Quote: Seize of Olympus: The day heaven fell into hell. Once in the kingdom of Xanar, there was a prosperity and progress. Xanar was one of the most powerful kingdoms in all of Sphere. In its vast land, many swore allegiance to the king. Xanar had powerful lords and knights but the two most powerful were the Sword of Zanzibar and the High Knights of Xanar. In the year of high moon 324, invasions were becoming regular practice along the countryside of Xanar as well as in other countries. Knights and lords were able to aptly defend their lands, but something was unsettling about the various skirmishes. Why were they happening? Who led them? Why now? These were some of the questions being asked. Five years later in 329, the answers come to light at Ceremony of Judges. “The ceremony seems to be going well. Does it not, Ramses?”, says the King. “Yes sire, splendid indeed. I wonder what other surprises my liege has in store for us.”, Ramses replies. The King says smilingly, “You shall see.” As the night goes on, jesters, magicians, and acrobats filled the room with laughter and glee. The night seems to be in full festive swing. Then it happens.... As a magician turns stone into clay, a spear suddenly pierces his chest. Blood splatters over all those around him. The magician tries desperately to chant a spell to remove the almost 6 inch thick spear, but he goes into shock and falls. The spear holds him up as he resembles the image of a skewed pig. The hall is in panic and disarray. Mercenaries burst through windows setting the curtains aflame as they ride down on them. Jesters who were entertainers now find laughter in slitting the throats of whoever runs in their path. Minsters, some being of defense, land, and ancient scrolls, are captured quickly. Knights and some lords notice this is too organized to be a random raid. The King is taken to his secret bunker which is underground and some ways from the castle, after the magician was speared. Action must now be taken. The king orders his mages to awaken his High Knights and other soldiers to wipe the vermin once and for all. His orders are clear, “Kill all of those who bring sacrilege to the Great Hall!” The mages start an incantation that delivers the message to the knights, lords and countymen in their sleep. Since the raids began, there has always been a plan in case of such an event. All of those who were ready to fight met inside the armory. The High Knights gave everyone their orders. Ra-Ares the Highest Knight of Xanar noticed a group was missing. As the massive group marched out of the armory, they soon realized that this battle was far more sinister in nature than they had imagined. The moon was set high in the clouds, as if it was meant to bring to light all that was happening. Orcs, ogres, trolls, and elves began to flood the countryside. Each horizon that could be seen glittered with moon-lighted axes and swords. There in the midst of the upcoming chaos was the group Ra-Ares had not seen, the Sword of Zanzibar. What was once grass was now a sea of murderers ready to bathe in blood. A grand yet destructive battle was now in play. As the soldiers loyal to Xanar looked upon the high moon for guidance and victory, a strange star traveled near it’s vicinity. As soon as the star passed in front of the moon, a large blue flash filled the night sky. When the flash passed, hundreds laid dead and those that were alive fought blanketed with the blood of their enemies. The battle raged fiercely throughout the night. High Knights and Zanzibar Lords fought as if they were competing for life itself. They matched in skill in every way. Neither side gave the advantage. High Knight Celis killed 50 ogres before she was stopped by Dion, a Zanzibar Lord. The two slaughtered another 200, some of them being their own people, before the next wave of attacks started. Suddenly a woman in a luminous white gown appeared near the castle. She floated in the air for a split second then just as quickly as she appeared disappeared. As Melios, another High Knight, swung an elf over his head with his broadsword, he saw large fireballs blaze across the sky. It was headed for the castle. The beginning of the end had come. Night had turned to clear day. The castle walls began to burn effortlessly and crumbled. Mercenaries poured into the castle confines looting and destroying everything they came across. The Knights of Xanar were quickly being outnumbered two to one. Defeat was imminent. Ra-Ares and Ramses, leader of the Sword of Zanzibar stood atop a hill in a bitter clash. The two in a stalemate watch the castle and Zanzibar troop storm in blitzkrieg fashion. “So do you wish to die now, or spend the rest of your years in shame?”, Ramses laughs heartily. “I’d rather reach in your chest and rip out your spine.”, replies Ra-Ares. “Ha ha ha! Yes and then you’ll sing a little song and this will be all be over. Ra-Ares, you know this match between us is futile. And unlike you, I can last much longer.”, says Ramses. “I wonder what he means by that....”, Ra-Ares thinks to himself. Knowingly unable to finish or end the stand off, Ra-Ares retreats but not before he gives Ramses a deadly blow to his chest. Ra-Ares signals his troops and knights to retreat. As Ra-Ares and his troops pull back, he notices that Ramses stands atop the hill laughing. It is then that Ra-Ares realizes that something else was behind the attack. The castle burns violently under the moonlight. Humans and subhumans cheer and roar at their victory. The Sword of Zanzibar laughs and proclaim themselves strongest in the land, an unstoppable force, an ungodly power. The High Knights and other survivors of Xanar can do nothing more than watch helplessly and retreat for safer territory. Luck, on this night, was not with them. .......20 years later. “So I heard they come back today.”, says Ra-Ares. “From what I’ve heard they have seemed to learn much more than we. I wonder how they will do. Maybe it’s soon to tell.”, replies Richter. “My sources tell me Celis’ daughter has learned some Eastern arts. They are said to be quite deadly. Speaking of that have you heard anything about the sorceress, Richter?” “No, actually I haven’t. It is said that the Eastern region also shared the fate as we did 20 years ago. I gather that our “sorceress” is not the only one.” “Well it seems unlikely that she herself conducted all these at once. Did you hear that....?” As Ra-Ares, he caught a bow screaming past his face. It was then that the High Knights knew their children had returned. In the same respect, the children realized that they were in the right place. Each child greeted their parent individually. Magnus greeted his father Ra-Ares and apologized for the bow. Ra-Ares thought nothing of it, for he knew it was necessary. As the sun began to set, a great feast began. Dancing and drinks went all around. The High Knights and their children sat together sharing brew, roasted hawk and rat tail. “I realized that all of us has only parent. Where did the other leave to?” Bella asked quizzically. “It is a mystery to all of us. Each of our partners shared 5 years with us. Then told us to send each of you to different part of Sphere to learn a warrior art. After that was done, they were never seen again.”, Galau replied to her daughter. “I see.”, Bella replied. After the feast, many words were spoken, ideas drawn out, and adventures shared. Night became day and the young warriors were called by their parents for their first challenge. “Ramses.”, Ra-Ares bellowed. “Yes, father.”, Ramses answered. “You are go with the others in Hlmet’s swamp. Bring back the head of the Taurus and it’s master.” “When shall we be back?” “Two days time. If you are not back by then we will burn the swamp, whether you are in it or not.” “Yes, father I understand. Come all, we must destroy the Taurus and on the way talk and eat.” Ramses said happily. The group of seven went off. The High Knights look on approvingly awaiting their return. In two days time, the seven young warriors might return to meet more challenges only to face the greatest challenge of all, the Sword of Zanzibar. Hopefully Time will be gracious, and Fate will not deal them a heavy hand or even Death.

