Prologue EALDUSK, the source of all living, however, all creatures will also cease to exist on this very planet. No one knows the answer, no one knows why and how the living is brought upon the planet, they just live day by day, night by night. It doesn’t matter whether you belong to either sides of the planet, you will cease to exist. Chapter 1 : Tera, the curious boy Tera, a 15 year old boy, is always in doubt, always. No matter what he does, he expects a reason for it. The question “Why and how do we exist?” has crossed his mind thousands of times, however, none of the villagers seem to even have the slightest clue to the answer. He lives in a small village called Tor’an. Tor’an is like any other village, however, the unique thing about this village is that, in the centre of the village, lies a statuette like no others – A Rainbow Colored Crystal Ball. No one knew where it came from, it had been there probably millions of years ago, probably… No one knew. No one bothered to find out, only the curious boy, Tera, bothered… Chapter 2 : The Army On the day he turned 15, he was enlisted by the army, he was of suitable age for fighting and soon, he would undergo training so as to defend his country. Every boy who was 15 was expected to go through basic military training by the army for a year, it was necessary in such a cruel world, war could occur anytime, the people had to be on their guard. “Hey boys! Have you all eaten or what? Is that how you all should hold a sword? Grip it firmly lift it up like a man! A MAN, GET ME?”, Sergeant Reanon shouted. “YES SIR!” everyone replied. It was only their first day of training and sergeant reanon had already expected so much of them, Tera was struggling with handling a sword, he had never wield a sword in his entire 15 years of life ever. It was definitely one of the worst days he ever had. Sergeant Reanon was a typical tough guy, all he knew was how to fight, that was how he ended teaching the newbies even after so many years in serving the army, if he ever went to a higher level, he would have gotten all his trainees killed. As months passed, all the recruits were toughened and were ready for battle, it was time for their first mission. Scouts had reported seeing offensive creatures in the mines of Narshata. Though they were offensive, they were easy enough for recruits to deal with, therefore, they were assigned their first mission – Destroy the creatures of Narshata. Chapter 3: The mines of Narshata Strangely, no one knew where all these creatures came from, the people only knew that they meant harm and they were suppose to destroy them. When the recruits arrived, soldiers were guarding the entrance of the Narshata mines. “Sir, all high-difficulty creatures have been cleared by our officers, only the weaklings are left. However sir, please instruct the recruits not to wander down to level 3 as our teammates are still clearing the area”, Soldier X said. “Now recruits, its time to put yer months of practice into good use, hunt down whatever you find and collect what’s worth of them, bring all the items you find here at the end of the day, the team that brings the most valuable items will be sparred from punishment, muhahahaha!!!!”, Sergeant Reanon shouted. “Tera, Reshin and Lozen, you’re in team A, … … …” – it goes on until he assigned everyone into teams of 3. “Now, mission starts, get yer ass down there and start fighting like a real man ,yea?!” Everyone scurries into the mines, unaware of what lies ahead. After moments, Tera, Reshin and Lozen found themselves lost in the mines, they had only managed to kill a few creatures which dropped nothing but some useless skins. Suddenly, the whole place started shaking and stones started falling onto them, they were all panicky. “Hey guys, over here! “ tera shouted. He had found a small hole which lead downwards, “Quickly guys! Or we’ll get crushed by all the rocks!” The 3 of them squeezed their way through the hole and they found themselves at the bottom of another level. “Hey .. it seems like we have wandered down to level 3, I think it’s too dangerous here”, Reshin said worriedly. “Yea, I think so too, I think we’re in deep trouble, what if we encounter some ferocious creature that will eat us all? I don’t wanna die so soon u know, my parents are waiting for me to come home!!!” Lozen panicked. Being curious always, tera said : “Hey, look guys, since we’re here already, we might as well wander around and see what we can find, we might be able to find some treasures and kick the ass out of some monsters and bring back something valuable, then we won’t get trouble from Sergeant Reanon.” After listening to tera, they all agreed to continue wandering in this level, as they wandered, the creatures were getting tougher and they were having a very tough time. To their surprise, they saw a soldier fighting a ferocious ant lion, the soldier casted Demi Level 3 and instantly killed the creature. The 3 of them were delighted that they finally found help. However, when the soldier turned to them, he had no face, he was all black, he was like a black ghost! They then realized that the horrendous black ghost had disguise itself as a soldier! “YOU SHALL DIE!!!”, the black ghost shouted, Its voice enveloped the whole area and the 3 boys were trembling in fear, they had just been paralysed. They had no idea what the black ghost was going to do next, they feared for their lives - were they going to die? Thinking on his feet, tera remembered that sergeant reanon once mentioned that by chanting a spell, the curse of paralyze could be lifted. “Re son des to upon para vento!” The 3 of them were freed from the state of paralyze. Quickly, they drawed their weapons and the fight began. It was a fight like no other, they were dealing with a black ghost, one of the least creatures you would ever want to encounter. Fortunately, Lozen had brought along some holy water, he threw the holy water onto the black ghost while reshin casted his spell “Bustling flames”. Reshin came from a wizard background, which made him a natural spell caster. Tera on the other hand, did nothing but chant spells to make sure they would not be affected by the curses of the black ghost. The black ghost initially resisted a lot, but after awhile, it was under the control of the 3 boys, the black ghost had no choice but to flee, it casted “Smoke Screen” and fled. Victoriously , the boys shouted “ We did it! We scared that horrendous ghost off!” Suddenly, the whole area started to shake again and rocks started rolling down, the 3 boys ran like mad dogs until they came into an area where a statue stood. The area had gates as an entrance, the moment they entered the area, the trembling stopped and the gates behind them closed. Infront of them, was a statue of a wizard, curiously, they stepped forward to examine the statue. Below the statue was a plate filled with words, it wrote “I , Xandus, the great wizard of all times shall never be disturbed again, if you want to get out of this place safely, defeat the image of me and the door upwards will open.” Immediately, the area started shaking again and a wizard suddenly appeared from nowhere and attacked them. It was yet another battle for the 3 of them. Tera knew that spells were not going to work against wizards as wizards themselves were masters of magic. “Hey Reshin, you heal me and Lozen, the two of us will deal with the wizard with our swords.” “Ok.” Replied Reshin. The fight begun, the wizard casted demi, darkness took over tera, making him suffer the damages of darkness. As reshin started healing, Lozhen did “Thrust hit”, a skill he learnt during the trainings, it damage the wizard a little. By now, tera had overcome darkness, he drew his sword from his shaft and gave the wizard a “Jump Blow”, he jumped up and stabbed his sword into the head of the wizard. It dealt a fatal blow to the wizard and suddenly, the wizard disappeared, leaving behind a spell book “Demi”. The door behind the statue opened, leading them upwards. After climbing up countless flight of stairs, they finally saw light, it was an exit! They rushed out and to their surprise, they were back in their village Tor’an, they were standing right infront of the Rainbow Colored Crystal Ball. The look behind them, and to their horror, the exit they once came our from had disappeared! They were in total shock, they were lead from the mines of narshata into their village! Quickly, they rushed back to the army camp which was a mile away from their village. -------------------------------------------End of chapter 3----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To be continued... What you guys think of the story so far? I plan to link the main point of the story back to the crystal ball and the mines.

