Looking for Criticism (Constructive Please)

Xyphyx · 2008-06-11T14:22:15

So I've been working (albiet slowly) on the storyline for an RPG that's been stuck in my cranium for years. Recently, I began 'fleshing' out one of the scenes and I'd like to know what your thoughts are. So without any furthur ado: --------------- A Required Stop --------------- Justice slowly followed dirt path overgrown with the beautiful blossoms of webbing weeds and overgrown grass, each struggling for sunlight. A gentle breeze swept across his fatigued face and carried with it the scent of memories hidden deep below his surface. The overgrowth proved only one thing, no one had followed this path for a long while. But that was how he wanted it This was his shrine. Each step brought him closer. With every inch, emotions once forgotten beneath a strong facade crept further past his realm of natural control screaming for escape. This was his freedom. Each step brought him closer. With every inch, the memories of yesterdays passed aggressively built upon one another reaching for realization. Memories straining for the hope that today they'd be granted an audience with their master. This was his confinement. Each step brought him closer. And the closer he came, the weaker he felt. His once defined structure was deteriorating from this struggle for internal control. As he reached the solitary stone thickly covered with dust, the smell old fears proved to be the final pull for release. His eyes, now filled with tears from emotions forcefully hidden within his core, were tightly shut. And the memories, now granted an audience, were playing on the inside of his eyelids, a film of hidden Hope, hidden joys and hidden pains. Now weakened beyond his limits, Justice fell to his knees in front of the stone and reaching out; he wiped each letters chipped surface leaving them streaked with tears and dust. "Hope Stevens" "1983 - 2008" He read each word aloud as they were passed praying that this external acknowledgement would at least slow the ferocity of his hidden past. But it was to no avail. The memory of her death was as haunting now as it ever was - playing a thousand times a day, removing from him his ability to sleep or even to think without being reminded of his failures. "I failed you." He placed his hands next to the dirt streaked stone to support his failing frame. "I failed you Hope. It should've been me." These words, frail and filled with regret, echoed in the void between his heart and her headstone causing him to realize even more how much he had grown to miss her. Giving in to his faltering condition, Justice laid his head next to the stone, closed his eyes and fell asleep. --------- END SCENE --------- So, what do you think? -Xyphyx

Writing for Games Game Design

Started by Xyphyx May 17, 2008 11:59 PM

9 comments, last by Xyphyx 16 years, 6 months ago

Xyphyx

Author

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June 11, 2008 02:22 PM

Hey all,
Sorry it's been a while since I last visited this thread (I work too much!)

While I don't understand the last response (tl;dr) I'd like to thank you all for responding and for the help. It all helps.

MSW -> Thanks for the direction, I'm going to transpos my 'novelish' style into a more 'cinematicly directive' style.

CHRONO1081 -> The names aren't 'locked' in place - yet... And I'm working on the total outline as we speak (or rather, As I type).

-Xy

Looking for Criticism (Constructive Please)

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Looking for Criticism (Constructive Please)

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