I'm working on a script for a visual novel I'm hoping to get developed. I have a bit of trouble with various aspects of writing, but I still love it. I'm just wondering if I can get some pointers, and help on what I've got so far. My weak points are: Fleshing out ideas, and not having everything seem rushed.
I started defining Abel as a tougher character after the accident, so there's going to be some character incosistacnies part way through chapter 1. I need a lot of advice, so feel free to shoot me some.
INTRO FLASHBACK: FALSE MEMORY
YARD - DAY
FADE IN:
PAN IMAGE: Abel’s home, a beautiful property built on the salary of an accomplished accountant.
TRANSITION: Dissolve.
ABEL’S ENTRY - DAY
[Abel] Honey, I’m home.
[Abel] Honey?
[Abel] Where is she off to?
[Abel] Honey?
[Wife] I’m in here…
TRANSITION: Dissolve.
ABEL’S LIVINGROOM - DAY
IMAGE: Abel’s wife is waiting for him dressed in sexy clothing.
[Wife] It’s about time you got home. Long day at work?
[Abel] It’s always a long day keeping books. The office was rushed, but luckily I was able to get out of there early.
[Abel] Just like I promised.
[Abel] You look beautiful by the way.
[Wife] I do, don’t I?
[Abel] Too beautiful.
[Wife] *Laughs*
[Wife] Thanks.
[Wife] I didn’t want to waste your only early day this month, so I prepared something special for us… I hope you like it.
PAN IMAGE: Coffee table set up with frills, flowers, and a bottle of whine.
[Abel] Wow, you really went out of your way this time, didn’t you?
[Wife] We deserve it, don’t we? How longs it been?
[Abel] Too long.
[Abel] Maybe later we could…
[Wife] Shh...
[Wife] Come.
Dissolve: Fade screen black.
SOUND: Bottle top popping. Giggling.
SOUND: Pouring of wine.
CHAPTER 1: STRANGE NIGHT
TAVERN - NIGHT (Future)
TEXT: 10 years later.
PAN IMAGE: A glass of whiskey sitting on the bar. Ashtray filled with butts.
IMAGE: Abel’s eyes looking tired… Lost.
IMAGE: Abel’s glass of whiskey on the bar.
ANIMATION:Screen flashes white, the glass cracks in front of Abel.
SOUND: Glass crashing, as if a car accident.
TRANSITION: Dissolve.
PAN IMAGE: Crashed car. A woman lying dead in the road. A baby carriage laid on its side.
SOUND: Sirens in the distance.
TRANSITION: Dissolve.
ANIMATION: Glass un-cracks.
[Abel] No! Not again… I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.
[Abel] Why can’t you just leave me the hell alone?
[Bartender] Are you alright?
IMAGE: Bartender wiping counter.
[Bartender] You look a little lost.
[Abel] I’m fine.
[Bartender] You sure, man?
[Abel] Yeah...
[Abel] Get me another one. I’m not big on idle chat these days.
SOUND: Door opening.
[Bartender] You got it.
IMAGE: Rough looking men coming in off the street.
SOUND: Liquor pouring.
IMAGE: Leader of the ruffian pack.
[Leader] Did you see the way that chick looked at me?
[Ruffian] She was looking at me, dummy.
[Leader] You wish she was looking at you!
[Leader] A girl like that wouldn’t be interested in someone like you!
[Ruffian] How do you know?
[Leader] Real woman, like real men.
[Leader] You hardly fit the bill!
[Ruffian] Gee, thanks.
TRANSITION: FLASH.
PAN IMAGE: Abel’s eyes looking annoyed.
SOUND: Cup set down.
[Bartender] Here you go.
[Abel] Thanks.
TRANSITION: Flash.
SOUND: Leader of ruffians bumping into glass.
TRANSITION: Flash.
PAN IMAGE: Whiskey glass overturned. Ruffian standing beside Abel.
TRANSITION: Dissolve.
IMAGE: Ruffian leader doesn’t look serious, smug look on face.
[Leader] Oh… Sorry, buddy *Laugh*
[Leader] Get me a drink, bartender. I could use a stiff one.
[Ruffian] Me too.
