You all remember the synopsis I mentioned where people were misinterpreting the personality of the female main character? I wrote up a simplified version of that for a different project (Dramatica-related) so I figured I'd post it here. I don't desperately need critique on it or anything, but if you happen to have any comments on it I'll be interested to hear them.

Synopsis For Romantic Comedy "Baby Rabies and Soulmate Magic" (Obviously a working title, lol)

A single woman [Omilla] decides she wants a child and is secure enough financially and socially to raise a child by herself. She'd really rather have a loving mate who would help her raise a child, but she's failed to find that for years and she's tired of waiting. She'll take one last shot at it - there is a town nearby which has strong local beliefs and traditions about soulmates and helping them find each other. If this succeeds, wonderful, she'll get her baby because her soulmate will sire it. But if (when) it fails, that town is a good vacationing place where she can go to a bar and pick up a one-night-stand to sire her baby.

The woman is introduced to the idea of soulmate locating magic. Traditionally all the men in the town choose a pretty stone and perform a spell to make that stone call to the man's soulmate. These are placed in a garden anyone can walk through. The woman doesn't really believe in magic but finds the idea charming. She walks through the garden admiring the stones and is surprised when one seems to call to her. She is afraid to hope that it will really lead her to her soulmate because she can't face the pain of being disappointed again. So instead of going through the usual channels of publicly claiming the stone and being introduced to its creator, she steals the stone and covertly looks up who created it in the public directory.

Now she disguises herself, making herself seem older and/or less attractive so that even a real soulmate would not feel strongly attracted to her if he saw her. She poses as a servant of "the woman who felt drawn by the stone" and interviews the stone's creator [Varan] using a matchmaking questionnaire. The man answers all the questions the way the woman wants to hear except the most important one - when asked about children he says he doesn't like children and doesn't particularly want any. Barely managing to hide her crushing disappointment the woman says this concludes the interview and leaves.

The woman is depressed but her path now seems clear - return the stone to the garden so hopefully someone else will feel drawn to it and be the man's soulmate, because he seemed really hopeful and eager at the prospect of finally meeting his fated lover. She knows this will be difficult, maybe even painful, because the spell on the stone calls to her such that she wants to hold it close and is very reluctant to abandon it. She feels guilty for having got the man's hopes up only to dash them by rejecting him. This would be particularly embarrassing and pitiable in local culture if it were known that a man was rejected by his soulmate. She hits on the idea of doing the man an anonymous favor which will make him happy, and decides this will karmically balance out her rejection of him. Satisfied with this, she proceeds to try to carry out her plan.

The anonymous favor part works great, it does make the man very happy and she doesn't get caught. Putting the stone back makes her cry, but she manages to do it and is somewhat proud of herself afterwards for having done the right thing. The one night stand part, however, does not go so well. She goes to the bar, acceptably nice and attractive men flirt with her, but she just cannot bring herself to be interested in any of them after having met someone so close to perfect. So she finds herself back where she started the act, in her hotel room wracking her brains about what to do. She has an epiphany - she has been so concerned about the man's potential unhappiness that she hasn't given fair consideration to her own needs. What the man doesn't know won't hurt him - she will appear to him looking attractive, get him to sleep with her, if necessary lie about being on birth control, then once she's sure she's pregnant she'll go home with her baby, and he'll be left with a nice memory and never be put upon by being asked to help raise a child he's not interested in.

The woman sleeps with the man, gets herself pregnant, and returns to her hometown according to plan. However the man finds he can't stand the fact that she's gone. The affair had distracted him from the odd experience of the matchmaking interview and the anonymous favor that was randomly done for him, but now he investigates and finds that things don't add up. And didn't that interviewer rather resemble her lover, maybe a cousin or aunt of hers? He discovers that his lover was staying at the hotel and tracks her back to her hometown, intending to plead with her to become more permanent lovers, even if this requires him to move to her hometown. But when he gets there he finds out that she's pregnant and the whole story comes out. He decides children are tolerable if they make her happy and he can keep her. He gives her back the stone, which he has bought with him, and this is his culture's equivalent to a marriage proposal. She accepts, yay happy ending.

