I wrote this the other day in order to get a clear picture of the story I want to go with. I'm looking for both positive and negative criticism of the story idea, not my writing. I have left the setting and names out, as these are still to be determined. From here I'll get that done and then come up with exactly how it all plays out. As for now, I'd just like to know what you guys think. :) :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Title: Snow Setting the Stage: {{Snowy environment, of course.}} There are two civilizations , too different to coexist happily. One is viewed as "barbaric," though they are truly noble and wise. They are great explorers, and have an understanding of the scope of their world. These war-like and nomadic people have ventured to the farthest reaches of their world. As a whole, the people cling to their old gods, the only purpose in life being a glorious death. Unfortunately, this has produced an underlying sense of nihilism. Rather than try to advance themselves, they feel that they have seen all that there is to see. As individuals, they are unsure of everything. Life holds little meaning, their religious beliefs are hollow. Religion holds them back, primal urges are all that is left to compel them. They are confused, lost, and lashing out violently. Returning to an old temporary settlement, they stumble upon the newcomers. The other civilization has just been discovered by the [[group mentioned above]]. Exiled from their homeland for delving into forbidden studies, this group is proud and stubborn. They have quickly developed in their new home, building up a grand city. Their arrogance has led them to the belief that they are omnipotent. Their intelligence and technological prowess is clear, but ultimately superficial. Their city is a spectacle of self-love and debauchery. Hedonism describes more than just their lifestyle: it is reflected in their admittedly beautiful architecture and brilliant advancements that seem to revolve around pleasure and convenience. They have great knowledge, but a dangerous lack of understanding. Roughly 10 years after establishing their civilization, research outposts start dropping out of contact. Scouts sent to investigate these events never return. Residents of the outskirts begin flocking to the city. Tales surface of phantoms, undying fire, and horrific beasts. These horror stories are told in hushed whispers. There is an atmosphere of tension; the people don't know what to believe. The [[first group]] is outraged by the [[second group's]] intrusion on what they consider to be their land. [[second group]] is terrified and paranoid. As is expected of those who love themselves more than anything else, they are on the brink of destroying everything that might potentially harm them, friend or foe. The [[first group]] will either relinquish the land and set sail, or allow their anger to compel them to fight. If they turn away, the [[second group]] will eventually self-destruct, the result of mass hysteria and paranoia. If the [[first group]] attacks, the [[second group]] will have a tangible enemy to focus on, producing a sense of unity and optimism. Unfortunately, they are not experienced in warfare, have a limited population, and only one city to defend themselves in. No matter what happens, blood will be shed. :::::::::::THE CHARACTER:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: He left the homeland of [[group two]] decades before, seeking "enlightenment" and greater knowledge. He was a brilliant man, well educated... but he seemed to have learned all that he could learn. He had become disenchanted with the life laid out before him, despising the idea of living only for possessions and dissatisfied with his peers. Above all, he became disgusted with the complacent ignorance of the people around him. Setting out on a journey with no destination, he eventually ended up staying at a tavern in a small village, working for the owner. Angry at himself for essentially getting nowhere, he struggled to care about anything at all. But, working at the Tavern afforded him interesting opportunities. He dealt with people all the time, and soon learned how to make people trust him and tell him their secrets. He felt powerful, for the first time in his life. He quickly developed a skill for manipulating people, figuring out many methods of dominance and suggestion. One busy night, he decided to try something he'd been pondering for a few weeks. He found a suitable target and talked to him for a few minutes. Following this conversation, the man got up, smashed his bottle, and began wildly slashing at a nearby patron. Within seconds, he had been tackled and dragged out into the square. All the while, he was screaming "TRAITOR!!" at the very top of his lungs. Our main character felt a surge of adrenaline: he had caused quite the stir... {Decades Later} He had left the tavern the next morning. For years, he traveled around the world, amassing unrivaled knowledge. Everything from the latest in medicine, to the most ancient and darkest secrets of the occult. He had moved far beyond the mental tricks he learned in the tavern. Eventually, he could only see people as pawns in his twisted games. How could he love? How could he feel compassion? He could not. Irritated by everyone around him, viewing them as inferiors, he set off for the most remote place he could find. This took him to the setting of the game, living in a small complex. :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::PLOT::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: The character knows of the imminent conflict. He sees it as a great opportunity to employ all of his knowledge, test everything he has been developing, and the greatest challenge he will ever face. He will get the civilizations to destroy each other.

Have to say that this description of the two groups' personalities doesn't ring true to me. How do you define noble and wise? Isn't being noble and wise contradictory with being confused and lashing out violently? Intelligence and technology can't be completely superficial because the one enables and the other requires understanding of the world. Civilizations that are innovative are not the ones that usually self-destruct. Why is it inevitable that blood be shed? Perhaps I have my own biases, being a pacifist hedonist who loves technology and innovation, but the characterization of these two cultures seems biased and unrealistic to me.

Thanks for your reply. :)

"Isn't being noble and wise contradictory with being confused and lashing out violently?"

