Part one. It starts off dark. Black. As if the game loading is interminable. Suddenly a bright light fills your vision and a scream urgeing you into action. "Train!" You awake with a jolt. There are two figures standing over you, blinding you with thier flashlights. You can make out thier barely muffled laughter as they identify themselves as police officers. You must have fallen asleep, loungeing in this oversized chair...waiting for something. "Sorry about that. Its an old trick to sober up drunks." One of the officers says. "...Is this yours?" He reaches for a wallet, you assume it fell from your possesion in the rude jolt to conciousness. "..Um...Yeah...I guess." You stammer, not sure if you are really awake or not. Not sure of where you are. Not sure of anything. The officer whistles, pageing through the wallet. "So you are FBI?" "huh?...Yeah...Um...Where am I?" A new voice enters the room. Pretty. Young. Female. "Mr. Dee, They are ready to see you now." The officer hands you the wallet, and they both step aside. "Sorry for the inconvience sir." You arise, wallet in hand, the other instinctively grabbing the overcoat that had laied to your side. "Follow me." The female voice guides you. but in you first steps, somthing has fallen from the wallet in your hand. Its a photo. One of the officers scoops it up. "This your wife? And daughter?" You take the photo from his hands. Glanceing at it reviels a woman holding the child. "..Yeah." You quickly place the photo back into the wallet and the wallet back into your coat pocket. "Well they are beautiful, your a lucky man, take care of them." You sence the officer is beaming under the dull lighting of the room. Pretty young female takes your charge. Leads you down a maze of hallways. At last deposits you before a doorway, motioning you to continue alone. You open the door. "Ah, Frank Dee. Come in and have a seat." Its a booming voice, and oddity, comeing from a silver haired wrinkled man in a pressed suit. This room, office, is abuzz with activity. You can't count the worker bees zooming about. But you surf to a chair. from behind a desk the silver hair circles about. "Mr. Dee, we haven't much time." a worker bee approches, bundles of files in hand. "So you want a promotion." The silver hair booms. "For three years you have been one of our top driving instructors." His eyes cold and steady. "What makes you think you are cut out for undercover work?" "Sir, our window of oppertunity is rapidly closeing." a bee interupts. "...Fine!" Sliver hair is aggitated. "...Mr Dee, we are preparied to offer you a hell of an oppertunity. Will you accept?" For a moment your mind recalls the photo...the woman...the child...the beaming officer. Take care of them, he said. "...ah...yeah." You barely exhale and the office becomes a cyclone of activity. "Excellent! Welcome to project Pavement!" Now the silver hair beams. "Have you ever heard of El Driver?" A worker bee inquires. "He is the most infamous escape driver in history. Once even driveing a RV full of bank robbers from Paris all the way to Bankok with Interpol in hot pursuit. However he is very elusive, we don't even know what he looks like. He vanished five years ago, possably in hideing, no one knows what happened to him." "Your job will be to go undercover as El Driver." Silver hair injects. Another bee approches. "Three days ago we uncovered a job opening in the St. Louis Post Dispach. We believe this was to lure El Driver into joining a criminal organization known as the Industry." "You will infiltraite the Industry and secure knowledge of what they are planning." Silver hair turns sour. "The Industry is very dangerious, I'm not even sure you are cut out for this line of work." "Is this him?" A new voice cuts the air. She is a middle aged stump of a woman with a fiesty look in her eye. "Rose here will be your contact and escort." Silver hair motions. "She is a top agent in this line of work, do your best not to let her down." "Alright." Rose snaps "We have to get this fella all smarted up. He meets with the Industry in an hour!" Following a whirl wind of activity, you find yourself cleaned up in a change of clothes, seated in a taxi driven by Rose. "Alright, what did you learn of El Driver?" She prompts. "..Um..He is believed to be Egyption, but can pass for caucasion. He can drive most any vehical, but prefers motorcycles. And his signature is installing a neckerknob on get away vehicals." you recall. "Very good. And what is known of the Industry?" "Unknown number of members but seems to be lead by three individuals. Known by the code names Producer, Director, and Writer. Its unknown exactly what they are, but believed to have links to terrorist and even treasonous defense contractors." you snap back, suprised by your resolution. "Yes, they be the bad guys." Rose muses. "You got family?" "Um..." you instinctivly produce the photo from your wallet. "Very nice. Your daughter looks charming." Rose inspects the photo. "Here is my contact number." She turns the photo over and starts writeing. "Gimme your wallet." She slips the photo into a waiting wallet and passes it back in trade to you. "Don't want the bad guys to see your FBI ID, now do ya?" "No ma'm." the weight of the situation presses upon you. "Honey, keep your head on strait. relax. And it will all be over soon enough." Rose emotes. "Just call me if things get too hot...Okay?" You nod, and the car pulls to a stop at the curb. "Okay, the garage from the job opening advertisement is three blocks back. Remember to ask for Toni." Rose exits the car. It is still running. "Now get up here and take the wheel." Before you are out the rear car door, Rose is halway down the block. You take the drivers seat, and an extrea deep breath. There is a job to do, the road lays before you. But you are still unsure of what is really happening. unsure of where you are. Unsure of who you are. ~to be continued. Action game with a strong story unlike any other.

I love the dialog.(sp?) Unfortunately..the story didn't seem to catch me. Mostly the names of the main character and supposed antagonist. Mr. Dee? El Driver? Seemed kinda corny to me.Also it revolving around an escape driver doesn't shout dangerous to me. All I can say is, work on the story a little more, and keep to that great dialog. What really got me was that I could easily picture say the cop beaming when he looked at the photo.

