So I've been working (albiet slowly) on the storyline for an RPG that's been stuck in my cranium for years. Recently, I began 'fleshing' out one of the scenes and I'd like to know what your thoughts are. So without any furthur ado: --------------- A Required Stop ---------------

Justice slowly followed dirt path overgrown with the beautiful blossoms of webbing weeds and overgrown grass, each struggling for sunlight. A gentle breeze swept across his fatigued face and carried with it the scent of memories hidden deep below his surface. The overgrowth proved only one thing, no one had followed this path for a long while. But that was how he wanted it

This was his shrine. Each step brought him closer. With every inch, emotions once forgotten beneath a strong facade crept further past his realm of natural control screaming for escape.

This was his freedom. Each step brought him closer. With every inch, the memories of yesterdays passed aggressively built upon one another reaching for realization. Memories straining for the hope that today they'd be granted an audience with their master.

This was his confinement. Each step brought him closer. And the closer he came, the weaker he felt. His once defined structure was deteriorating from this struggle for internal control. As he reached the solitary stone thickly covered with dust, the smell old fears proved to be the final pull for release. His eyes, now filled with tears from emotions forcefully hidden within his core, were tightly shut. And the memories, now granted an audience, were playing on the inside of his eyelids, a film of hidden Hope, hidden joys and hidden pains.

Now weakened beyond his limits, Justice fell to his knees in front of the stone and reaching out; he wiped each letters chipped surface leaving them streaked with tears and dust.

"Hope Stevens" "1983 - 2008"

He read each word aloud as they were passed praying that this external acknowledgement would at least slow the ferocity of his hidden past. But it was to no avail. The memory of her death was as haunting now as it ever was - playing a thousand times a day, removing from him his ability to sleep or even to think without being reminded of his failures.

"I failed you." He placed his hands next to the dirt streaked stone to support his failing frame. "I failed you Hope. It should've been me." These words, frail and filled with regret, echoed in the void between his heart and her headstone causing him to realize even more how much he had grown to miss her.

Giving in to his faltering condition, Justice laid his head next to the stone, closed his eyes and fell asleep.

--------- END SCENE --------- So, what do you think? -Xyphyx

Looks a bit too embellished and I really hate the names.
I enjoyed the rest though, good job!

If you want to look into it later on, there are a few threads here on Gamedev about how to name characters.
Here's a recent one.

Yeah, the names aren't 'stuck' and I was writing it in (i guess it would be) novel format so that I'd -hopefully- remember more. But thanks. I'll post more when it comes to me..

-Xyphyx

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  I think a little explanation for the names may be appropriate.  While - they aren't 'stuck' in place - I thought it may prove to be an interesting backstory (not to mention overtone)of how Justice always fought and travelled with Hope.  And how, after Hope was gone, Justice had a difficult time raising their daughter - who isn't known to be the 'real' daughter of Justice until later in the story.    Which brings me to my next question:  If the names Justice and Hope stayed, what would you name their offspring?  Patience maybe - But my wife says that the only word that relates to both Justice and Hope is 'Blind.'  And I don't think that Blind would carry any sort of seriousness (Which is a requirement for her part in the story).-Xyphyx  

this sentence seems to be missing something

Quote: Justice slowly followed dirt path overgrown with

maybe the dirt path. or a dirt path, either way - depends what you prefer - i guess that kind of pedanticism isn't what you were looking for, but I give it anyway :-)

personally I dislike the writing style. But, you don't make it at all clear what kind of scene this is. Is it supposed to be an ingame cutscene? in which case the language is excused, as you are effectively writing a movie scene.
Otherwise you really don;t want to try and write what the player is feeling, or catalogue what they do, rather you want to write what the npc's do and how the player is involved.