Eh, true. I am trying to show the contradictory nature of humans: for example, a person can be a "terrorist" or a "freedom fighter," a psychopath or a loyal lover. Perhaps I've missed the mark here.

On the note of the superficial intelligence: this is something I see all over the place. There are plenty of well-educated and successful people who couldn't provide insight concerning something they weren't taught.

With these things in mind, I suppose I'll have to rework this all a bit. :-/

Hey I think this is pretty good.

I'm going to turn on the English Major Word Machine that I keep in the back of my wallet for essays, but I'll try to use it as little as possible. As always, scroll down for the Short, Short, Short if you're in a rush.


I'm getting some vibes as to what this story is actually about. There's the people in it, but it seems like it lends itself to a redemption sort of plot involving the MC. Doesn't care about people, then he sees that in a twisted sort of way he has to get them to kill each other in order to help the majority of them survive and in the process comes to love again and all that jazz.

That may or may not be what you had in mind, I'm just reading between the lines on it.


I personally don't particularly care for snow because it's cold, and that's actually pretty convenient because I live southwest of Houston. The cold is a real inhospitable place, and there's no water to drink anywhere unless you can get a fire going to melt the ice. Also without a fire you could freeze to death, and there's no way to cook food. So there's already a lot of tension in the environment, because anyone who lives there has to carve out an existence.

It's a good juxtaposition of different facets of humanity with the two people groups. One is barbaric and yet despite their apparent barbarism they're trying to aspire to something greater than a base existence. The other has done a lot of things, and yet at the same time doesn't know the implications. And the two need each other. If they could be at peace they would work, but probably they'll fight over land that both sides have lived on before.

Then you've got the guy who feels alienated from the rest of the group and he gives up on them, leaving in disgust and wanders as far away as he can. And then, thinking of himself as higher than others, he ultimately learns to do things that prove to him he really is above the rest and he tries to play god by destroying everyone.


Why does he want to kill them all? If he hates the hedonism of his homeland I get that, but when does he learn about the nomads? Is he trying to save (some/most)them by making them fight, or does he really want them all to die? Or does he want to break the world down enough so it has a chance to start over?


I don't think it's explained in enough detail to give too much negative criticism, and at the same time, that means that although I like what I'm seeing now, it won't be exactly the same when it's more detailed. But I do like it, it looks fresh to me. I say

Short, Short, Short
thumbs up.

"Why does he want to kill them all? If he hates the hedonism of his homeland I get that, but when does he learn about the nomads? Is he trying to save (some/most)them by making them fight, or does he really want them all to die? Or does he want to break the world down enough so it has a chance to start over?"

This gets me too.
I've essentially created a villain as the Main Character. My plan for how this will play out is fluid at this point. Currently I'm leaning toward the idea that he honestly sees the people as toys. This character isn't really a "good guy." That might make some players uncomfortable, but I think it gives a perfect perspective. Going between the two civilizations, the player should begin to see the attributes that I outlined in the story (since they obviously won't be reading it, those things will become apparent during play).

I want to develop the game in such a way that when the player begins understanding the natures of the two civilizations, the next steps will become clear.

As pointed out by sunandshadow, I need to revise my descriptions of the civilizations. Zandor6017, you seemed to really pick up on what I'm going for. I just need to make sure that since I've put "human nature" under the microscope, I'm giving an accurate representation.

I actually think having a villain as the protagonist is brilliant. if the player ultimately wins and destroys civilizations, the player will be left wondering if he had done the right thing. this game could invoke a lot of emotions in the player, which is always a bonus in gaming.
however, there should be something more at the end. his entire goal can't be, kill everyone. he has to have a goal for the future. new world order? better humans? new icecream flavors? something that would drastically alter the current state of society.

My belief is that when a person is two apparently contradictory, things these usually have a single underlying cause. For example the psychopath and loyal lover - psychopathies usually have a trigger such as a past traumatic experience with a particular type of person. If the psycho is terrified of one type of person, he may also strongly want to protect other people from them, or be subconsciously grateful to other people for not being terrifying, or hero-worship someone who gave him some important tool to protect himself against the type of people he is terrified of. So perhaps a man with a phobia of germs, blood, and all things fleshly might be the loyal lover of an android woman, or a man with a phobia of 'dirty dark-skinned peasants' might fall madly in love with an albino woman.

The anime/manga Death Note is a great example about how to do a villain as protagonist - or rather, an ambiguous protagonist and antagonist, each of whom sees the other as the villain. The protagonist is Light Yagami, who is a noble serial killer who has the idealistic goal of creating a new world without crime, and the antagonist is L the world's greatest detective, who isn't interested in justice, works with criminals, and wants to catch Light for the thrill of the chase and to prove that he is smarter than Light. Now, which of these characters is the villain? They both have strong reasons to like them and strong reasons to dislike them. And for added value there is an intense ambiguous relationship between them that - they respect each other as opponents, they have a great deal in common, they are trapped together for a while - the author chose to go the 'best friends honor-bound to kill each other' direction but it would have been even stronger as a romance.