@ sunandshadow

By integrity I meant the ability to act according to noble principles in the absence of reward or punishment. I mentioned it because it was related to rooting happiness in intention instead of circumstance.

Suppose Mary is looking for a little lamb because she wants one. If Mary's happiness is based on circumstance, then she may be sad when she is reminded that she doesn't have it. If her happiness is based on intention, then she may be happy just knowing that she is working toward that goal by looking for it. It does not cross her mind that her having no lamb in the present is a reason to be unhappy, because her happiness has nothing to do with what she has (her circumstance). In this mentality, her happiness is rooted in the present, free from disturbance, and spontaneous. She is happy because she likes herself and what she does.

I think it is really easy to like one's self and be happy this way. You don't even need to be good. All it takes is that you have the intention to be good and works toward it. You don't even need to know what makes a person a 'good' person, because figuring that out could be part of the work. Therefore, to adopt this type of happiness is mainly a choice. You choose to be happy.

The only obstacle would be times when something happens and makes you unhappy and you know how to dispel it. A circumstance makes you unhappy is not caused by the circumstance alone, but the circuit in your mind that associates that circumstance to unhappiness. This is not to say that people should feel nothing and let anything happen. If something is wrong, you still act to change it, but you are not doing it to because you hate people who are wrong, or to do it to make yourself happy. You are already happy. You do it because it is the right thing to do.

When you have this mentality, you go to bed happy every night because you know that you have done your best, regardless what the circumstance may be. You don't worry about anything that may happen tomorrow, and anything that may happen would not affect your happiness. Anything unexpected would not make you sad, it would only make you think about your right action in that circumstance.

For this reason, being hopeful and being valued are irrelevant to happiness when it is rooted in a person's intention. The big objects that a person has to overcome to get this type of happiness include:

1) You cannot be afraid of loss.
2) You cannot be afraid of death.
3) You cannot be afraid of poverty.
4) You cannot be afraid of the truth.
5) You cannot be afraid of loneliness.
6) You cannot be afraid of being inferior.
7) You cannot be afraid of helplessness.
8) You cannot be afraid of being useless.
9) ...

Basically, a person that has this type of happiness is also fearless. I am not trying to prove it, but to me it makes sense that the ultimately happy person is fearless. Their spirit is resilient and invincible.

* * *

"What is happiness?"

I asked Skyle one night when we were having milkshake at a fast food restaurant. Milkshake was one of the things that I never tried, because to me, that was what rich kids could afford. I wouldn't get it because for the same money I could be getting actual food. Tonight I got it because I wanted to know what it was. I took a few sips. It was way too sweet. How could people actually order it? I was going to dilute it at home.

"I don't know. Do you want me to think about it?"

Skyle said, sipping her milkshake. Lately she had not been very talkative. Her eyes were always wanting to close. If not for talking to me, she would probably have her eyes closed. She was not yawning though.

I thought:
a) How could you not know what happiness is? Isn't that a fundamental question?
b) Skyle is being lazy.
c) Perhaps her milkshake is not as sweet as mine.
d) Skyle is sleepy.
e) ...

If she were yawning, I would think that she was tired. But since she was not, I guessed that she was actually thinking. She was thinking about something so hard that she was trying to cut out the stimulus by closing her eyes. This restaurant was bright and colorful, it was probably also too noisy for her. Let's go to the park, I said.

At the park, we sat at the wooden swings. I asked her what she was thinking. She told me a scene she saw repeatedly in someone that she didn't know how to interpret. She described it like this:

"It started with a car about to go through an automated car wash. In the car, there was a man and a woman. The man was the driver. The woman was the front passenger. The man opened his window to push a button to start the car wash, while the woman was looking up and out her window. The man closed his window. The wheels were locked and the car was led into the car wash while the man closed his eyes to rest. The car was in the car wash for a couple minutes, when it comes out on the other side, I see that the woman still had the same pose, looking up and out her window. The man's eyes were just opening as if he dozed off inside the car wash."