Hope it wasn't too harsh.

-Pope

Thanks! This is obviously still a bit rough. This in essence is the exposistion scene. But only the first part of three scenes setting up the game proper. This is basicly to explain the main plot hook while setting up many future plot twists. Every detail is important and ties into the overall theme...Even the names are ment to evoke certain links that may or may not exist.

Yeah, its a mystery...But I will say part of this story was inspired by a movie called the Game. (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) there is far more going on than it first seems.

I agree with The_Pope in that this didn't have much of a hook to it. To me, it just went to quickly. Try to slow it down a little and add some more detail.

The Game was an amazing movie. If you can pull that style into the gaming genre, it would be amazing. Good luck.

Also, what is a 'kneckerknob'?

A nice opening story. However, I kept thinking: "How is he gonna represent this in a game?". There are quite a few parts in that text that I don't really see a way of presenting in a cutscene without some kind of narrator. On the other hand, I don't think a narrator would fit well with that style of story telling.

Use your medium. I think you approached the story telling side too much with written text in mind, not really considering the fact that you are not writing a novel and that your text should be transferred to a cutscene or even an interactive cutscene.

For example:

Quote:
"You must have fallen asleep, loungeing in this oversized chair...waiting for something."

Without a narrator telling me this I might easily think I was arrested and am being interrogated.

Quote:
"...you assume it fell from your possesion in the rude jolt to conciousness."

Unless an out of place narrator tells this to the player they might as well assume the cops stripped them of their possessions.

Quote:
You sence the officer is beaming under the dull lighting of the room.

You might be able to solve this with some camera angles but I think it might feel awkward.


Those might be small examples but I think those sentences bring a lot to the atmosphere you were going for.

Yeah, it does feel pretty rushed. I was trying to avoid verbose detail describeing how the player character jolts awake, knocking his coat about and the wallet onto the floor. And the notation of the player being confused and unsure are ment more for animators as a guide to his body language and facial expressions. Ment more to give readers the feeling of what the character is to be expressing. Also the full faces of the officers are never to be shown in this scene, always hidden behind the glare of flashlights or partialy cropped out of frame.

Its my own self editing, to keep this brief and to the point...without haveing to read through a obtusely long post full of largely unneccisary detail. There are to be a few interactive parts in this scene (and the two that follow), acting in a way as a tutorial.

Neckerknob is http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brodie_knob

Anyway...Part two:

(starts with a mini tutorial in driveing around)

You wheel the taxi down the street finding the automotive repair garage you seek. Its a old worn multi floored building surrounded by clones. This is an old part of town full of unsavory residents.

Outside a portly latino approches, clipboard in hand. "Whats the problem with the car?"

"I'm here to see Toni, about a job." You respond.

The fellow looks about for a second then yells to unseen workers inside. "Hey Toni, you got another one!". He guides you to pull the car inside. "Put it on rack number 4 in the corner."

You do as he says, takeing note of the buisy garage. Finding the rack, you stop the car and start to get out.

Big hands on a big man suddenly shut the door stopping you. "Naw man, you put it on the rack yourself."

"..But...Im just here for the job, the car is fine."

Big man rolls his eyes. "This is just how its gonna work. You ain't makeing trouble now are you?"

You resentfuly comply, unsure of what to expect. But before you come to a complete stop on the rack, big man jabs a lever and you start to rise. "Good luck, senior!" and he marches off to areas unknown.

Up and up the rack takes you. And just when it seems it might crush the taxi, the ceiling parts opening onto the floor above.

Its a different world on the second floor, free of the dirt and grime of the garage below. From the taxi you can see a collection of polished exotic cars parked perfectly on the polished second story floor.

"El Driver?" A figure approches. Polished pressed suit. Fire engine hair. Tan. Healthy and strong. He opens the door for you. "Pleased you could join us."

You exit and start to gain confidence.

"Sorry for that bit of deception. But surely you understand its needed in our line of work." He motions you onward.

"Ah! its the man of the hour!" A large voice booms from the sea of exotic cars. "This is history in the makeing! We are huge fans of your work." The voice comes from a even larger man wearing a loud shirt. And louder hair pulled back in a ponytail. "Allow me to introduce myself, you can call me the Director."

"And I'm known as the Producer." the fire engine haired man injects.

"I see, thank you for inviteing me." There is an easyness to your voice.

The Director quickly approches. "I can do more than invite, in fact I bear a gift for you."

"Thank you...But I'm uncertain of what you require of my particular services." Neither of these two guys are what you expected.

"All in due time. But first I will give you one of my prized vehicals. Take your pick of any one of them." The Director gesters beamingly to the exotic machines parked about.

There are Ferraris, Lamborghinis, Porsches. Rare. Beautiful. Expensive.

Maybe this is a test you muse as you glance about. Your nerve starts to give out. But parked next to a McLaren supercar is a shiney Ducati.

"Hmm...Not much of a choice. I'll take that bike." You point to the red ride.


Suddenly the mood of your hosts change.

"Dammit! Not another one!" the Director starts paceing about.

As if by magic trick the fire engine haired fellow known as the Producer swiftly grows gold plated semi-auto .45s from his coat sleeves. He is perched as a snake ready to strike.

"We will just have to add him to the casting call" the Director concludes.

With that the world turns black as the Producer strikes a powerful blow to the back of your head with the grip of a gun.

~to be continued