hey all, as suggested by a few people, ive gone to the trouble of creating a background for my main character in my rpg. this background also serves as the basis for the intro to my story/plot. i would like to know what some of you think about it so i can decide whether it sets the right mood, understanding, and hopefully interest. i also want to use this to help me to adjust my main character sprites so that they arent so plain - ie. i want to be able to have some of his attitude (shown in this...i hope :) ) shown through his clothing so that people get a better idea of the kind of person he is just by looking. ***NOTE: after a few replies, ive decided to ask everyone to read the story section of my site (link below) so that you wont be asking questions related to it, considering i have left most of the stuff mentioned there out of this post. i hope this will clear more things up when you read this post so that you all can give me more feedback on this intro and not what doesnt make sense because it was left out :) here's the link: Story lastly, thanks for taking the time to read all of this, i cant tell you how much i appreciate this kind of feedback! :)*** ok, now that you know what this is for, give me all the criticism you can throw, im ready for the positive (hopefully!), and the negative (i know its not perfect...) here ya go: (Name), a Kion living on Yio, was orphaned when he was 13 years old when both his parents were killed. They had attempted to leave the planet in search for a way to feed the mana from Yio, a planet overflowing with mana, to the other planets that were slowly dying. This had not been tried before, so no one knew how it would turn out. It was decided that the only probable way to get out of the planet’s mana field was to encase them in a “bubble” of mana that would be pushed by the (magic) at a speed so fast to get them out of the planet’s field – so it would be like staying in Yio’s field when they got outside it. This seemed to work as they breeched the mana field’s edge, but just as they fully left the mana field, the mana “bubble” they were in instantly combusted, killing both (name’s) parents in a horrible explosion of mana, right before his eyes. Since that day, (name) had never been able to accept the fact that his parents had died what seemed so easily. He was determined there was another cause for their death, and he was eventually going to search for the answer… Until that day came just under 5 years later, he began to slowly drift away from the people of Yio, putting all of his time into thinking of his parents and what they had hoped to do, and carving a peculiar shaped object made of wood. This object served as a way for him to think quietly, and entertain himself – the shape of the object caused it to return to him after he threw it, even if it bounced off something. Not many of the Kion knew what (name’s) “stick” did; they just saw him carry it around most of the time. The one person who was an exception was his best and only real friend, (girl name). She often went off with (name) to a waterfall where they talked and threw the “stick” around. Eventually, (name) became very fluent at getting the “stick” to return, no matter where or how he threw it, so he decided to call it a “Retuick” (short for “return stick”). On (name’s) 18th birthday, the elders of the Kion called a meeting to discuss the issue of depleting mana around the Valtas system. All of the Kion had felt the slow decline in mana over the years, but now it was at a critical stage where something had to be done or attempted again… Both urged by the elders and then volunteering, (name) decided he was going to undertake the journey to do something about the mana situation. After all, he still wanted to find out about his parents, despite many attempts from the elders to convince him otherwise about their deaths. It was negotiated that (name) could search quickly for another answer to his parent’s deaths, then he would find a way to find/discuss/stop the depletion of the Valtas system’s mana. This is how the story of (insert name of RPG here :) ) begins… all right, i look forward to hearing what you say. please note that this is just my first idea of the intro/start so that i can organise my character and get a better idea for the storyline. thanks for any criticism :) [Edited by - the_moo on January 27, 2005 3:45:53 AM]

The below post is crap. I misread some parts so the comments are a bit weird. I thought the player character was the King of Yio.

Quote:

Original post by the_moo hey all, as suggested by a few people, ive gone to the trouble of creating a background for my main character in my rpg.

I find it annoying that the player can't create the character he/she wants to play (it's a roleplaying afterall). What if I don't want to be that courageous blonde-haired hero? What if I wanted to be an evil sneaky backstabbing thief, who just thinks of his own good. I would rather give the player the possibility of creating his own character. Perhaps you could use the character you designed as an NPC, who would join the player's party.

