I suppose that it's okay to post a sample of a humor book here, since it falls under the category of fiction (I think). Anyway, here's a sample that is from the first part of a humor book I am working on. I want to see how funny it is, so could you look it over and rate it on a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being not funny, 5 being "eh, it's just okay," and 10 being 'seinfield' funny? I suck. I'll say it now so you don't have to. Fred, an eighteen year old fresh out of high school, was applying for a job at his local grocery store. "What motivates you?" the skinny, unshaved manager asked. "Well, John," Fred replied, "I want to someday be a psychiatrist. In the meantime, I need a job to pay the bills." "A psychiatrist?" John asked, leaning forward in his chair. "Could you help me out? I can't find a girl that will go out with me, I have a fear of cats, and I was a cheerleader." Fred said, "Umm... sorry, I don't have that kind of experience." John asked, "Do you like cats?" Fred blinked. "I guess." "Are you sure?" "Umm... no?" John smiled, "You'll do fine, kid. When can you start?" Fred shifted in his chair. "Well..." "Tomorrow? Perfect! Let's go to dinner. You buy your meal, and I'll use my 'Buy one, get one free' coupon. We both win!" "There's something I don't understand about these menus," John said at the restaurant. "What's that?" Fred asked. "Why's it called a menu? Why not a womenu? It's discrimination." Fred sighed, trying to ignore the manager. John said, "I'll leave the tip, buddy." "Thanks." John reached into his pocket, and pulled out two dimes. "This ought to cover it." Fred placed a five dollar bill on the table, embarrassed. This was a classy restaurant! John picked up the bill, and handed it back to Fred. "It's okay. I already tipped them." "What did you want me to do first?" Fred asked at his new job. "Stock canned goods onto shelves," John answered. "And make sure the front labels on the cans are facing the customer, or I'll charge you a facing fine for each can." "Hi. My name is Ethan. I mop floors," an employee said, shaking Fred's hand. "Welcome to the family." Another man pushed Ethan aside. "I'm Brad. Don't talk to Ethan, he's an idiot." Fred suddenly saw a peach fly through the air and hit Ethan in the face. "You broke my glasses, Jeff!" Ethan hollered. "My pleasure, butt face!" somebody yelled back. Another peach flew toward Ethan, but he ducked. "Ha! You missed me, Jeff! Who's the fool now?" "Who threw that peace of fruit?" another man asked. "That thing nearly hit me!" Brad pointed to Ethan. "He did!" The man hollered, "You better run!" He chased Ethan down the isle. Ethan was screaming like a school girl.

Sorry, I posted in huge letters for a second. Problem fixed.

I think the best way to start a comedy piece is sit down and this about what makes you laugh...not to see in real life, but maybe in movies or such.

Does throwing peaches in movies make you laugh?

Does leaving a small tip make you laugh?

Calling someone an idiot?

The good news is, I'm giving you a ten for 'Seinfeld funny'.
The bad news is, I don't think Seinfeld is funny.

Quote: Original post by slowpid
I think the best way to start a comedy piece is sit down and this about what makes you laugh...not to see in real life, but maybe in movies or such.

You have to be a bit careful, because many things that work in movies and tv shows don't work in a piece of writing. In fact, I think this is part of the problem with this piece; mecha has a kind of humourous sitcom style vision in his head which no doubt amuses him, but the humour is lost in the transition to written text.

You don't need zany antics and whacky conversation to make something funny in written form. The way you describe things can be amusing; your turn of phrase and your choice of analogy can convey humour much better than a detailed but humourless description of a bunch of people acting like clowns. Even if they're funny clowns.

[Edited by - Sandman on October 27, 2005 2:53:57 PM]

I agree with you Sandman...I don't know what it is but, I found I only laughed when I came across Slopid's

Quote: Does throwing peaches in movies make you laugh?

.

In the line of what Sandman was saying, I'd like to point out that some of the funniest things I've ever read were Shakespeare's comedies; my favorite being Much Ado About Nothing. Hell, even Shakespeare's tragedies had some funny bits.

If you're feeling girly, you could also check out Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice.

I did enjoy Seinlanguage, though, so take that as you will.

Thanks for the advice. Could you look over this new sample and tell me if it's any better than the last one?



It happened one day...

