Greetings,

TyberthiaGaming here. Yesterday, or maybe it was today...waking up middle of the night makes it hard to say, I got a luminous idea for a story for a simple game. So I wrote it down on a piece of paper and returned to my dream world where I set out to collect the seven rings of gold to rescue the princess from the evil round bubble of doom. Good times, indeed.

Now morning has come, the sun has risen. I read my little note and had a hard time figuring out what I meant with "Master Landlord". Many inner debates and cups of coffee later, I once again realized the luminous idea was. It was nothing but a mere game setting, rather than a complete game idea filled with inventive solutions for game mechanics and the likes.

Nonetheless, bravely I opened my word processor and type. out the story in my mind. Being a simple game that in the end will require little back story, I nonetheless came up with this and I now share it with your for your entertainment and enjoyment:

For most a sad event, but for you a chance; the death of a distant, unknown relative. As her sole relative and thus heir, you inherit a small, yet auspicious apartment building. Seizing this opportunity, you quit your boring old job of turning hamburger patties at the local fast food restaurant and decide to become a landlord.

However, you will soon realize that being a landlord is more than just cashing in cheques from the residents. How long will you last with the neurotic residents snooping through your trash, partying students destroying your precious room and natural disasters aiming to bring down your gold mine?

Will you master the art of being a landlord or will this end with you and a mental asylum?
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Now what I wonder is:

Is well written?
Do others at least get the image I am trying to create?
Is this a game idea really as "easy" to implement as I think it can be?

Other hints, ideas and critiques are also welcome.

PS: This is but practice material, to master writing skills. By no means it is intended to be developed into a real game in the near future.

s this a game idea really as "easy" to implement as I think it can be?

The first question: where is your game idea ? You have described a setting, but not a game at all. Is it a tower sim, sims , a fps game, an arcade game,a strategy game, a detective game, a chat room, little computer game ...

A story can be part of a game, but is never a game on itself.

In reading your above description, it strikes me that what you are essentially talking about is a Sim game.

Similar examples to your idea:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SimTower
http://www.appfreakb...cket-frogs.html
https://play.google....amheights&hl=en
http://www.giantbomb...-life/61-22210/

I don't know a of a Sim Game that falls into an exact (or close to exact) setting such as yours. So you may have found a niche within a larger niche game area.

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Some points to consider:

• Were you describing a Sim game. If you weren't, then the very first thing that matters in your writing is that you have failed to communicate your idea successfully (at least to me that is).
  
• In trying to describe an idea, don't forget the only person who knows what you are talking about is yourself. That means you need to communicate everything that matters. For example Ashaman73 illustrates this point well when he asks you what type of game it is. Would you have been better of saying; I had this idea for an apartment block management sim game called "Master Landlord" (insert story)?
  
  In terms of your actual writing, I don't have any real criticism other than to say (to me), it is a marketing fluff piece rather than descriptive of anything in depth that the game would consist of. In calling it a fluff piece though I would still want more as in what you have written is the top half of the back of a box and not the lower half which I would expect more details of the type of play involved.
  
  In terms of the actual story...it is far from original: flipping burgers (deadend job), inheritance from sole unknown relative, sudden upthrust of responsibility, delicate house of cards to build on or be destroyed by -- these are all fairly common themes. That doesn't make it bad, it comes down to how you tell the story. At the moment it is better than some and worse than others i.e. about average and probably a touch better than a lot of the writing that I have seen come through these forums (but that is not necessarily a compliment to a large portion of the writing I have seen here).
  
  
  At the end of the day what you have is a kernel, you cannot expect too much critical (writing) advice to be given to you as what you have provided is a very small sample.
  
  
  Edit: On the off chance you were effectively asking how your writing was, as English is not your first language. Then my answer is I have no complaints and you write well enough to be understood.

First, I believe I must thank both for their response. I really ought to stop mixing up terms like game idea and setting. At least Stormynature guessed correctly the setting would be applied to a simple, very simple sim game, the type that a beginner can make.

I carefully read and re-read your comments and took notes from it. Most of them were spot on. I really ought to be careful not to forget that I still need to write out everything in this silly head of mine.

I only have one personal note of criticism when it comes to these comments:

On the off chance you were effectively asking how your writing was, as English is not your first language. Then my answer is I have no complaints and you write well enough to be understood.

I am rather proud person, one who actually takes pride in his English skills even though he is not a native speaker. I personally would prefer to receive comments without any regard for whether I am or am not a native speaker. I would prefer to have the whole truth, rather than a watered down version just because I am not a native speaker.

I do understand you do this to be considerate for which I thank you, but for future reference you should not spare my feelings. Corrections and criticisms are always business, so I take no personal offense to them when given.

I am reading game writing posts at 100 miles per hour because there are so many of them, and replies are so verbose. So I think this is a semi-accurate simulation of a player with a "short attention span" trying to either get into the writing you present, or finding it lacking and their attention wandering off to somewhere else. In other words, I'm starting by skimming your writing, and only if I see something that grabs my attention, do I lock on and start reading more carefully. So how is the writing doing from the standpoint of a basically disinterested, if not hostile audience?

For most a sad event, but for you a chance; the death of a distant, unknown relative. As her sole relative and thus heir, you inherit a small, yet auspicious apartment building. Seizing this opportunity, you quit your boring old job of turning hamburger patties at the local fast food restaurant and decide to become a landlord.

However, you will soon realize that being a landlord is more than just cashing in cheques from the residents. How long will you last with the neurotic residents snooping through your trash, partying students destroying your precious room and natural disasters aiming to bring down your gold mine?

Will you master the art of being a landlord or will this end with you and a mental asylum?

My opinion is, you are wasting too many sentences at the beginning with stuff nobody cares about, in an effort to do some kind of creative writing exercise with flowery words. Get to the point, and make it interesting. Or at least short. My rewrite:

You quit your boring job turning hamburger patties.
You become a landlord.
It is more than just cashing cheques.
Neurotic residents snoop through your trash.
Partying students destroy your precious rooms.
Natural disasters threaten all.
How long will you last?
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