I'll look at this shortly, I'm pretty busy this week.

It starts off very well but it kind of loses me.

I'd say there's a distinct point when it does so; when it cuts away to the robots doing things. It breaks the perspective. The story is about Ryan and ought to stick to that perspective.

Write new material! More more!

Here, you read some of my junk now. I just wrote this story seed.

It starts off very well but it kind of loses me.

I'd say there's a distinct point when it does so; when it cuts away to the robots doing things. It breaks the perspective. The story is about Ryan and ought to stick to that perspective.

Write new material! More more!

Here, you read some of my junk now. I just wrote this story seed.

Actually it was intended to start a story that followed three main stories
#1 Ryan and the military group he gets involved with during this that ends up becoming a special military unit
#2 The group that is introduced right at the end of this issue
#3 A group that would be introduced at the end of the 2nd issue

The idea was that each issue should more or less set the story for the other group so that the comic would rotationally follow the 3 groups which tells the story of Earth adapting to invading aliens, their position in the universe, and the group that comes their position in the universe. But anyways...

Are you saying that everything but page 2-6 is good? And mainly because there rest all is focused on what Ryan is doing? Those scenes are there as mainly establishing shots of this is Detroit, this is the power these things have, and it sets the idea that the schools and what not are destroyed so there are problems with kids going to school and city having various problems... Are you saying I should just take those out and let the reader assume that's what happens or something?


As far as your seed. I think the girl comes off as too bubbly I've never met anyone that bubbly... and I've met a few people that are extremely bubbly. I think it'd be better if she more sarcastic than bubbly.

"Are you saying I should just take those out and let the reader assume that's what happens or something"

Yes, in short. It's Ryan's story. Let Ryan learn those things, or not. It's better not to reveal everything that's going on and it's better to strictly mind your perspective rule.

Write something new.

I'll dump a story seed here if you need one. It's an opening paragraph.

Venus Colony was incorporated in Delaware, manufactured in Arizona and based on Mars. I was in our office - in Los Angelis - reviewing applicants. We had thousands of them. I tapped delete repeatedly, rejecting ones that didn't read the solitication. For we didn't need just any random individual who wanted to be a starman. We needed a _________[/quote]

And another.

She watched from across the street at her competitor's fried chicken stand. One could tell the difference between her's and the enemy's because the enemy's had the long line. But she was armed today, not just with a new sign and renewed permit but with knowledge; she knew her competitor's dirty little secret to addictive fried chicken, and it was illegal.[/quote]

Start from anywhere and start making problems.

Another bit of my junk for review. It's shorter.