Hi I was out with my family at one point during the weekend and happen to be in the car. I don't know why, but suddenly I started to form an idea up about a diary belonging to a child when he and his family moved to a new place in some New England-style county. I kind of got scared thinking about the ideas, being that it was horror. PLEASE NOTE: this is not meant to a proper story, just something I'm writing down for others to see based on a spontaneous idea (I did not "properly" think it through, so please don't knock me for that). The writing style is also meant to reflect an eight/seven year old's style/level of writing. ------------------------------------------------ Matthew's Diary Sept-09-13 Moving We're going to move tomorrow, to the new place in Bluesdale. Mommy and Dad look happy about it and are always talking about it. My older sister looks like she misses our house already. My younger brother also the same. Some men came round in a big truck and put our stuff on it. Most of our stuff from out house is gone, even the sofas and tables and the big TV in living room. Mommy says that we're going to get in the car to go to our new house in a few hours. I can't wait. Sept-09-14 At our new house We're at our new house. It looks bigger than our old house and like some old people lived here. There are paintings all over the walls. Load of people in suits and rich people clothes. They've all got funny white wigs on. There's one painting with an old lady on it and she looks scary with her dark eyes and long face. Mummy says that the house used to belong to a big family with lots of money but that they moved out a few years ago because one of them went missing. Dad came back with Julie. The vets said that she was all better from her broken ankle. Dad and my older sister Emma are happy and so am I. Mummy isn't- she doesn't like Julie. Sept-09-17 The house is strange The house has been strange for last few days. At night I hear strange, scary noises. They sound like people screaming. I hear one shouting, "No No No, don't take William, please". When I hear them I hid under the bed, they sometimes make me cry a little. I couldn't sleep properly last night and I went downstairs to get some milk and I saw Dad looking at the scary lady painting. He looked like a statue and he wasn’t moving much. I had my drink and as I walked up the stairs, Dad stared to growl like Julie when she's angry. I can still hear him growling now and he's started to speak funny. Sept-09-21 Dad is acting funny I was eating my breakfast this morning as I normally do and I saw Dad looking strangely into his paper. Mummy said not to worry about him and that I should hurry up before I miss school. Before I went to get the bus, I asked Emma what was going on. Emma said that Dad was a bit stressed and that he'll be ok in a couple of days. I'm worrying about Dad and Mummy looks sad too. When I got home, Dad looked normal and was doing his things like he normally does. It's weird. I looked at the scary lady painting again before I went out into the garden to play with Julie. The scary lady has a rip in her dress that I didn’t see before. I don't know how it got there. Sept-09-25 Julie's missing I woke up this morning and dressed and ate my breakfast like normal. When I got downstairs though, I didn't see Julie on here cushion. I asked Mummy why Julie wasn't there and she said that she had been a bad girl last night and had been sent outside. I didn't remember Julie being bad. My younger brother Ben came in from the conservetory with Julie's collar and Mummy took it off him. It had some red stuff on it. I'm a bit scared about Julie. When I got home from school after Music Club, Emma was crying and I asked what she was crying about. She told me not to worry and that Dad and Mommy had just had an argument. She had a purple bump on her arm. I don't like it when my sister cries. Sept-09-29 Mummy looks scared I got home from school at normal time today and saw Mummy lying on the sofa watching TV. When I went up to her, she was looked a bit white and worried. She was mumbling to herself about Julie and "James, please don't, leave her alone, please". She didn't look like she was watching TV so I turned it off. When I did she went to sleep. I looked at the scary lady painting again and it had rips in a few other parts of here dress and it had some pen marks on her lips. I wonder why Mummy hasn't cleaned it up? I went to see Emma before I went to bed. I knocked on her door and she didn't answer, so I went inside and saw her reading one of her books and it had a rip in it. Emma takes very good care of her books, so why is it damaged? She also had another mark on her knee. I wanted to talk to her about Mummy but she sent me out. I'm worried. Sept-09-30 Dad's become very scary I haven't seen Julie for a long time and I'm worried about her. No-one told me where she was and no-one wants to talk about her. I'm worried about Mummy and Emma. They've looked scared and not