Quote: Original post by FlamingBoi
EALDUSK, the source of all living, however, all creatures will also cease to exist on this very planet.

???

Ok, you asked. Don't take this personal because it isn't. You asked for a critique and here is mine.

Your basic concept, from what I could link together, seems ok. The story feels jumbled together as though it is just spur of the moment writing. In the background of your story, nobody seems to know anything, which is easy for the writer, but bad for the reader. Most things have reasons behind them. Granted, you shouldn't go into detail on every single aspect of the story but using sentences like:

Quote: Original post by FlamingBoi
No one knew where it came from, it had been there probably millions of years ago, probably… No one knew. No one bothered to find out, only the curious boy, Tera, bothered…

makes even a fantasy story seem completely false. The idea that after "probably" millions of year nobody but this 15 year old kid ever found the rainbow colored statue curious or that in all the years this world has been around nobody has figured out how they became to be is so far outside of common behavior, it is unbelievable. Unless the civilization is completely without emotion and imagination, neither of these situations could work. Even in our own world, when something interesting is noticed, a reason is always available as to "why" even if it is completely fictional (i.e. Greek mythology)

The next chapter puts 15 year old boys in boot camp to defend the country. From what is this defense needed? A culture that recruits such young people into its ranks needs some details why. Do the people not live very long? Is there an enemy country constantly at war with these people? Is there some other ominous threat that would require using children as combatants? I'm not saying this chapter is bad; it could just use some details. Now some of your sentences make this very hard to read. Take this for example:

Quote: Original post by FlamingBoi
It was only their first day of training and sergeant reanon had already expected so much of them, Tera was struggling with handling a sword, he had never wield a sword in his entire 15 years of life ever.

It is like you are thinking faster than you can type and your ideas are getting jumbled together. Take a second, breath, think about your goal, and write your sentence. Repeat as needed. Breaking your sentence up you would have something like:

Quote:
It was only their first day of training. Sergeant Reanon expected so much from the new recruits. Tera had never handled a sword and was struggling with the awkward weapon. . .

and so on. When you use redundant sentences it hurts your story. (i.e. ". . . he had never wield a sword in his entire 15 years of life ever.") The same thing can be said like, "he had never wield a sword." Using "never" covers it.