She paused and said, "That was it. It was pretty short and neither of them spoke. But it must have some significant meaning because it kept on repeating. What do you think it means?"

I thought:

a) The couple had a fight.
b) Who was the shadow?
c) What was the weather?
d) What kind of car was it?
e) Were they wearing seat belts?
f) Something happened inside the car wash.

@Wai - Heh, I just had a milkshake today - I have no-sugar-added chocolate ice cream, and I just stir it up with a little water or vanilla soy milk. Best thing I tasted all day, and much less expensive when home made. I have had milkshakes that are too strong, usually the kind with little bits of chocolate in them.

The car was imagery interested me, it's a fun scenario to interpret. I always loved going through the car was when I was a little kid; haven't done that in years, they are more expensive than milkshakes lol. I would choose B from your choices since it seems both people could be shadowed. I don't think they fought or anything happened in the car wash, they seem to be content looking their different directions (inward vs. outward) and not paying attention to each other or taking any action.

For the earlier choice about Skyle, I would say E. she seems bored.

@ Orsony

I don't understand what the three sons (Logi, Kari, Ogir) are doing after Gabriel is awoken. You said that Forn created a trial to award people with powers, but from the subsequent paragraphs it sounds like Forn created a trial to take away the powers of those who fail the trial.


@ sunandshadow

Now that you posted the synopsis, I agree with the earlier assessment (TechnoGoth, since I don't know who else could have read it) that the way it was written does not have the charm that it should have with a comedy, and the characters seem soul-less.

Compare with this design:

Title: Mother Risa
Genre: Comedy

Story: The person that deserves love the most is the one that loves the most. This story is about a group of adolescent friends in an orphanage trying to find a spouse within one year for their care-taker 'Mother Risa' before they would leave the orphanage to pursue their dreams in separate ways.

Characters:
Mother Risa: The loving care-taker in the orphanage that never given up on the kids that no one adopted. The kids call her 'Mother Risa'.
Michael: The leader of the mischievous bunch, who once said to Risa, "If I grow up I would marry you!" He came up with the idea of finding Mother Risa's soul-mate.
Gillian: The nerdy girl who helps out on the paperwork and website for the orphanage. She is wary of Michael but she was persuaded to join the group.
Doug: The big boy that talks little, slow, and kind. He is loyal to Michael because Michael beat up the other kids when they picked on him.
Randy: The truant, unreliable tomboy girl that knows random things and appears randomly when people least expect.
George: The boy that can't stop talking, hearing his voice is like the everything-is-fine alarm in the mess hall.
Tiffany: A rich girl from out of town who often pass by the orphanage, that the kids know little about.

Plot Outline:
0.1 - The farewell night and the gather afterward when Michael proposed the plan to get Mother Risa married.
0.2 - Gillian's are-you-out-of-your-mind argument with Michael, and Michael's persuasion
0.3 - George's surrogate profile for Mother Risa and online screening
0.4 - The dates that can't be arranged and Doug's in-person search
0.5 - The arranged meeting at the fair for Mother Risa with Mr. Nice Guy.
0.6 - The development between Mother Risa and Mr. Nice Guy.
0.7 - The secret about Mr. Nice Guy that Randy discovered but didn't want to tell.
0.8 - Gillian's scholarship, Michael's fight and arrest, the leaking of the plan, and Mother Risa's heart-break all at the same time.
0.9 - Gillian's farewell, the long days, the last day at the orphanage and Tiffany's letter.
1.0 - The reunion at the orphanage.