TRANSITION: Dissolve
IMAGE: Bartender.
[bartender] You’re too drunk to be in here, boys!
[Bartender] Go on!
[Bartender] Get out of here!
[Leader] G-Get me a damn drink, old man!
[Leader] Now!
[Bartender] Get out!
TRANSITION: Flash white.
IMAGE: Abel stands, knocking aside the leader.
[Abel] I’m not your buddy, kid.
IMAGE: Leader knocked back. Face looks startled.
ANIMATION: Leaders face turns into a begrudging look.
[Leader] - Oh-Ho! A tough guy?
[Ruffian] - You’re gonna regret that, dude.
IMAGE: Ruffians preparing for fight. Two ruffians beside leader rubbing their knuckles.
TRANSITION: Battle start transition.
[Battle with ruffians. Player loses.]
ALLEY - NIGHT
IMAGE: Abel getting tossed out of the bar, into a trash heap.
PAN IMAGE: Abel lying in trash heap, rubbing his head.
IMAGE: Abel laying in the rubbish.
[Abel] Ugh… My head.
[Abel] My damn head.
IMAGE: Abel standing by the garbage.
[Abel] Punks…
[Abel] Who do they think they?
IMAGE: Abel looking around.
[Abel] Maybe I better get home.
[Abel] It’s been a long night.
IMAGE: Abel staggering down the alley.
[Abel] This should cut down the walk.
IMAGE: Farther down the alley. Fire glowing in the distance. Two homeless guys are standing near a fire.
[Homeless1] Damn, it’s pretty chilly out here, man.
IMAGE: Homeless2 breaths into his hands.
[Homeless2] Yea’ and I haven’t ate all day, either.
[Homeless2] Missed the kitchen to do some paperwork for the shelter payment support system.
[Homeless1] I got a leftover sandwich.
[Homeless2] Want it?
IMAGE: Homeless2’s eyes light up.
[Homeless2] Sure, man.
[Homeless2] Thanks.
IMAGE: Abel nears the garbage can.
IMAGE: Homeless2 starts to look sick.
[Homeless2] I don’t…
[Homeless2] Ugh...Feel so good.
[Homeless1] You alright?
[Homeless1] Buddy?
IMAGE: Change comes over homeless2. His eyes glow dark neon purple.
[Homeless1] Ben?
[Homeless1] Ugh.. Arg!
IMAGE: Change comes over homeless1 and his eyes glow purple as well.
[Abel] - What the hell is going on?
[Homeless1] Time to die.
[Abel] H- hold on.
[Abel] What do think you’re getting at?
TRANSITION: Battle transition.
[During this fight Abel is able to pick up a pipe for his first weapon]
IMAGE: The homeless men are lying dead on the ground.
IMAGE: Abel looks puzzled.
[Abel] Oh God, what did I do?
[Abel] I killed them...
IMAGE: Homeless2 with strange fluid leaking out of his mouth.
[User clicks fluid to advance.]
IMAGE: Abel has fluid on his fingertips.
ANIMATION: Crosshairs circle the fluid. A readout on the screen shows this is oil.
[Abel] Oil… HY-280.
[Abel] How do I know this?
SOUND: Commotion at the end of the alley.
IMAGE: Abel looks startled.
IMAGE: More glowing neon purple eyes at the end of the alley.
TRANSITION: Flash… Screen white.
VOID - UNKNOWN
TEXT: You’re all alone…
[Abel] Wha- Who are you?!
TEXT: They’re all alone inside…
[Abel] What are you talking about!?
TRANSITION: Dissolve.
ALLEY - NIGHT
IMAGE: Abel looking around.
IMAGE: Doorway.
[Voice] Go in…
IMAGE: Glowing eyes getting closer.
[Abel] I gotta get out of here.
SOUND: Door opening.
ABANDONED APARTMENTS ENTRANCE - NIGHT
IMAGE: By door.
[Abel] What the hell’s going on out there?
[Abel] This can’t be happening.
[Abel] I got to get this door blocked.
[Abel can click a piece of bent medal to put it in the door handle]
IMAGE: Medal bar in the door.