can you perhaps boil that down a bit? its just htat its kind of hard to keep track of all the characters, places, etc. from so much dialogue.

also, its not being fair when you want us to critique a story when you hide details from us... remember, we're not the players. we're fellow designers.

and among other things, i'm not really getting a grasp of what you are trying to focus on in this story. I read about an epic battle that ends in failure... and then it skips ahead to a group of warriors trying to prove their uber-1337ness to their dear old dads... i'm sure you've got some overlying plot here. its just that i'm just not seeing it.

well that's my two cents. if i understood it better i could do it better justice...

Hmm... "Outer Heaven" in the Metal Gear series was in Zanzibar. Zanzibar was a large city in an African country. So, why was the legion named the "Sword of Zanzibar." My guess is that you heard it and later remembered it, but didn't think it was a real name or place, so you used it. No biggie, I've done it myself.

Definitely not getting the point of this story. The first half, pre-going into the swamp, would make for an RTS. You should really throw us a bone here, dude.

I think that it's written fairly well, but I do have a few comments.

Zanzibar, yes, is a real place. And Ramses is an Egyptian god, I believe. Ra-Ares, likewise, is just the combination of known names. In any event, if you want to create a fantasy world, you're going to need to find/create original names. Often, taking a real name and then mixing up some letters, spelling it differently, etc. is enough to suffice.

I feel like you may need to re-read this a few times, even out loud to yourself, to find some of the more subtle corrections that should be made. I get the feeling that your a proficient enough writer to catch and correct these kinds of mistakes, so I'm just going to point out a few that are indicitive of a pattern that you have going on.

Be very wary of your dialoge.

"The King says smilingly,"

Smilingly isn't a word, and I'm not sure how you would talk while doing it.

"Ra-Ares retreats but not before he gives Ramses a deadly blow to his chest."

If he gave a deadly blow to his enemy, why retreat?

"High Knights and Zanzibar Lords fought as if they were competing for life itself"

This, I noticed, occurs multiple times throughout. They aren't fighting as if they were competing for life itself....they ARE competing for life itself. You create other similies like this that are almost redundant. Anytime you write that something is "like" something or that it's "as if" something else, you can usually take it out and just say that it *is*, if that makes sense.

Anyway, good job! Just reread it a few times and I'm sure you'll spot other problem areas.

Just for the record, Ramses was a line of Egyptian pharoahs, Ramses II being the most famous. He was a great conqueror.

Quote: Original post by Anonymous Poster
I think that it's written fairly well, but I do have a few comments.

Zanzibar, yes, is a real place. And Ramses is an Egyptian god, I believe. Ra-Ares, likewise, is just the combination of known names. In any event, if you want to create a fantasy world, you're going to need to find/create original names. Often, taking a real name and then mixing up some letters, spelling it differently, etc. is enough to suffice.

I feel like you may need to re-read this a few times, even out loud to yourself, to find some of the more subtle corrections that should be made. I get the feeling that your a proficient enough writer to catch and correct these kinds of mistakes, so I'm just going to point out a few that are indicitive of a pattern that you have going on.

Be very wary of your dialoge.

"The King says smilingly,"

Smilingly isn't a word, and I'm not sure how you would talk while doing it.

"Ra-Ares retreats but not before he gives Ramses a deadly blow to his chest."

If he gave a deadly blow to his enemy, why retreat?

"High Knights and Zanzibar Lords fought as if they were competing for life itself"

This, I noticed, occurs multiple times throughout. They aren't fighting as if they were competing for life itself....they ARE competing for life itself. You create other similies like this that are almost redundant. Anytime you write that something is "like" something or that it's "as if" something else, you can usually take it out and just say that it *is*, if that makes sense.

Anyway, good job! Just reread it a few times and I'm sure you'll spot other problem areas.

good point about the smilies... it doesn't make sense.
and yeah i guess it is very vague if i don't give background.
i'll give more when come home.... getting off work. [smile]