right since Dad growled at the painting. Mummy keeps talking to herself and Emma has been told to stop going to school and to stay home more. She's normally out with her friends but I don't think she's spoken with them for awhile. Ben has been quiet alot and doesn't shout around the house like he normally does. I don't know what's going on. *tearstain on bottom of page*. Dad's been in the garden alot and is always digging at the back and talking to something in the holes. He's laughing almost all the time, even though he's not watching his funny shows. It's a scary laugh and not like his normal one. Oct-09-03 Mummy and Dad had another argument *Tearstains are littered sporadically throughout the page* I heard Mummy and Dad arguing again last night. They were shouting a lot and Mummy was screaming at Dad. There was alot of banging and hitting on the walls and I could hear stuff being thrown. I was hiding under the covers the whole time. I could hear Ben crying when they starting throwing stuff in their room. After a lot of time, I didn't hear much coming from their room. I heard someone going out of their door and into Ben's room and Ben stopping his crying after a few minutes. I got out of my bed and open my door slightly and saw Dad slashing the scary lady picture with a big knife. It was really scary and I didn't like it at all. I hope Mummy is ok. Dad shouted at her alot and she screamed back at him. Oct-09-05 Hiding from Dad I got back from school after Music Club- we had to do an extra class. When I got to my house, I saw that some of the windows were scratched and had dirt marks on them. I opened the door and went inside and saw some of our stuff all on the floor in piles. I got a bit worried. Then Emma came out of the Kitchen and looked all messy and crazy. She shouted at me to get Ben and follow her to the garden outside. When I had gotten Ben, I was walking down the stairs and saw Emma running into the living room and Dad chasing her with the big knife he used to cut up the scary lady painting. Dad and the big knife had lots of blood on them. I ran outside with Ben as fast as I could and could hear Emma screaming and Dad shouting, "come on dear, be with your mother, she's waiting for you!” Oct-09-05 I'm really scared Me and Ben hid in one of the holes Dad had made at the back of the garden. I keep telling Ben to be quiet but he keeps crying. I'm really worried that Dad will hear us. Dad hasn't come out of the house for a long time. I'm scarred about Emma and Mummy. I saw Julie in one of the holes in the ground. I'm really upset. What's that? I hope Ben can keep quiet. I think Dad's coming out of the house. Oh no, he's coming this way. Please don't let him find me. I think I hear police sirens coming down our road. Please get hear police, please! He's looking our way. Gotta hide, gotta hide. No, he's got the knife! Please get here police-- *writing ends abruptly, bloodstains on the bottom of the page* ------------------------------------------------ Well, I guess I've got to ask. What do you other forum members think? I thought that Writing for Games would be the best place, so how do you think I did for a rough writing of a diary? Did I make amateur mistakes? Write without much tension or pace or feel? Just throwing it out there. Thanks in advance for any constructive replies.

It comes off as a bit predictable, but considering the format, it is hard not to be. The one thing that really sticks out as immersion-breaking, is the amount of writing the kid was able to do while running, in his last journal entry. Something that you might want to consider for that section, would be either a time-shift, having the kid relate it in the past tense, or a POV switch; still past tense, but with the added aspect of killing the writer.

Quote: Original post by Elhrrah
It comes off as a bit predictable, but considering the format, it is hard not to be. The one thing that really sticks out as immersion-breaking, is the amount of writing the kid was able to do while running, in his last journal entry. Something that you might want to consider for that section, would be either a time-shift, having the kid relate it in the past tense, or a POV switch; still past tense, but with the added aspect of killing the writer.

Thanks Elhrrah.

Your point is one I had thought of myself of whether it would be to predictable or not. I had a bit of thought about that kind of thing when I went to write it down, but I chose to write as I did. I believe through your examination and those of others (don't mean actual replies for others, just general reads is all), that even with even the best criticism, it's hard not see where its going because of the format. I don't think that's the case however. I think - based on your comments - that the writing needs to be shaper - but not more concise - and the some of the writing toned down in terms of pacing of the plot. I hope I got that all that right.

Thanks again. Any more members want to chip in?