Quote:

ok, now that you know what this is for, give me all the criticism you can throw, im ready for the positive (hopefully!), and the negative (i know its not perfect...) here ya go: (Name), a Kion living on Yio, was orphaned when he was 13 years old when both his parents were killed. They had attempted to leave the planet in search for a way to feed the mana from Yio, a planet overflowing with mana, to the other planets that were slowly dying.

EDIT: Ack, I misread! Sorry.
Why was the planet dying? Why was the king in need of mana?

Why would the residents of Yio care about the other planets? I wouldn't! ;)

Quote:

This had not been tried before, so no one knew how it would turn out. It was decided that the only probable way to get out of the planet’s mana field was to encase them in a “bubble” of mana that would be pushed by the (magic) at a speed so fast to get them out of the planet’s field – so it would be like staying in Yio’s field when they got outside it. This seemed to work as they breeched the mana field’s edge, but just as they fully left the mana field, the mana “bubble” they were in instantly combusted, killing both (name’s) parents in a horrible explosion of mana, right before his eyes.

Perhaps you should tighten up the text and avoid repetition a bit more. It's a bit confusing to read.

Quote:

Since that day, (name) had never been able to accept the fact that his parents had died what seemed so easily. He was determined there was another cause for their death, and he was eventually going to search for the answer… Until that day came just under 5 years later, he began to slowly drift away from the people of Yio, putting all of his time into thinking of his parents and what they had hoped to do, and carving a peculiar shaped object made of wood. This object served as a way for him to think quietly, and entertain himself – the shape of the object caused it to return to him after he threw it, even if it bounced off something. Not many of the Kion knew what (name’s) “stick” did; they just saw him carry it around most of the time. The one person who was an exception was his best and only real friend, (girl name). She often went off with (name) to a waterfall where they talked and threw the “stick” around. Eventually, (name) became very fluent at getting the “stick” to return, no matter where or how he threw it, so he decided to call it a “Retuick” (short for “return stick”).

Perhaps a too much of explanation. Something like this could be used (I am not a native English speaker so the text is a bit awkward.

He carved an object from wood, which he used as means to concentrate and a way to escape into his own mind to ponder of somethingblabla. The wooden object was very particular and one of a kind. Its shap allowed it to return when thrown and so he named it "Retuick" as a pun from "returning stick".

Quote:

On (name’s) 18th birthday, the elders of the Kion called a meeting to discuss the issue of depleting mana around the Valtas system. All of the Kion had felt the slow decline in mana over the years, but now it was at a critical stage where something had to be done or attempted again… Both urged by the elders and then volunteering, (name) decided he was going to undertake the journey to do something about the mana situation. After all, he still wanted to find out about his parents, despite many attempts from the elders to convince him otherwise about their deaths. It was negotiated that (name) could search quickly for another answer to his parent’s deaths, then he would find a way to find/discuss/stop the depletion of the Valtas system’s mana. This is how the story of (insert name of RPG here :) ) begins… all right, i look forward to hearing what you say. please note that this is just my first idea of the intro/start so that i can organise my character and get a better idea for the storyline. thanks for any criticism :)

Well generally you could tighten up the text and avoid repetition.. I would also think about giving the player a chance to do his own character. A good character would save the planet and the king because it is the right thing to do. An evil and greedy character would do it for money.. etc. Let the player choose!

[Edited by - tentoid on January 25, 2005 7:01:23 AM]

hey tentoid,
thanks for the reply. i guess i shouldve mentioned this is my first rpg. however, i do respect your ideas, but think that having more than one "creatable" character might be going a bit overboard for a first try :)
i too like the idea (like secret of mana 2 if youve ever played) but a more linear story and character setup is more appealing to me right now (ive been playing too many jap. rpgs lately: ff, tales of symphonia...!)
anyway, i do understand my language wasnt the best, i will in time fix that (probably when i get to putting it on my site)
sorry speaking of site, i also forgot to mention that the story outline (the first draft of basic stuff about the game) is on my site and should probably be skimmed over to get the idea behind the game before you read this idea - it explains a hell of a lot (i think!) about the way everything works and should clarify anything that seems a bit cloudy :)
lastly, thanks for the rephrasing! that really helps to give me an idea of how i could write it once ive polished it off! :)

thanks again for the reply, keep 'em coming!

