (didn't use whole quote- too long). It's good that you want to find out more about yourself and improve on what is already there. Knowing that you wish to do so is a well-made step to becoming the best to yourself that is possible (Hopefully I worded correctly).

2. There are different people from different backgrounds: personal, social, academic, work or otherwise. Everyone - and I mean everyone - is different in their own way. Some people are your hardcore party/club goers. Some are your artsy Cool Cat/Bohemian guys who are interested in high culture (e.g. art museums, coffee houses and theatre). Some are even your standard computer/technology nerd/geek, which (I'm taking an educated guess here) is what many of the members of the GameDev.net and other computers forums are. Don't ever beat yourself up about the fact that you may "not be able to" do something with others outside of academic life (bad road and I should know, I've been down it. It's is never true with genuine people in the world that you meet). If the people you hang out with inside your educational establishment (I'm guessing it is High School, right?) don't have interests that allow you do something with them socially, then do as WanMaster advised. It's better than "sulking" and procrastinating about it.

3. Remember that you are never ever (at least in my experience) going to find someone that is the exact mix of features (personality or otherwise) that would make the best friends for you. The best kind of friendship rings to make are - I think - ones that are ecceletic. That is to say people from as many walks of life as possible. It's one of the most tried and tested techniques of humans for many aeons and built naturally within us to explore and find others outside of our own personality comfortability. By doing this, you are more likely to make friends that stand the test of time and will appreciate you (most of the time- it's impossible to avoid the occsional argument. Without them, friendships are oddly boring *pauses for thought*).

Just remember who you are, where you came from, what you are like and what you want to do in life. You'll succeed and eventually find and habour a pleasant friendship/close acquaintanceship. Hopefully I worded that as helpfully as possbile. Good luck anothrguitarist!

Original post by redfella
The best advice I could give is to make sure that you are and that you are being the most attractive person you can be.

Nah...just join a LARP.

No need to change you. Just change your surroundings. Go to a LARP event.

No matter how much of a loser you are, there will be at least 10 people there who are 10 times the loser you'll ever be...they'll be dying for friends! ;-)

All joking aside, seriously, check out a LARP. Even if you've never role-played even once. Even if the idea sounds queerer than a $2 bill. If you hate it (and you probably will), no harm, no foul.

However, if you like it, you can make some *very* strong friendships there. There is something about the psyche of a LARPer that allows them to create strong bonds with people very easily. They can look past *anyhing*, and see a person for what they really are inside.

I guess they have to in order to be able to look in a mirror. ;-)

Rhino
- LARPer for 10 years and counting

P.S. But don't go to a Furry Convention...those people are just...*weird*. ;-P

Take up playing Paintball.

Nothing says "Hi, want to be my friend!?" like a ball of wax and paint traveling at 300km/h hitting a face mask!