It was her husband, equally grandiose, asking in an accusative tone if it was your intent to insult his wife by asking her where the corned beef hash was. He subsequently blessed your face with a blackened and swollen eye socket, taking his blob of a wife underneath his arm while they laughed all the way to the checkout.

This would be believable if he laughed like a pirate all the way to the check out..

better than a lot of the stuff I had to read in college-level English classes...

otherwise, I suspect motivations may come into play:

the majority of people will act in their own interests if no one is hurt by it (1);

a minority of people will act in their own interests if people are hurt by it (2);

another minority will take a passive approach (3);

...

1: so the characters' responses are "fairly normal" in this sense. they will try to grab it, but let it slide if someone else manages to get it first.

2: say, someone else spots and reaches for the money, main character shoves them over or punches them out to get to it, or tries to grab it from them and get away before too much attention is raised.

3: they are willing to let someone else have it, but will probably still claim it if no one else does, others might decide whether or not to grab it based on whether or not anyone is likely to see them do so, ...

to some extent, this will vary some based on the value of the money, for example, more people will tend towards 2 if the value is greater (say, $1000), or towards 3 if it is less, say it is a $5 bill, ...

OTOH, a person might be more willing to help others based to some extent on how much they are likely to personally benefit from it, like if they will get something >= whatever they have to invest into it, though probably with some individual weighting factors (and typically based more on social barter than on explicit monetary values or material goods). like, say, a person that is nice to someone mostly for sake of trying to get something from them, a jerkface will just try to take it from them (using guilt, coercion, threats of violence, ...), and a "nice" person will usually leave it more optional as to whether or not there is any sort of payback, ...

similarly, peoples' behavior may be kept in check for sake of fear of retribution from others, ... (like, if harm is done to someone else, they are more likely to try to "get even" in one way or another, ...).

with pretty much all of this going on at a societal level, sort of making a large implicit social value-network (leading to the existence of things like laws and governments, police forces, various military organizations, ...).

or such...

Interesting. Thank you for your thoughts; they have influenced the story.

Part 2

Still fuming, I flipped it over and saw the writing. With a Sharpie, someone had written “Want the rest? Text!” and then a number.

It's like being in the stall, without being in the stall.

Still fuming, I flipped it over and saw the writing. With a Sharpie, someone had written “Want the rest? Text!” and then a number.

It's like being in the stall, without being in the stall.

Agreed. It's like someone wrote half of a story on a stall door with a 900 number you'd need to call. Just ask for Shakespear.

That would only be the case if above was written "Here I sit my buns-a-flexin.."

That would only be the case if above was written "Here I sit my buns-a-flexin.."

Continue, please. We need to know what happens next.

Technically if you have visibly more than 50% of a bill you can exchange it for a good one at the bank or mail it to the treasury.

Here in the UK it's technically illegal to make off with money you find, it's called "theft by finding". You are supposed to hand it into a police station and if no-one claims it within some period of time (30 days I think) the money is yours. I think they are trying to change the law so you can make off with small amounts though ;)

But that prompts the moral question: If you found a wallet stuffed with money and a picture ID of a sweet old lady inside, along with her address, but you were opposite a police station - would you spend the money on drugs or prostitutes?

That would only be the case if above was written "Here I sit my buns-a-flexin.."

Continue, please. We need to know what happens next.

Oh, I will but I am bound by the dictates of my own stipulations to allow the implications the story to age like a fine wine.. or some such nonsense.

Technically if you have visibly more than 50% of a bill you can exchange it for a good one at the bank or mail it to the treasury.

A U.S. bill must have at least 1 and one half of the 2 serial numbers to still be considered legal tender. So, more than 1/4 of the bill missing (on one side) will make it no longer viable.
When it comes to mutilated money- not just torn or missing but severely damaged most banks/treasuries will require at least 50% of the bill intact and a good reason for the bills condition. Most mutilated money will need to be thoroughly inspected by a representative of the treasury and it will be left to their discretion.

This was an example of copying just anything off the internet and passing it off like it's fact.