"Territories is the game I am actually trying to make, which Armageddon Chess provides a great prequel story... or not. If the entire PDU happened that would be great"...
I skimmed your post but it was way to long. This is part of the problem though. What is a PDU? Personal Destruction Unit? Portable Display Unit? Ohhhh Pirate Dawn Universe, it was in the URL which most people skip over, used in the first post. You cannot use an acronym before defining it for people. Unless you want them to feel stupid and likely leave. I looked over the post you used PDU in (quoted above) for it's definition, then over your original post. But I don't see it anywhere. Finally seeing it when I clicked the link a second time to check that page. I want my 30 seconds back.
I'm well aware I write a lot of fluff and dribble so I refrain from writing and designing and sticking to my strong suits. I think a few writing classes would help you out a lot. I'm just not that interested to do it myself, at this time. You could likely lose about 1/2 of what you wrote if it was better formed and more concise. I have zero interest in reading about history in a rule book unless it pertains to the rules.
Mike, I think the primary issue is that you have no reason to want to read it. Nobody does. I could definitely learn a lot from people who teach creative writing. There is no question about that. I did actually take a lot of English courses in college. I went to college on my own self-made "game design curriculum" in the late 1980s. I had already been designing games for several years, there was no such thing as a course in game or simulation design then. I went to college never intending to graduate and took courses I thought would help with game design. This amounted to lots and lots of English and writing because that seemed to be, by far, the most relevant thing to focus on while I was there. So I did actually take a lot of those courses at a state college for 2 years, but that was a very long time ago and I've always been a game designer forced to write and not a writer making games. Writers making games make RPGs... (Ducks for reviving a 50 year old jab at the RPG guys;-)
So I am not saying that it is some great writing of a story, or insulting you in anyway when I say that I think the main issue you are really trying to get at is that you have no reason to want to read it. Nor should you. It's not like Territories is on your hard drive waiting to play it once you catch up to the story... That's what the Armageddon Chess story is leading to, Territories. And it's not like it is the next installment in the Star Wars or Star Trek story or anything like that. Nobody has any reason to want to read it, or to get into it at all. That is a big problem I have with anyone even taking the time to read it, nobody has a reason to want to read it. Which I completely understand.
This is just my last try at finding a way to make at least just Territories and Rube. I don't actually expect anything to come of it, especially through the computer game industry. In fact, from the moment I posted this I have really put it out of my mind and forgotten about it, I am focused on making several different board games right now. There are people in that industry who will understand what I am talking about, I can probably make something happen there. Rube seems "indistinguishable from magic" to the rest of the world, as far as I can tell. I really want to make at least Territories as a computer game, and it is so much more as a computer game, but am making a board game version of it now that will probably actually get made. Unlike my computer games.
I'm on these forums to help, learn from, grow myself so I can help others better. It was just to wordy for what one is expecting and you're more or less telling everyone here we're wrong and you're right yet you're asking for help. So honestly, don't expect much. I had planned to read it, but it was to verbose for a rule book. It seemed to more belong in a backstory area. Those looking to clarify rules do not care in the least about backstory at that time.
Just my opinion. And the last I'll be in this thread. Best of luck.