Who am I? I am the omniscient viewer. Follow me and on a journey of darkness we shall go, past the salty sea and the sea-birds, the treetops far below, shining green with the light of benevolent glory. I shall take you to a place where intelligence is an uncommon trait, where the sea-birds are long forgotten, spiraling into poorly-furnished basements. The place we will go is where dreams are made, basking in the dew-drops of a lawn after a spring shower. So innocent are the dew-drops, that go without a history, never overthrowing empires or starting them, but being like coffee beans, lifting a dog with their awakening tastes.

We arrive at the basement of Jack. For on this day, Jack was having a party at his house. And if you can look him in the eyes and say, "I brought drinks," you are invited to his basement as well. I shall not back you up on this decision. This is a decision that must be made on your own. For Jack has never been a friend of omniscient viewers.

So it was, Jack was throwing a party, as guests sat in the next room, making fun of his bad attitude and his obsession at winning every game he played. One might feel sorry for Jack, if not for his cheating at games, his stubbornness, and his desire to rule the world. Jack was as unfriendly to his guests as they were to him.

Jack entered the 'luxurious guest room' he had, which was a tiny room in the basement, too cramped for eight people, let alone Jack. "What game are we playing?" Jack asked, watching as the guests played cards.

"I don't know," his friend Bryan answered. "We found your deck of playing cards on the table. We're just drawing pictures on the back of the cards and passing them around."

Jack picked up a card. "Who's that idiot in the picture?"

"Umm... that's a picture of you, Jack."

Jack picked up a pen. "I'll draw one."

A minute later, Bryan looked at the card. "Who is it?"

"It's a picture of me," Jack answered.

"That would look like you," said Bryan, "if you were skinny, had a full head of hair, had a smile on your face, and had a girl on each side. So to be honest, it looks nothing like you Jack."

Jack said, "It's pointless to have a game that isn't about winning. That would mean that all of us were losers."

"But, aren't we all losers?" Bryan asked.

"It depends on your perspective, Bryan," Jack answered. "We are, in theory, a bunch of losers deep down. But if you win at a game, you are no longer a loser. If there is one thing I have learned in life, it is how to succeed in being spectacular. And that, my friend, is why I am spectacular."

Jack walked forward, looking back at Bryan in a corny grin. "That's the first thing I've learned in life. The second, third, and fourth things are..."

Smack!

"I should have warned you were about to run into that wall," said Bryan. "But you were in the middle of a speech, and I figured you knew your own basement well enough not to do that."

"I could have sworn that wall wasn't there before," said Jack. "I guess that goes to show, lock your door so people don't have the chance to come in and build new walls in your basement."

"That wall was always there," said Bryan.

"You can't trick me, Bryan," said Jack. "April Fool's Day is only months away, and you got a head start by installing a brand new wall in my basement, hoping that I wouldn't notice."

"Looks like someone fell off the fruit loop," Bryan said with a laugh. "But to tell you the truth, I like you better this way. I think that wall knocked some sense into you."

[Edited by - mecha on October 28, 2005 5:11:50 AM]

I definitely like this one better than the first one. It seems to have more depth to the story and more of a purpose than people just acting stupid.

About the first story, I have a question, was your story supposed to be more like a joke, or a serious story with humor thrown in there?

I think that the story got too much into details, I think if you kept the parts before Fred met the other employees and just worked out those scenes, and even develop a climax or a punchline. Most sitcoms are written out, they perform it then they iron out what is not funny and they keep what is funny. Let me show you what I thought what funny (even a little funny) when I read the story:

"Could you help me out? I can't find a girl that will go out with me, I have a fear of cats, and I was a cheerleader."

"Why's it called a menu? Why not a womenu? It's discrimination."

I also find Fred's reaction to his dysfunctional boss funny.

But anyways, even if I have a skewed view of humor, you still have inspired me to write humorous stories of my own.

Quote: Original post by Lava5
About the first story, I have a question, was your story supposed to be more like a joke, or a serious story with humor thrown in there?.

Both the first and second stories were meant to be serious stories with humor thrown in, though I didn't try as hard to be funny with the second story. Maybe it worked out better that way?

Quote: Original post by Lava5
But anyways, even if I have a skewed view of humor, you still have inspired me to write humorous stories of my own.

Good to hear it [smile].