Quote:

They had attempted to leave the planet in search for a way to feed the mana from Yio, a planet overflowing with mana, to the other planets that were slowly dying. This had not been tried before, so no one knew how it would turn out. It was decided that the only probable way to get out of the planet’s mana field was to encase them in a “bubble” of mana that would be pushed by the (magic) at a speed so fast to get them out of the planet’s field – so it would be like staying in Yio’s field when they got outside it. This seemed to work as they breeched the mana field’s edge, but just as they fully left the mana field, the mana “bubble” they were in instantly combusted, killing both (name’s) parents in a horrible explosion of mana, right before his eyes.

Okay, I got a little stuck right here and didn't go any further. I also admit I haven't read more into the world history/background, but I don't think I need it for my comments - correct me if you feel I'm wrong.

What I'm getting from this is they created a magical energy space capsule, just to give a more grounded description, and were attempting to break free of the planet's mana/gravity - to escape to another planet. Okay, so far so good.

They launched the "capsule", they reached the outer limits of the mana/gravitational field...and blew up, inexplicably. Right?

Now for the questions/comments:
- I really find it hard to believe that BOTH parents would have left the planet, considering no one had ever done this before and they had no idea how dangerous it would be. I'm just not clear why they both needed to go, why no one else went with them, or who the boy was left with. It might be necessary for your story to have both parents dead, but it doesn't make sense to do it this way because no one will believe it. What parents would BOTH abandon their child like that - unless that abandonment is part of your story? Either expand on it and flesh it out or change it.

- you'll also need to explain how the boy was able to "see" them explode, if they were at orbital height. Yes, you can use the space shuttle disasters as examples - but if you do, then consider how large the shuttles are and how low, relatively speaking, in the atmosphere they were when they exploded. We also have technology that brought the explosions up close and personal; he was a boy standing there watching the sky. I'm not saying he wouldn't have seen an explosion, but would he know what it was - since it's never been done before? How does he know they died? What did he see, exactly? For all he knew, the burst of light he very likely saw could have been caused by their "mana bubble" breaking free of the planet's "mana field"

- I'll accept that no one has ever travelled to the other planets. But given that...how do they know that other planets are dying from a lack of mana? I have no problem understanding that they know their own planet is dying, but how can they know the status of other planets if their mana-technology is low enough that they've never travelled beyond the planetary surface? Again, I'm not saying it isn't possible - but by the descriptions you give, it isn't probable given what I'm reading.

Based on my last comment I decided to go and read your background on the planets - and now I'm completely confused. If no one has managed interplanetary travel before, explain the following:

Quote:

Hunif: A well-balanced planet with a variety of climates and landscapes. This is the largest of the five planets, in size, population, economy and mana. It is the centre of all trade throughout Valtas. Many different races have travelled from their home-planets to live here because of the seemingly perfect balance in climate and elements.

?!?!?

You've completely contradicted yourself, and now I'm absolutely confused. Most of my comments become moot if interplanetary travel is done with some regularity, but if that's true then the basis for your game doesn't make sense.

Or I'm just not understanding something here. Help!

Quote:

They had attempted to leave the planet in search for a way to feed the mana from Yio, a planet overflowing with mana, to the other planets that were slowly dying. This had not been tried before, so no one knew how it would turn out. It was decided that the only probable way to GET OUT OF THE PLANET'S MANA FIELD was to encase them in a “bubble” of mana that would be pushed by the (magic) at a speed so fast to get them out of the planet’s field – so it would be like staying in Yio’s field when they got outside it. This seemed to work as they breeched the mana field’s edge, but just as they fully left the mana field, the mana “bubble” they were in instantly combusted, killing both (name’s) parents in a horrible explosion of mana, right before his eyes.