Next chapter, again we have no idea why we are doing what we are doing. "Kill the creatures but nobody knows why, but they are offensive and mean harm but nobody knows why. . ." It is enough to drive a crazy man sane. Give your player something concrete to work with instead of just assuming they will not question the story. "Most" people are logical to a point and it is the flaws in logic that kill a story or make the difference between an "OK" and "GREAT" story. This whole chapter made my head hurt and I won't bother breaking it down. Simply said, the chapter needs to be thought out and made logical. Also, some things just happen too coincidentally. Sometimes that is ok, but rarely. "Orders: Stay out of lvl 3, it is too dangerous. Reads: this is where the story is going. Action: Rock slide (how convenient), small hole which leads downward (even more convenient) Outcome: We are on lvl 3 and scared but now we can get better stuff to take back . . .

By talking about how dangerous the black ghost is and then how easily 3 "newbie’s" killed it and then the wizard who is a "master of magic" is taken down, begs the question, "what is so dangerous about lvl 3? If these 15 year old unseasoned kids can kick the crap out of them, what was so terrifying about them? Sorry, this is just unrealistic even for fantasy.

I think if you spend some time "building" your characters into what you want them to be instead of instantly making them super warriors, your story will have stronger legs to stand on.

Just my opinion. . .

Quote: Original post by IronGryphon
The next chapter puts 15 year old boys in boot camp to defend the country. From what is this defense needed? A culture that recruits such young people into its ranks needs some details why.

I'm not sure I agree with this complaint. It's not all that uncommon even in modern times for nations to require some kind of compulsory national service - even those countries with no threat of war whatsoever; and although it doesn't usually happen at 15, there's no reason why it shouldn't in some kind of medieval type fantasy setting.

That said, it seems a bit of a stretch that someone in such a culture would not have picked up sword in their entire life.

Other than that, I think I'd agree with everything else you've said.

Quote:
What you guys think of the story so far? I plan to link the main point of the story back to the crystal ball and the mines.

Among other things, I am a bit confused by the mixture of "in character" and "out of character" narrative. Is this story being written for presentation in cutscenes, or is it background text, or what? The past tense used throughout the story suggests it's for background text, in which case the "out of character" narrative needs to go:

Quote:
“Sir, all high-difficulty creatures have been cleared by our officers, only the weaklings are left. However sir, please instruct the recruits not to wander down to level 3 as our teammates are still clearing the area”

Real people do not talk about "high difficulty" creatures, nor do they talk about "level 3" of the caves.

Another example:

Quote:
To their surprise, they saw a soldier fighting a ferocious ant lion, the soldier casted Demi Level 3 and instantly killed the creature.

What is "Demi Level 3"? What does it look like? How does it kill things? I shouldn't have to read the game manual to find out.

Quote: Original post by Sandman

Quote: Original post by IronGryphon
The next chapter puts 15 year old boys in boot camp to defend the country. From what is this defense needed? A culture that recruits such young people into its ranks needs some details why.

I'm not sure I agree with this complaint. It's not all that uncommon even in modern times for nations to require some kind of compulsory national service - even those countries with no threat of war whatsoever; and although it doesn't usually happen at 15, there's no reason why it shouldn't in some kind of medieval type fantasy setting.

Agreed. I just found the situation begging the questions.

Yeah, I can't figure out if this is real, or just a bad narrative on TeamSpeak while playing any generic RPG.

Generally, in the times of swordfighting, sergeants didn't exist. I mean, yes, someone trained the troops, but it's not like there was a command structure that favored NCOs back in Greece or anything.

Thanks for ur critics, i'll clear up all the doubts as soon in the story as soon as i get home for school ^^.

I had a few problems that were expressed by some other users, but the main thing that irked me was how you used "Smoke Screen" and "Demi" like we know what they are.

Always assume that the player has no idea what you're talking about when you are first introducing something.

Instead of saying that the ghost cast "Smoke Screen" you should say: "The ghost spewed a cloud of black smoke from his hands and vanished." or somethign along those lines. I would come up with an example for Demi if I knew what it was, XD.

Also: Why are you pre-drawing up battle scenes? If this is to be an RPG, shouldn't the player be thrust into battle with the black ghost and the wizard? Instead of being forced to watch "Jump Blow", shouldn't they have the choice?

I'm sorry, but this story just sounds really cliche to me. It needs a bit of work.

Are you 14-15? Just curious since your making that number increadably over-segnificant.