(Plot Structure)
0.1 - The Goal
0.2 - The initial plan
0.3 - The initial progress
0.4 - The fall of the initial plan
0.5 - The second plan
0.6 - The second progress
0.7 - The bad news
0.8 - All is lost
0.9 - The revelation
1.0 - Conclusion

What I meant was:
He gives them the powers when he creates them, but his sons are pissed at him for doing it. So he sets the humans a trial, to show their worth. Those who failed, lost the power.

Hi Sun,

I like the new story.

@Wai I believe that weather any story is funny or not is mainly in the details of how it is presented. No plot outline is inherently funny. Yours too features some events which are potentially very-not-funny, particularly "0.8 - Gillian's scholarship, Michael's fight and arrest, the leaking of the plan, and Mother Risa's heart-break all at the same time." I can imagine this all being done in a very funny way or a not funny at all way. But, why does the woman seem soulless? She has two strong desires, melancholy, fear, philosophy, creativity, and proactiveness. I would have thought those are exactly the traits a character needs to be appealing.

Lately, I've been working on a few small personal projects off and on.

1. Versus - A simple multiplayer first person shooter in which a mysterious billionaire has assembled some of the world's deadliest mercenaries and assassins to hunt one another to the death for his amusement. Each player is implanted with a GPS tracker and given a specific target to kill. However, while you are hunting after your target, someone else has been hired to hunt you.

2. Blame - A story driven first person shooter inspired by the novels "The Last Ship" and "Down to a sunless sea". It follows a Navy Seal who is conducting training off the coast of Hawaii. After an unexpected nuclear strike hit the island of Oahu, the Seal and the crew of the ship his is on find themselves as survivors without a home when they soon learn that hundreds of nuclear warheads have hit locations all over the world. -- There is a lot more to the story. That is just a brief synopsis.

3. Monster - A 3rd person stealth game which pits the player as a serial killer who is executed and sent to hell. While in hell, the serial killer is given an opportunity to return to Earth and collect souls. Now inhabited by a smart-talking demon which gives him supernatural abilities, the player takes on the role of a Jason Voorhies or Michael Myers style killer who must use his stealth and cunning to lure out and kill his victims. Things become more complicated when he finds himself competing with other monsters and some self-proclaimed monster hunters.

@ sunandshadow (#45)

"0.8 - Gillian's scholarship, Michael's fight and arrest, the leaking of the plan, and Mother Risa's heart-break all at the same time." is not meant to be funny. This plot point is the "All is lost" plot point. I know that "All is lost" could be done in a funny way but in this case I wasn't trying to be funny. This is actually a plot point meant to hit hard emotionally. The problem with that plot is that the emotion wasn't recovering fast enough. The way I see it, the bigger problem is 0.9. Plot point 0.9 recovers too slowly. In plot point 0.9, the revelation (the missing information that will save everyone), needs to come right after so that the sadness is not prolonged.

Plot Outline:
0.1 - The farewell night and the gather afterward when Michael proposed the plan to get Mother Risa married.
0.2 - Gillian's are-you-out-of-your-mind argument with Michael, and Michael's persuasion
0.3 - George's surrogate profile for Mother Risa and online screening
0.4 - The dates that can't be arranged and Doug's in-person search
0.5 - The arranged meeting at the fair for Mother Risa with Mr. Nice Guy.
0.6 - The development between Mother Risa and Mr. Nice Guy.
0.7 - The secret about Mr. Nice Guy that Randy discovered but didn't want to tell.
0.8 - Gillian's scholarship, Michael's fight and arrest, the leaking of the plan, and Mother Risa's heart-break all at the same time.
0.9 - Gillian's farewell, the long days, the last day at the orphanage and Tiffany's letter.
1.0 - The reunion at the orphanage.

