Quote: Original post by Oluseyi
You all read like pulp writers. Or bad science fiction authors.

One of the reasons for this exercise is to help people improve their writing ability. If you think you can do better, then feel free to demonstrate.

Lost in her own little world, Natasha, whos cheeks were red from a cold virus, admired the coin through the window. Everything about it seemed perfect. She could see it plainly in her head: the seemingly perfect circle, fakking, and the sound that it made upon hitting the ground. It really was a beautiful coin. She thought about what it could have been spent on when it was fresh from the mint. Did a little girl save a starving man's life with it? Did a President put it in his shoe? What made it so special that it was so proudly displayed in the glass case? She pondered this still as she slowly returned to her home, still sick and still red with fever, she was was now also green with envy.

Natasha awoke with a pounding headache, like a circus elephant doing bellyflops into her brain matter. It was a new sensation, so she immediately figured it must be a tumor. She got up carefully, but no matter how slowly she moved, the pain remained. She put on her left shoe, but she could not find her right one. She gave up and took the left shoe off. She put on her flipflops instead. She had never lost a shoe before. She was sure it was a tumor.

She tried to eat, but every bite was like a nail being driven further into her skull. She turned on the TV and the drone of it somehow made her feel at ease. The newsman was saying something about a virus, it was breaking news, but his voice just shrank down to nothing. She gave up on the TV as well and figured a bit of fresh air would do her good.

She looked down from her third story window and saw chaos. A circle of red flaming cars left her breathless. She saw two cars heading towards each other and knew a crash was coming. She looked intently, and when they collided, she didn't hear a sound. She was sure it was a tumor, but then she remembered the news report. She dropped a coin onto her floor to make sure. Not a sound. Her headache suddenly got worse. And she gave up for the last time. She could not even hear her body falling through the sky, but she felt it, and she was relieved.

This is the first time I've written fiction outside of school, so I definitly need practice :).

Natasha was lost, she had missed her window; how much farther had she gone? One? Two? The circle was closing in, like a virus, and all natasha could think about was the sound of falling rain. Red rain. Natasha gripped her coin tightly. She was a shoe, and shoes could be replaced.

A large round golden coin slowly rolled down a slight dip on a sidewalk, it's smooth circular face reflected the mid day sun. The rolling coin came to a sudden stop when it bumped into the shoe of a pedestrian sending the coin falling over onto its side. A begger with shoulder length red hair named Natasha quickly ran out onto the side walk and snached up the coin from the ground. She returned to her ally and became lost in the beauty of the gold coin within her hands, she became oblivious to the virus she held with-in her body as the sound of distant footsteps faded away into nothing. The longer she looked into the coin it became more and more a window into her future and no longer just a gold coin.

[Edited by - kyokai on June 24, 2006 11:00:16 PM]

Quote: Original post by googlyeyes
This is the first time I've written fiction outside of school, so I definitly need practice :).

Natasha was lost, she had missed her window; how much farther had she gone? One? Two? The circle was closing in, like a virus, and all natasha could think about was the sound of falling rain. Red rain. Natasha gripped her coin tightly. She was a shoe, and shoes could be replaced.

This one gets my vote. Most of ours have featured some truly clumsy transitions, but you've managed to write at least as well as many of the others in only two or three lines. The shoe bit is a tad awkward, but the point really came across to me perfectly.

Okay, I tried to write this the original way, so here it is:

Sea and co, in Amsterdam is specialized in fish. "oe," said Cir. "Clever! How did you come up with this, savir?" "Us was given the idea," said Savir, with a yoda-like voice, to Nat. "Ashamed you should be, because you have the Splinter Cell OST!"

Then the leaves from the trees were blown away by then wind. Owyn, from TES oblivion (yes, the redguard) said: "So so! Under my bed is a monster since it was fall in germany."

- Stenny

P.S. Yes, before you guys ask. All the words áre in there!