Thanks for the advice, very nice point of view of the story. Everything is great, something like this I always had in mind, but I always thought, that would be a cliche, and it will look like something else. But I think you're right many games are based on cliches, like Max Payne, GTA, etc.

Once again thanks for the advice

OK, thanks for the advice. In the begining I though, to make a story that would just be the excuse plot to start shooting, but after reading this, I really got some ideas.

And I thought story to be about the money to pay of debts, like in the Payback.

Noddy,

there are a fill problems in you idea.

- first: what's wrong with cliches? There's a lot of stories with common plots. it all depends on how you manage the plot to show your story. This article gives a good idea of the basic plots to start.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Thirty-Six_Dramatic_Situations

- Second: you need more details about genre. TPS is too big. It could be something like GTA, wiht a giant story, lots and lots of turn arounds, etc. But it also could be something like Max Payne, with levels, more linear. Without this its hard to give any tip. Anyway, a good start is to define why the character was shot.

first: what's wrong with cliches? There's a lot of stories with common plots. it all depends on how you manage the plot to show your story.

I don't have anything against cliches, it just that every time I wrote a draft of the story somone would come and say: "You know what wasn't that in that game that I played, or movie,...."

And I read book on game design and writing, and they all said that your story must be something original, and groundbreaking. But my main problem is finding a good reason for betrayal.

As for the game it's something like Max Payne, with a strong plot, with levels that aren't all too much linear.

Whichever idea you choose, it will always sound like a cliche if it's summed up in 2-3 sentences, so I wouldn't worry about that. Look at Final Fantasy V plot summary for example: there are these 4 warriors that find 4 crystals with powers of the 4 elements. You can't be more cliche than that, yet the story was considered really deep and engaging.

I would gladly help you some more, but I know too little about the game - "TPS" isn't exactly the description of mechanics and these need to be taken into consideration when writing a story. Think twice what narrative means you want to use for this game and how story-heavy you want it to be when you are having doubts when putting together a very, very general plot.

Remember, that even the worst movie can be sometimes saved by a good actor. Even most cliche story can be saved by a well-thought of character. If you are having a problem developing a main hero, treat it like an RPG - decide on the gender/class/skills/attributes and all that stuff. Do all you can not to make the character OP, give it some faults (just don't make it a bearded alcoholic - Raynor and Payne pretty much stole the show here), also try to give a chance for the player to identify with at least some of your hero's characteristics. For example, f you make it 100% cold-blooded bastard people might find it too abstract.

Good luck!

So I have been working on the story and the characters, and here is what I created. In game you assume a role of Michael Porter a criminal who has been betrayed. I wrote the story, (its synapsis) so here goes:

"Owning 150,000 dollars, to the Mafia, Michael Porter made a plan to rob a payroll van. With the help of his girlfriend Sarah Johnson, and his friend Shane Brooks, he managed to rob the payroll van smoothly. There was almost 250,000 dollars, which was more than enough. When Michael finished packing his share of the money, Shane said that he would never payoff that debt. Then he pointed his gun at Michael and explained that if he kills him he would do Mafia a favor, and also would make a name for himself. Michael tries to pull his gun out, but Brooks shoots him twice, and leaves him to die.