I assume the other planets have no mana fields to stop them since they are not overflowing with mana

I agree with EricTrickster about both his parents leaving. Makes no sense.

thanks for your great input all :)
i guess leaving out some of the info from the descriptions of Kion and Yio on my site doesnt help :( i was trying to keep some of it a bit hush hush until i released a demo or something but i guess ill clear some things up.
- Yio is a very small planet (the smallest in the system), however, it contains more mana than any other planet. because of this overflow of mana, the Kion (the only people who live on Yio) have been infused with some of the excess mana over many years. they eventually realised that given this close connection to mana, they have become very sensitive to fluctuations in amounts of mana around the whole Valtas system. since each planet has its own mana force (which keeps it alive), they can obviously sense great sources of mana in a few places - these would be like that of Yio, just not as strong, but still very large to indicate to the Kion that there are other planets.
this is how they know that mana from other planets is being depleted.
- since the Kion have never left Yio, they obviously arent at the same level of technology as the people living on Hunif, or any of the other planets, since they havent seen any other people to adapt their ways of living. the Kion therefore are a much more primitive and peaceful race that arent capable of the interplanetary travel that all the others are.
- thanks for pointing out the parents thing. i must say i agree with you, it is kinda shallow...in all honesty that wasnt the most thought out section of this...i will definately work on that, thanks! :)
- as for seeing them explode, i was basing that on: the planet being small; the planet having a small atmosphere (the mana field); the distance not being anywhere near as far we'd be used to living here ;); also possibly the explosion being quite large...

ok, i think i covered most of your questions/concerns. i hope all this makes sense and supports how everything works in the OP (besides the parents ;) ).
let me know if it still confuses you. that lets me know i have some work to do :)
thanks again for all your suggestions/comments. they're certainly helping me to fix this up :)

The main meaning of 'role playing' in an RPG, is to let the player plays the roles provided by the game. It is not strictly about letting the player experience the role they want. It is not a design flaw that there is only one playerable character with no options of personality and no channels for the player to express the player's expectations and preferences. It is an RPG. It is about the player being someone else, in other words, role-playing.


In the introduction of the game story, two objectives are provided for the player.
Objective 1: Solve the mystery behind the deaths of the parents.
Objective 2: Find a way to fix the Valtas system.

In a follow-up post you mentioned that the story is linear. It is expected that:
E1: The mystery behind the deaths of the parents are related to the fixing of the Valtas system or the depletion of mana itself.
E2: There exists a revelation behind the deaths of the parents, and/or the action done by the main character to search for the truth.

The followings are additional expectations:
E3: The type of difficulties that the main character has to overcome, and the decisions to be made are meaningful. (In a nutshell this is related to what the gameplay is about. If the parents got attack by some sort of space invaders and the main character ends up having to destroy them to safe the planet, some compelling reasons will be required to make the story mature.)
E4: A revelation exists behind the mana system of the designed universe. It might be a representation of a philosophy, a symbol of forces related to a central topic of discussion.
E5: The depletion of mana is not an arbitrary conflict, but holds a meaning/metaphor to the philosophy behind the Valtas system, the actions that the parents has done (including their perspectives, success or failure, and the cost they paid), and the decisions of the main character.
E6: The meaning behind the story has a relation to conflicts, emotions, decisions, and situation in real life.


The above are the global expectations.