SOUND: Banging on the door.
ANIMATION: Door moving with pounding.
[Abel] Great.
[Abel] I gotta get out of here.
IMAGE: Hallway.
[Voice] Through…
SOUND: Static glitch
[Voice] Through here, Dennis.
[Abel] De- Who’s Dennis?
[Abel] I’m not Dennis!
SOUND: Static glitch.
[Voice] Come on Dr. Bower. Down the hall.
IMAGE: Hall.
ANIMATION: Overlay a hospital like hallway.
SOUND: Crack noise.
IMAGE OVERLAY ANIMATION: Overlay opaque slow pulsing red cracks.
[Abel] Argh!
IMAGE: Abel on his knees.
[Abel] God, my head hurts.
[Voice] Hurry. There isn’t much time.
HALLWAY - NIGHT
IMAGE: In hallway.
[Voice] Keep going…
IMAGE: hallway walking by apartment rooms.
IMAGE OVERLAY: Apartments of hallway turns into wards, with glass windows.
IMAGE: Looking in one of the windows. Patient is sitting on floor rocking back and forth.
[Voice] Dr. Bowen, the patient is showing signs of neurological unrest.
[Abel] Who is this guy?
Sound: Abel knocking on the window.
[Abel] Hello?
IMAGE: Patient is alerted.
SOUND: Siren.
[Voice] Dr. Bowen, there’s a level yellow situation in genetical containment.
[Abel] What?
IMAGE: Abel walks the hallway. Hallway looks normal again.
IMAGE: Glowing neon purple eyes at the end of the hallway.
IMAGE: Rats emerge from the darkness with glowing eyes.
[Abel] Not again.
TRANSITION: Battle transition.
[Commence battle with transanimal rats.]
[Abel] What the hell were those things?!
[Abel] Those rats weren’t normal.
[Abel] How can this happen?
ANIMATION: Electronic particles.
IMAGE: A young boy.
[Abel] - W- Who the hell are you?
[Boy] - Through here...
IMAGE: Boy points towards second hallway.
[Abel] Wait.
ANIMATION: The boy vanishes.
TRANSITION: Dissolve.
[Abel] - Ugh!
[Abel] - Whatever. I’m getting out of here.
ABANDONED APARTMENT SECOND HALLWAY - NIGHT
IMAGE: SECOND HALLWAY
[Abel] - Where too now?
IMAGE: Farther down the hall there’s a door with a metal box beside it.
[Abel] - An exit!
IMAGE: Abel walks to the door.
[Mouse click the door to find out it’s locked.]
[Sound] - Door rattles
[Abel] - Damn!
[Voice] - Use the computer panel.
[Mouse click the panel to open computer lock]
ANIMATION: Panel opened.
[Click panel to place hand on computer.]
IMAGE: Abel’s hand on the computer.
Abel - I can feel it.
Abel - It’s alive.
Abel - I can feel its vibrations, like a heart beating under my palm.
[Lock game - Match Game]
SOUND: Lock opening.
Abel - Got it.
[Click door to open it.]
TRANSITION: Dissolve.
LEINSTER ST - NIGHT
IMAGE: Abel stands on the street at night.
PAN IMAGE: Empty Street.
[Abel] I’m going home before I get killed out here.
[Abel] Whatever those things are, I’ve had enough of them.
[Abel] I’m not about to be stomped to death by some steroid junkies on a new drug.
[Map icon flashes in upper corner - Abel is able to travel home.]
HOME ENTRANCE - NIGHT
IMAGE: Abel standing in doorway.
[Abel] I’ve had as much of this day as I can take.
[Abel] I’m ready for bed.
IMAGE: Abel hangs his coat on a hanger by the door.
[Abel] Lock the door!
IMAGE: Abel puts the deadbolt in place.
[Abel] Now bed.
TRANSITION: Dissolve.
HOME BEDROOM - NIGHT
IMAGE: Abel is in his room.
[Abel] - Sleep.
[Abel] now...
IMAGE: Abel lying in bed.
[Abel] - Hopefully I won’t wake up tomorrow.
[Abel] - Or ever.
TRANSITION: Dissolve Black.