After spending six months recovering, Michael gets a gun from his stash and starts looking for Brooks. Sarah tells him that she was tracking Brooks for three months, before he went silent. Now he is nowhere to be found, like he just disappeared. The last she saw him was in the “Archer Hotel”. Michael goes there, only to be ambushed by the mafia that knew his was coming. After the shootout, he finds letters addressed to Brooks with his new address. He heads there when he receives a phone call from Brooks, who tells him that he has Sarah with him and that he is waiting in Michael’s apartment. Michael storms the place kills three goons and finds Brooks pointing his gun at tied up Sarah. Michael enters the room, but Brooks shoots Sarah, and escapes through the fire escape. Michael tries to save her, but she is already fatally shot. He goes through the fire escape and starts chasing Brooks. He eventually corners
Brooks, asks him about the job, and he finds out that he didn’t had choice, and that the mafia ordered him to kill them both. Michael learns where the mafia key people are, and then he massacres Brooks. He first heads for the bosses right hand man Johnson, who he finds in the mafia owned bar. After a shootout and chase he finds out from Johnson, that the boss is the man named Marvin and that he will get to him. Michael shoots him in the leg and picks up his car keys. As he leaves the bar he is captured and taken to the “Archer Hotel”. There he manages to get free and learns that the Marvin is in the top suite. Michael manages to get to the top suite where he confronts Marvin and shoots him. He takes the money from the safe, and in that moment the police arrives and arrests him."

I need you to tell me what you think about this, and give me some feedback. Please be as honest as you can, so I can learn on my mistakes. And also this is my third, or forth draft, just so you know that it's not final.

Thanks in advance,

Noddy92

There are some elements that make me wonder about the overall game design: "Michael shoots him in the leg". Why in the leg is not important. What's important is that it most likely will be a cutscene. There's maybe nothing wrong with that, but when I read the synopsis again, I find out that pretty much everything you wrote there is like a movie script and I am having a really hard time seeing where the player gets to actually do something or decide something as trivial as shooting in the leg or somewhere else...

Really hard to help you here, without knowing even the basics of the game's design and how much story-driven it is going to be.

You're right it looks like a movie script, but it's because I don't know how else to write it. I looked at other game design from other people, like Doom Bible, or Fallout, and the story synapsis was always like a movie script. You know what I mean, like when you open wikipedia about a game, and there it is plot, shortened so that everyone can understand. This game is going to be strongly story driven, just imagine Max Payne from a diffrent perspective.

But did you liked it? Is it too cliche or not?

Game scripts are usually really basic and cliche, so I wouldn't worry about it. However, if the game is going to be strongly story-driven, then in my opinion you will have to squeeze in some more original elements. Something people saw only dozens, not thousands of times. Something that will make them stop for a while and think or some turn of events they weren't anticipating or at least wasn't obvious. As a base, your story can be worked with. Depending how you lead it with dialogues and character development, it can either become crappy or nicely told.

I don't want to say whether I liked it or disliked, as my opinion is strongly biased. I generally don't like story/dialogue-heavy games. I prefer designs like ICO or Dark Souls, where the story is told by gameplay, not by cutscenes.

Thanks for the advice, man. I really to like when the story is told through the gameplay, but I guess there is nothing wrong with a couple of cutscenes. I'll go now and work on the game and its story.

Once again thanks for your time and advice,

Noddy92

Ahhhh, you see I'd like to tweak your story a bit. You know what I love seeing in scripts such as this? not the classic "friend betrayal", but rather a betrayal within a betrayal.

Let's do this on Sarah.

Up to the point where Brook gives you phone call, I won't change. But after that yes.

We'll start with the phone call.

Have Brooke's (you don't know this, it's a mystery man) say something along the lines of "

Here the story will progress where upon he goes back to where his girlfriend is, only to be jumped on by three men who knock him unconscious He gets blindfolded and taken, and when his blindfold is taken off his girlfriend is standing there.

Except she's standing next to the Mafia Boss (whom you know by now).

At first you are confused, but as the betrayal finally sinks in you scream in agony, where upon someone knocks you unconscious again.

Then the mystery man comes to save you, yelling at you to hurry and leave with him. Soon after that you discover he is Brooks, and learn that it was Sarah who betrayed you all those years ago, and that he had escaped with you and gone into hiding. About a month ago his place was discovered, and he saw the hospital surrounded by mafia. He left, in order to find a way to help me.

Then they get surrounded etc., and find out that letting me live was a way to catch my friend.

Don't need to continue, but you get the idea. This twists the plot further, you could take it even further but there is no need.