There are 'modes' that cause fixations. From what you have described, there exists a possible overall mode being presented. In a nutshell, there was an expectation, a goal, a dream that was unable to be fulfilled. The subject (the main character) is unable to accept that outcome, and is trapped in a state where he tries to alter the meaning, the truth, and/or the existence of the event (the failure). There might be truth to the alternatives being sought, but ultimately the seeking of these alternatives blinds the subject from accepting and understanding the genuine meaning behind. The subject can be said to be stuck in the past. It is convincing to the subject that 'it is not how it happened.' However, this is the very trap that causes the fixation in the past, in the search of a truth that cannot be sought. The solution is to free the subject. (The main actions and decisions are actually on the Girl. The Guy is a prisoner of himself.)

well done Estok!
it really makes me happy to see that after these posts someone has been able to nail all aspects of the story i set out to show, but also a few others that fitted in with my ideas, even though i hadnt planned them!
thanks for showing me that someone can see the main ideas and those that are past my terrible grammar ;)
i do have one question for you though:
- do you actually like the ideas, or did you just point out all that for others (since my grammar seemed to make it hard for some)?
i get the impression that you can see and link all the ideas in the story which makes me think that you did infact find it alright, but could you let me know:
- if these ideas and story were the basis for an rpg, would you play it?
- would you find it interesting?
maybe everyone else who reads your post and my posts (and hopefully understands what my story is about) can answer these two or three questions. if some of you could do that, it would help to clarify whether or not it would be worth my while creating this story. if you answer no to the last question, reply like the others with what things you dont like about it.

thanks a huge amount everyone for your replies. i cant tell you how much this helps me to understand storywriting and how to accept criticism ;)
keep the enthusiastic and honest replies coming!

I don't know enough about your idea to say that I like it. There are many things I look for in a story, one of them is the depth in terms of the overall meaning of the story, another one is originality. Since I don't know what the meaning of your story is I cannot value it by what I value most. Originality can be devided by two parts, the overall composition, and the choices of elements. I don't know your overall symbolism so again I can't evaluate. In terms of elements, however, here are a list of the sub-par choices. These are the elements that are common and require additional work (in terms of meaning and presentation) to distinguish from the others:

- Mana as a life force
- Aliens/alternative races/lives on other planets
- Planetary crisis/struggle of survival
- Death of parents/orphanage
- Death as the source of grief
- The 'spotlight' effect ('sole survivor', 'only hope', 'chosen one', etc...)

The above elements are seen as weaknesses, turn-offs, until proven compelling.

Your mention of the return stick let me think that the parents are going to return to the story. The second guess is that it will become a weapon. If the meaning of it refers to the first assumption, I would suggest you change the name to something more nostalgic/sentimental/subtle/artistic. It might refer to something (a story, a myth, etc) that his parent have told him about. If it is a weapon I would also consider a name change.

There can be deeper associations with the stick. For example, after it is thrown, the stick returns, but not in the same form. His parents might have hinted to him many times about their true identities in the form of stories, to prepare him to accept that they are not what he thinks they are.


The overall interest created by the introduction is not intense enough to make me play the game. There are many stories related to finding why the parents died. The existence of such situation alone holds not much attraction. The introduction you have provided lacks a sense of excitement/entertainment/depth to capture the attention. In general, you need to present a striking element to set the focus of the introduction. Nothing in your current introduction possesses such intensity.

They is a type of stories that are similar to what you have presented. It involes the main character being some kind of retired or resigned general or someone involing duty or conviction, that has lost hope/faith on their duty due to a tragic event. The overall story is a presentation of how such characters overcome their fears/regrets/griefs/guilts when they are given a second chance to gain new understanding of their dreams/believes.

thanks for sharing your thoughts AP :)
i like some of the things you suggested, and im glad other ideas (that i came up with) you've pinpointed as well.
the only thing i have to ask (everyone) is: please read through the story section on the above link before reading this if nothing else, because many of you are asking questions/are confused by stuff that i've neglected to say here because ive got it written on my site.
ive updated the OP to say this again, but to save anyone else pointing out things that i have explained/cleared up, i will request that you read the story section of my site first.
then, you should be able to read through the OP and hopefully have no questions regarding stuff that ive already explained :)
thanks for all your responses still, theyve all been very helpful - theyve all had stuff about the OP, not just the left out stuff.
i look forward to seeing what you think after having read and understood the base story and the OP :)
thanks very much again