Plot Outline:
0.1 - The farewell night and the gather afterward when Michael proposed the plan to get Mother Risa married.
0.2 - Gillian's are-you-out-of-your-mind argument with Michael, and Michael's persuasion
0.3 - George's surrogate profile for Mother Risa and online screening
0.4 - The dates that can't be arranged and Doug's in-person search
0.5 - The arranged meeting at the fair for Mother Risa with Mr. Nice Guy.
0.6 - The development between Mother Risa and Mr. Nice Guy.
0.7 - The secret about Mr. Nice Guy that Randy discovered but didn't want to tell.
0.8 - Gillian's scholarship, Michael's fight and arrest, the leaking of the plan, and Mother Risa's heart-break all at the same time.
0.9 - Tiffany's letter and visit. Farewell celebration
1.0 - Scrapbook

* * *

The woman seems soul-less because of what I feel from the description. It is not about what you feel about the character but what I could feel from reading the description. When I read it I don't feel her love of anyone including the child that she wanted to have. It sounded like the child was some kind of status symbol she wanted to get, instead of a human being with their own future. The following are some specific signs that made me feel this way:

P1S1: A single woman [Omilla] decides she wants a child and is secure enough financially and socially to raise a child by herself.
P1S2: She'd really rather have a loving mate who would help her raise a child, but she's failed to find that for years and she's tired of waiting.
P1S3: She'll take one last shot at it - there is a town nearby which has strong local beliefs and traditions about soulmates and helping them find each other.
P1S4: If this succeeds, wonderful, she'll get her baby because her soulmate will sire it.
P1S5: But if (when) it fails, that town is a good vacationing place where she can go to a bar and pick up a one-night-stand to sire her baby.

P1S1: A single woman [Omilla] decides she wants a child and is secure enough financially and socially to raise a child by herself.
P1S2: She'd really rather have a loving mate who would help her raise a child, but she's failed to find that for years and she's tired of waiting.
P1S3: She'll take one last shot at it - there is a town nearby which has strong local beliefs and traditions about soulmates and helping them find each other.
P1S4: If this succeeds, wonderful, she'll get her baby because her soulmate will sire it.
P1S5: But if (when) it fails, that town is a good vacationing place where she can go to a bar and pick up a one-night-stand to sire her baby.

What I read from what you wrote: (Disclaimer: My English is not good and I don't necessarily know what a word means to a native speaker. I am just talking about what I felt when I read it.)

P1S1: A single woman [Omilla] decides she wants a child and is secure enough financially and socially to raise a child by herself.

To me this sentence focused on whether Omilla could afford to have a child. It didn't tell me anything about whether she loves children or why she wanted a child, or what a child would mean for her. To me it sounds really wrong. Ever heard about the phrase that describes a child as "the crystal of love", or the equivalent saying in English that means children is what you get when you know what love is. When I read this sentence, I feel Omilla is trying to buy a new car or a new house. I don't feel that she is seeing a child as a person. I feel that a child to her is some kind of status symbol, something she wants to get to make herself feel complete. I feel that she concerns less about the well-being of the child, but more on whether she could get one.


P1S2: She'd really rather have a loving mate who would help her raise a child, but she's failed to find that for years and she's tired of waiting.

When I read this I feel she had no concept of what love is or what relation it is between a husband and a wife, a father and his child, and a mother with the same child. When I read this I see the relation being like this: Lover ----- Omilla ----- Child. Basically, the "lover" is some kind of third person with the primary job being to love her. The child is hers, not the Lover's. However, she would want the Lover to help her out to raise the kid. I feel that the sentence focused on describing the Lover's role in helping Omilla instead of helping the child. It sounded as if she assumed that the father of the child would not care. Omilla is trying to have a child when she seems to have no value and no concept that a child and the father are part of a family. I also found the description that she's "tired of waiting" sounds pretty bad. Part of the reason is that you haven't stated why she wanted a child. So right now, in my mind, Omilla is someone irritated and annoyed that she doesn't have a child, and she is trying to get it done to free herself of that anxiety with little consideration on what it means for the father and the child. I see no sign that she thought from their perspectives. She was only thinking for herself.


