Introduction ------------ Bane is a 18-year old teenage who comes from a small deserted island named "Powleth".AS his teacher has just passed away,he has to fulfil his teacher''s last wish. And that is to accquire " The Power " and take revenge on The Evil One. Many have heard of "The Power" but it was all a legend A legend that no one knew what it was, who it was or even where it was... Bane''s late teacher left him with a sword and a map to get off the pathetic small island. After paying his last respects to his teacher, he leaves the island on a boat, following the map''s directions, leading him to the continent of " Tewas ". And it all begins.. Chapter 1 : Big Bad Thugs --------------------------------------- "Hey!" "Me?" "Yes, you!" Bane looked down a short tiny man who looked very much like a gnome. "Yes may i help you? " Bane replied. "Are you new here? You don''t look like a local.. heh.. need a guide around for the price of a few coins? hehehehe... " Bane looked at him strangely.. then asked : "What''s a coin? I''ve never seen one before, all i have here is some of these brown like stuff, my teacher told me that it would be useful here .. " "Hah.. those are coins ..I''ll take ya offer. The name''s Dware " "Mine''s Bane, Bane Relas " "Ah..ic.. Mr.Relas? " "Call me Bane " "Shall i find you a place to stay? " asked Dware while shaking excitedly. "Sure! But before i forget, have you heard anything about.. "The Power? " "SHHHHhh.. not so loud will ya? You won''t want those thugs hear you mention their name.." "Huh? " Bane thought.. curiously.. "They are the biggest, meanest, fiercest thugs i''ve known.. if they catch you mentioning them.. uh oh.. " Bane found it wierd that "The Power" were actually thugs? How would he go around accquiring it? After deep thoughts , he finally decided that it might a coincidence that the thugs named themselves The Power.. "Hello Bane.. Bane.. You there? .. Helloo hooo" Waking up from his thoughts .. " Uh.. yes.. yes.. sorry.. was thinkin about somethin.. let''s go " ---------------------------------------------------------------- I''ve stopped until here.. care to give any comments? .. How you think that was? :D

Just one comment for now. A question, really.

Is this the beginning of a novel, or is this just dialogue?

lol nice screenname, I like it

So... how is it possible to come from a deserted island?

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Original post by sunandshadow
So... how is it possible to come from a deserted island?

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I think he means they took up residence there.

Though, from what little I know of it, this sounds painfully like a DragonBall remake...

I''m with sun, the first thing I wanted to comment on was that "deserted island" thing but originally let it go. If they took up residence there, where are the kid''s parents? Did he ever know them? Was he raised on the island? Is the teacher the only living being he can recall knowing?

And the business after he arrived...what kind of city is this? If there''s a dock, shouldn''t there be officials at the dock? Docking fees? I don''t know of any port city, past or present, where you simply docked your boat, tied it off and left it. There''s usually a fee involved, and someone to record it.

I will admit this is a surprisingly honest gnome, considering how forthright and friendly he is. He obviously recognizes how naive the boy is; to be honest, my first instinct said he was going to steal the money. Or at least lie about how useful the "brown things" were. Overcharge him, at the very least. I want unscrupulous characters!

There''s no visual here, if this is a novel. He arrives. He talks. That''s it. I want to "see" the dock, I want to know what he looks like and what he sees/smells/hears around him. All I have right now is an emotionless conversation.

The dialog, plain and frankly, sucks. It''s unemotional, the familiarity between the characters sprouts up far too rapidly to be realistic, the main character is exceedingly naîve...

thx for your comments.. i'll try to correct them soon .. Actually Bane is an orphan and he is accepted in by his teacher, more will be revealed about his parents and " The Power " as he travels the world .. i'll try to correct the mistakes properly .. pardon me for my bad english becoz im an asian . Ok.. as for the deserted island thing.. when he was a kid, he was already there, more will be revealed as how he got there and stuff.. ok? .. it follows the story ..

His teacher is the only being he ever knew becoz he did not have contact with other people on that deserted island , his teacher brought him up there and taught him how to fight etc..

Sorry for not including those points .. I'll rewrite this again..

And.. im trying to create a fantasy novel.. or something like that.. any comments or suggestion on how to start it?
[edited by - FlamingBoi on April 9, 2004 8:31:57 PM]

[edited by - FlamingBoi on April 9, 2004 8:33:30 PM]

"How to start creating a fantasy novel" is a huge question, but for a simple place to start, try thinking about it this way:

One theory of writing say that every story is composed of the "Circle of Six Story Elements":
characters - character dynamic - worldbuilding - theme - plot - atmosphere - then back to characters again.

You can choose to start with whichever one or two of these elements come most naturally to you and you have good ideas for, but you have to hit all of them before you will have a story.

This is going to sound harsh, but if you''re going to write a book in English, you should first learn how to write in that language.
Also: if you honestly want to write a book, the first thing you need to do is read. And you need to read more than just Dragonball comics; read the classics (Shakespeare, Homer, etc), read post-modern stuff, read anything you can get your hands on but more than just what is ''modern''.

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Original post by runemaster
This is going to sound harsh, but if you''re going to write a book in English, you should first learn how to write in that language.
Also: if you honestly want to write a book, the first thing you need to do is read. And you need to read more than just Dragonball comics; read the classics (Shakespeare, Homer, etc), read post-modern stuff, read anything you can get your hands on but more than just what is ''modern''.

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I''m gonna have to agree with this. As harsh as it may be, it''s true.

"Ah..ic.. Mr.Relas?" <- This one had me shaking my head in disbelief. Shorthand is something you''re going to have to forget about completely.

I''ve never watched Dragonball, but I know enough to trace dozens of very obvious parallels between your story and the show. In fact, replacing a few names and words here and there, I''m pretty certain it would be an exact copy of the basic storyline. IIRC, it goes something like... Goku finds himself stranded, as a child, on a deserted island/place/thingie. Some guy finds him and raises him, and then dies, leaving him a dragonball. Then he sets off on a quest to get them all. Never having met people other than his "grandfather," he''s extremely naîve and reacts to situations pretty much like your character does. Someone feel free to correct me on various points I may be wrong on; I''m no expert at all. But this certainly sounds like the way the series begins.

Furthermore, concerning your writing style, your lack of descriptions is something you need to work on. Not only is your first chapter horribly short (this, in book format, would fit on a single page pretty much), it tells us nothing about what''s going on. We CAN gather that two characters, Bane and Dware, are talking. But what they are, what they look like (save for Dware being gnome-like), where they are, why they''re there; these questions are all fully unanswered.

The dialog is frankly somewhat painful and extremely unrealistic.
"Call me Bane "
"Shall i find you a place to stay? " asked Dware while shaking excitedly.
Unless it''s commonplace in your world for people to generously offer complete strangers a place to stay within seconds of meeting them, all the while shaking like they''ve been struct with a mind-numbing orgasm, it''s hard to find any traces of realism in the discussion. It feels as though you''re afraid to write; you just want to get straight to the point ASAP. Not a good thing to do.

You could have something good there, but if you plan on writing a novel and commercializing it, you''ve got somewhat of a long road to walk beforehand.