I'm having trouble with a trailer I've written; I can't seem to make it flow smoothly. The text is an inner monologue of my main character, in the style of film noir. I'll give the original version first, followed by the revised version abridged due to time constraints of the trailer. Afterwards, I'll give a brief backstory and all relavent info of the game to help understand the trailer (it's intentionally vague for plot mechanics). Lastly, I'll list the specific issues I'm having with the writing, and my possible solutions.
Quote:Unabridged version: It started out like any other case; theft, deceit ... murder - the staples of a good square meal of my business. In this town strangers argue, brothers lie to each other's faces and there's usually a belly down in the gutter most mornings; business is good, and I've been keeping myself occupied. I am a detective in trade, private by necessity; I've discovered the only one worth trusting is yourself ... I should have known something was wrong by the way he looked at me. Eagle never had the sparkle, the ideas behind the eyes. He was an honest man, and after 15 years a man I could trust. Never again. I should have run right there - right then, when I looked into his eyes, sparkling blue, seeing more than I wanted them to, and reminding me of what I cannot forget. I started searching weeks ago, just after I found Haley Barbary, a teacher, in his cellar with his head five feet from his body - the first of the killings. Thorpe Wallace, dead from massive lascerations in the abdomen, was soon to follow, and the bodies starting piling up after that. With death everywhere I turned, my notes were my only point of sanity, and, of course, there was Eagle. Together we drove into the heart of this bloody mystery, fueled on lies and revenge, hoping each street wasn't the dead-end we knew it to be. * * *
Now, the end has come, the trap has been sprung, and my search is over. Instead of relief, however, I am filled with raw hatred as I stare at the enemy before me, my gun trained on the forehead, his on mine. “Your hand is bleeding … you’re hurt,” he says, as if that could be the most of my concerns. Thoughts collide in my head, I am soaked in blood and my body shakes from rekindled anger. I force myself to look into his eyes; if this is my last breath, I must know the truth. “How much blood does the princess have on her hands?” I ask. “Eagle’s.” A single word. A single gunshot. |
Quote:Abridged version: It started out like any other case; theft, deceit ... murder - the staples of a good square meal in my business. I am a detective in trade, private by necessity; I've discovered the only one worth trusting is myself... I started searching just weeks ago, after the first of the killings. With death everywhere I turned, my notes were my only point of sanity, and, of course, there was Eagle. Together we drove into the heart of this bloody mystery, fueled on lies and revenge, hoping each street wasn't the dead-end we knew it to be. * * *
Now, the end has come, the trap has been sprung, and my search is over. I find myself stricken, terrified with raw hatred surging through my veins as I stare at the enemy before me. My gun is trained on his forehead, and his on mine. “Your hand is bleeding … you’re hurt,” he says, as if that could be the most of my concerns. Thoughts collide in my head, I am soaked in blood and my body shakes from rekindled anger. I force myself to look into his eyes; if this is my last breath, I've got to know for sure. “How much blood does the princess have on her hands?” I ask. “Eagle’s.” A single word. A single gunshot. |
Quote:Brief overview of Valerie Chest: The Case of the Mysis' Foe In the old western town of RidgeRock, on the outskirts of the Arizona Desert, crime is rampant, and trust is a luxury. P.I. Valerie Chest has been private dick for the last ten years, and she's seen her share of cutthroats, backstabbing and raw deals. Her decade of experience cannot prepare her for what is about to descend, however. Late one night, after many hours of Q&A with a local thug, she and Eagle are attacked, leaving Eagle seriously wounded, and Chest seriously angry. As Eagle lay on the ground, clinging to life, Chest vows to avenge him, whatever the cost. Then the killings begin. Although initially pronounced dead, Eagle slowly recovers, and in the weeks that follow assists Chest in figuring out what is bringing these murderers into town, and most importantly, where their attacker, Baelo Fey, is hiding. After finding many clues, even more dead-ends and fighting numerous killers along the way, Chest soon discovers that these foreigners are not human, and that they are an ancient race of mutated bats called Mysis. Eagle tells her of an ancient legend about a jewel that has the power to rid the world of these creatures. So starts Valerie Chest on a quest for this jewel (which Eagle refers to as 'princess'), Baelo Fey and a salvation for mankind. * * *
After many dead ends and close calls, Eagle tells Chest of a way to trap Baelo Fey, and carry out her revenge at last. The message is bittersweet, however, as she learns that Eagle is really an angel from heaven, his sole mission being to vanquish these demon mysis forever. Fury erupts within her, as she realises Eagle is dead, killed by the hands of Baelo Fey so many weeks ago. She faces Fey alone, and after the long battle that follows, Chest emerges victorious, although she is severely wounded and nearly on the brink. Meanwhile, mysis have started gathering outside, in numbers sounding like hundreds, surrounding the building where Chest lay. Lookin up, she sees Eagle and stumbles toward him. "Where is the jewel!" she screams, as the sounds of the mysis grow louder outside. 'Angel' gives no response, and then it hits home: there never was any jewel, and 'Angel' has just been using her for bait this whole time. "You belong in hell with those things." Furious, she starts to walk away, then points her Smith and Wesson directly at the mass-murdering angel before her, only to find his gun is already pointed at her. |
At this moment begins the trailer, with Valerie Chest and 'Angel' squaring off amidst a few hundred angry, bloodthirsty mysis. The basic feel I want is that the veiwer think she is facing off with Baelo Fey, not 'Angel' (the scenes are very dark, and you never get a clear picture of who she's talking to). With the trailer limited to just under a minute, I've been forced to cut alot of meat out of it. In doing so, and with the slow, deliberate speech of Valerie, the monologue seems broken, and abrupt. Being film noir, it seems like alot of that detail is necessary to the genre, and to the theme - which is horror, loosely speaking. The key point, imo, is right before the break, where Valerie sums up the majority of her and Eagle's journey. It seems rushed and unfinished to me, but I'm at a block. Any ideas/suggestions/comments? Thanks for your time.
:stylin: "Make games, not war."
"...if you're doing this to learn then just study a modern C++ compiler's implementation." -snk_kid