P1S3: She'll take one last shot at it - there is a town nearby which has strong local beliefs and traditions about soulmates and helping them find each other.

When we hear about people trying to have kids, usually that means a couple is trying, there is a mutual agreement between the couple that they want a child and they are trying to have one. In this case, I think "one last shot" just sounds too opportunistic to me for the context, partly because you have not described how it would be like for her to continue without a lover or a child. So far, the description didn't point to her being lonely or being sad. It only sounds like a child is some sort of accessory to her that she wants to win at a casino by rolling the dice.


P1S4: If this succeeds, wonderful, she'll get her baby because her soulmate will sire it.

My English is poor. When I read the word "sire" I think of horse breeding. I have never heard of human describe a father as someone that sires the child. According to the description, I feel that "soulmate" is not a term that Omilla is familiar with. It is a foreign concept to her, and I feel that at this point in the plot, she is using that them as a label. I feel no sense that Omilla has a clue what a soulmate is or how a pair of soulmates mean for each other. Here, there is no sense of romance or love, just the mechanical requirement to get something done. Although you use the word 'soulmate', when I read it I feel that the soulmate is some kind of disposable object, once the purpose is served, it is okay to let go. She cares more about her getting a baby somehow than the life the have with a soulmate. It feels so weird because the statement is so void of life.


P1S5: But if (when) it fails, that town is a good vacationing place where she can go to a bar and pick up a one-night-stand to sire her baby.

Here I have the same feeling that everything are just objects for her to get her desires. She is void of love and feeling for others. All she things about is how to get herself what she wants. Although this sentence raises the question, "If she really didn't care, and she is so confident that she could get a one-night-stand to get a child, then isn't it the proof that she cares about having a good lover and a good father?" To that I feel two things: 1) Her desire to look for a lover and a father doesn't mean that she care about them, but their service to her. 2) You can write many motivations and situation, but having them written doesn't make them believable. In this case you can write that she is loving and considerate, but I don't feel it because things didn't add up. It sounds more like a forced assertion than the truth.



I am not trying to contest the psychological urges to have child. But in my use of words, urges, desires, emotion, being creative, and the ability to plan are not the determining characteristic of a soul. I know every time I post I am popping up some definition. These definitions are subjected to updates. But for now, I think that a soul is a mind that cares about other people. And I see these degrees of caring:

Level 1) Care about yourself
Level 2) Care about your kids
Level 3) Care about people who can help you
Level 4) Care about other people
Level 5) Care about your enemies

At level 1 you get the 'selfish people'. At level 2, you get the 'motherly love'. At level 3 you get the 'comrade love'. At level 4 you get the 'altruists'. At level 5 you get the 'saints'. This is a pretty bad concept to disclose because on this scale, being a mother who loves your kids doesn't make you that great. It is a message pretty hard to swallow for people believe motherly love is the greatest. To be fair though, you can't compare that motherly love to a typical relation between friends. Instead you need to compare that to someone who is willing, or at least did not give up after an investment, to help a friend while losing mobility, losing sleep, losing money, and risking their life. You would need to compare that to defenders that risks their lives not to make a living, but because they want to protect the people that they don't know and in no way would help them. Are these people insane? No, they do it because they care.

From the description I felt that Omilla is at Level 1.


* * *

I want to reply for (#41) but I ran out of time. I replied this first because the follow up for (#41) is less useful compared to this for (#45) because if you agree with it you could start editing or redesign, and it allows others to see what I meant so that they could post their views.

About the child, I suspect Wai just hasn't "been there". I've wanted a baby for years and kind of had to wait until such a thing was - forgive these cold terms - economically viable. Now I do and I'm super happy and love my baby.

"She wants to be able to afford to have a baby" is basically code for "she wants to have a baby". Definitions of "able to" will vary but as a general rule we might say "can spare both time and resources necessary to facilitate a good enough childhood". That the baby is a status symbol is not implicit.