Wasn't sure where to post this, but this seemed like the place that it would fit the best.

I am currently writing my personal statement for my UCAS applications. I want to study Computer Science with Game Dev and am worried that my personal statement wont stand out enough to universities. Due to my predicted grades not being the best, my personal statement is going to have to be amazing, so I was wondering if anyone with experience would be able to help me out.

The course I'm aiming for: https://www.northumbria.ac.uk/study-at-northumbria/courses/computer-science-with-games-development-uuscsc3gad/#year-one

Here's what I have so far:

...

Any help or feedback would be greatly appreciated, thanks :)

Generally looks good although I say the paragraph about your father is out of place and is probably best removed.

For example, I used the bubble sort algorithm to order numbers and used the bin packing algorithm to organize items.

Bubble sort is one of the worst possible sorting algorithms you could use.

I recently started graduate school for a Masters in Computer Science at a top 5 university in the US this fall semester after a long break (BS degree in 2002). I had poor grades for my BS (C average). I felt the need to address the issues with my low GPA in my personal statement. I didn't make excuses but just wanted to convey where I had went wrong, what I have learned since then, and how I am able to do much better this time around.

You may want to address your low grades especially if they are significantly below what is expected to get in the school.

1. Trim it down to just the relevant stuff. NYC, Arizona, and Las Vegas are not relevant here. Nor is your father's profession - what matters is your interest in programming and game development. I'd remove the stuff about music and Germany - it's not relevant to getting a place on this course. But if you feel like you really need to sell yourself as a well-rounded individual, at least keep it down to a couple of lines.

2. Check your English. Your statement has grammatical errors right from the first sentence, giving a bad first impression. You're also putting proper nouns in quotes (unnecessary), and putting commas in random places (e.g. between methods and developers). Computer programmers need an eye for detail, so you had better show that you have one and are applying it to your personal statement.

3. Microsoft’s Tay.ai system was actually quite basic, so you might not want to imply that it's cutting edge research.

More suggestions:

http://university.which.co.uk/advice/personal-statements/10-things-to-put-in-your-personal-statement

At the OP's request the content of the personal statement from the initial post has been removed due to concerns about plagiarism software generating a false positive against the statement. Feel free to continue to respond with general advice regarding personal statements for college or university admissions.