Good evening, this is my first post so I apologise if I break any rules. I am looking for feedback on the story for a browser game I am designing. Any thoughts or comments are welcome.

The game will be a Pokémon style RPG, which captures, trains and battles undead creatures instead of cute monsters, with FF6 style graphics and game play. The story is a basic Joseph Campbell ‘Heroes Journey’.



Set in a fantasy world where too many people have learned (or been born with) the powers of necromancy, the land is overrun with undead and necromancers, vying for territory, forming alliances and lusting after more power.

Prologue
You play Harper, a teenage orphan in a quiet fishing village (player's choice of boy or girl). One day his village is overrun and destroyed by necromancers and undead, and his closest childhood friend is killed in the chaos. In his panic, Harper uses his grandfather’s book of magic to try to save his friend, but accidently fuses her soul into a sewing mannequin (think... Sally from The Night Before Christmas).

Body
Harper must embrace his new powers and sets upon a quest to find a way to restore his friend to full life. Harper will ally himself with different factions of necromancers who each promise him a different path to his goal, and challenge the player’s emotional intelligence with life and death storyline choices.
The end-game will have Harper and his companions descend into the underworld (inspired by Dante’s Descent into Hell) where he will face various gods of death (Hades, Pluto, Thanatos, Odin).

Epilogue
Here’s the twist, once you acquire the power to save your friend at the end of the game, the player will have the choice to restore her to life, or let her pass on peacefully into the afterlife, hopefully making for a really emotionally engaging finale.



Thank you for reading, I tried to keep it short, but I can elaborate on any element if you wish.

While I do like the story, the pokemon-style RPG won't fit. What your aiming to do is immerse the player into, what I assume is a heavily story-based game, especially since your focusing on a friend who was killed and you wish to save. A pokemon atmosphere would just not suit the type of gameplay you are imagining.

I suggest you go for more of a diablo 2 style, look it up on youtube and you'll see what I mean. A 2D or 2.5D style would also be better, and maybe 3D cutscenes? Since you want to immerse the player into the heart-wrenching story.

I suggest you also have a sort of Bioshock affect, where your choices actually affect your doll/friend ( or in bioshock, his little sister). This would eventually lead to a twist in the end story plot, so you would still have the two basic choices but depending on how you acted gave those two choices another sub-choice each. So a good and bad choic of one, and a good and bad choice of the other.

Since it is also necromancy, you should have some "loyal soldiers" as such. Special ones you summoned at the start who help you along the way, and maybe have some suggestions in the story-line of a sacrifice to make someone alive again (make the choice more heart-wrenching as well). I have various other thoughts, but just focus on these.

What your game appears to be to me is heavily story-based, and yet maintains the gameplay unlike what a lot of games do. It's one of the reasons that made Bioshock so successful, people thoroughly enjoyed the story and yet loved the gameplay just as much.

Hello, thank you for all the feedback, it is very much appreciated.

I agree the art style should be something similar to Diablo. I should clarify-

When I said 'a Pokemon style RPG' I mean't in terms of gameplay and mechanics. The player will control the main character exploring towns, world map, dungeons, encountering wild undead and also battling other necromancers who have undead minions. The player's minions will level up, evolve, learn new actions. In terms of mechanics it will almost be a Pokemon clone, but yes a totally different art style.

3D animations will depend on time and budget but yes I would love to include them for cut-scenes. And I am exploring dialogue options that will change certain elements of the story, at the moment I am playing around with optional romantic story-lines, unless it confuses things too much.

I am glad you seem to see potential in my concept, I am interested in any other thoughts you might be willing to write, and I will work on figuring out why I can't seem to upload pictures on here for you to see some of the concept art.

Had you considered an overall cultural settting for the back-drop to the story?

The obvious selection is the standard one (European / American) but you could give it an interesting and distinctive slant by using something starkly different from the norm (Chinese; Native American; Sub-Arctic). Just a thought.

I agree that having a less-used cultural setting would give the game a lot of interesting flavor.
Unfortunately I am learning so many new things just designing this game (technical and art areas) that studying a new culture would make it too big of a task.

Maybe for an expansion though...

Depends.

If its not set on Earth (or if its set in some fantasy past or future) you wouldn't necessarily have to wrestle with existing cultures, you could just imagine how a new one might have evolved, based on your precept of undead on the rampage.

Think of some of the classic anime films (Fist of the NorthStar) - they don't try to tie their culture to existing modern day ones.....

Ah I see what you mean.

Yes it will be a fantasy past, the land divided up between 5 factions who each have a different culture and architecture, so that will inform most of the setting.

I will upload a world map concept I have created when I get home. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Hey Got_Rhythm..I think your storyline was perfect. It's different, unique, original, creative and imaginative. Keep going with it I like how you give the player choices which switches up the direction of the game...so that one you can play the game more than once.

Hey MM, thank you for the feedback, that is very kind.

I am having trouble uploading content here, so please visit my website if you want to see more-
www.necromancergame.com

There is a world map, early concept art, faction details, and a forum.