Upon further reflection, I think what originally drew me into game development was the idea that I could create and design my own little world and then share it with everyone else. This is still a desire of mine, the problem has now become "what world can I dream up that is worth sharing?"
In response to "Why do you hesitate to say "I quit making games forever"?", I believe/hope what I am going through is just the equivalent of a writer's block. I think if every writer would quit writing forever whenever they experienced writer's block, the fiction section of books stores would be rather sparse in comparison.
I've thought about these kind of issues, although more with regards to writing fiction than game design. My major motivation to be a writer or game designer was that I could always imagine things that would be a ton of fun to read/play, but didn't exist. If, as a young teen, you go on a forum or to a club whining about "Why doesn't someone make XYZ that would be soooo awesome!" one of the first things you will be told is, "If you think it's awesome, why don't you make it yourself." At the time I also had a huge respect for authors and designers, it was probably the closes I came to having real-life heroes. But it had never occurred to me that I could BE one, despite having had various creative writing assignments and art assignments and even a few assignments to program in basic. (Yes my elementary school was really that cool). At any rate I swallowed whole the idea that I should create my visions, without really thinking much about it. Story ideas are still my favorite thing to spend time thinking about, so becoming a writer or a game designer seemed like a good excuse to think about fun stuff all day.
In college I majored in English, including taking some creative writing courses, and did a lot of art on the side, joined this forum, a year or two later was made a moderator, and also participated in several utter failures of game making projects. But by the end of college I was writing very little fiction and drawing less. Why? I don't think it was due to any decrease in creativity - that might be just me, people have several times told me I will always mentally be a teenager. My sister told me that over the past decade I have at least matured from being mentally 14 to being mentally 18, not sure if that's a win or a loss, lol. Gaming and reading are still my favorite hobbies and I do both every week. I have new story ideas regularly. So why don't I write them down?
Well, for one thing I took a lot of verbal abuse on the art side of things. The art community has this cultural belief that vicious criticism is appropriate and somehow useful. Maybe for some personalities that works, but I personally found it damaging, to the point where I have to dredge up my courage and steel myself every time I want to post a piece of my art online or read comments anyone makes on it. I got my art to the point where I was personally happy with it, yet other people still seemed to think it was horrible. With writing I fortunately never ran into that, but instead I ran into huge amounts of indifference - I'd have some idea I thought was really great, post about it, and crickets would chirp. Maybe one person would say it sounded like something they would like to read. Yet, much stupider ideas (IMO) would get lots of more enthusiastic responses. It just doesn't seem worth the effort of writing something not very many people are going to like. At the same time my opinion of the average person has gotten a lot lower since I began college. So, finally responding to the quoted post above, I've come to believe there isn't an audience worth sharing my worlds with.
Game design is a bit different - I LOVE working with team members who are (hopefully) as excited about a project as I am. But I tried leading a game design project, I put as much effort as I possibly could into making it happen, and I discovered that without a budget it's just impossible to create a game that's even as good as an SNES or PS1 game, forget current gen games and MMOs. So I realized I really disliked being a project leader and only wanted to work under someone else who might have more monetary resources or driven-ness than me. But still I run into the problem, possibly due to being a woman game designer, or due to it not being the 80s or 90s anymore, or possibly just due to being me, that 95% of the projects that go through the helpwanted forum are not something I have the remotest interest in working on. Why does everything have to be Darker and Edgier??? I tried joining a group that hadn't decided on an idea yet, and could compromise with them 80% of the way toward a design we all liked in terms of gameplay genre, game structure, setting, but when it came down to the story I wanted cheerful, romantic and funny, they wanted hardcore.
Tldr: I've gotten the strong impression no one is interested in the worlds I dream up and could share.(And if other people have the bad taste not to like what I like, why would I want to communicate to them anyway?)
[color="#1C2837"]). Actually, researching this could the learning experience that can give you the effect.
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