I have no experience in writing for games, so don't take my criticisms too strongly; I will show you what I would have written to document the same scene (as a cutscene, as on rereading I cannot see how it could be intended otherwise)


J walking slowly along path, looks down at path overhead which is overgrown (possible view: long shot from rear, creeping up behind him)

J pauses, sudden but gentle gust of wind blows his hair accross his face, before he turns his head and carries on.
(view of face, close up - J walks past after breeze, ambient music fades out)

Comes round corner into clearing - gravestone overgrown
(POV camera, still silent)

J kneels in front of grave, tearful - runs fingers over name
J: I failed you. [BEAT] I failed you, Hope. [BEAT] It should've been me.
(still camera, maybe slight above angle)

Agony in J's face, maybe crying as he curls up in front of grave
(close up of face, maybe of eyes - fade to black as head gets close to floor.)



I think personally that covers as much detail as you would need to make the game, as much as I would go on to film it with real actors, anyway. But, I guess in a game you don't really have the same ability to make things up on the fly as you do realtime. But, if this is just a plot description I think you have too much detail, 99% of the flowery words are just unnecessary.

If the kind of thing I wrote above would not be detailed enough for you to remember what you had in mind, why not try using storyboards. If you have OK drawing skills, you could rustle up some very quick sketches to show the look you want. Hope I have been of some use to you,
Mathmo

  Mathmo - Thanks for the reply.  And yeah - I forgot to type 'the' into the opening sentance (I'm a dork!).  But, I'm looking for almost any criticism as it all should help me write the rest of the story.    As for the scene - I figured it would be an in game cut scene (FMV for the old-schoolers) of Justices return to his deceased wife/girlfriends grave for the first time in a long time.  The back story being that Justices daughter (I guess Patience - for now) has been kidnapped - this being the inciting incident.  And Justice is now returning to Hopes grave (Patience' mother) to tell her.    After he falls asleep the internal struggles he's been going through will be shown by a group of mazes the player fights through and being forced to confront and admit/aknowledge his true feelings.  Feelings he's been hidingfrom those around him - which have actually caused his friends to leave priorto this scene.  I've been really struggling on trying to move the story away from general RPG style story shortcuts. IE - the hero - Justice - isn't the only person capable of saving his daughter;  He's just the only one who cares.    I don't know if I'm making much sense right now.  But Thanks again for the respons(es).-Xyphyx

P.S. I actualy had to look up pedanticism. Big words hurt my brain... j/k

[Edited by - Xyphyx on May 18, 2008 10:37:19 PM]

For me, i dont like it much either. It is kind of confusing, what is happening? who the hell is Justice? I play LOTS of RPG games, and ive heard of worse but this script could be much better.

I think it would be better to see a plot outline first, then a breakdown of the major story points. This looks like an opening scene.

I too do not care for the names however what I would do is forget the names at the beginning (cept for the one on the tombstone) and let the story tell you the names "when its ready". (Although I think this is what you are pushing for because this looks more like you are describing a cinematic...)

You need to be more cinematic. Remember that a video game cut scene, just like film, is a visual medium. You need to be clear and concise on the who/what/when/where of the scene. No embellishments, keep on point and the details to a minimum.

Tell the story VISUALY, don't go into characters heads, describe only what the audiance sees and hears. This is why the "necklace" metaphor is so often used. When worn a necklace hangs low, the pendant close to the heart. In this way the giveing/recieveing/holding/touching the necklace can take on a symbolic meaning represenative of the characters emotions for each other.

Also unless a major part of the story deals with historical events or themes, do not time stamp your work. Is it more important that the audiance/players know Hope died young, before her prime? Or that she lived from 1983-2008 and there is something very important about this time period reflected in the plot?

Also do not forget the hook, especialy if this is the opening scene. You want to draw the player in, you want them to be looking forward to what happens next. As it stands you have some guy marching through the woods, then crying himself to sleep at some tombstone...Not very exciteing, doesn't really grab the audiance.

See if this inspires you:

[Overgrown Path, Thunderstorm]

With blinding flashes of lightning, Justice's drab parka deflects the storm. He stumbles onward emotionaly.


[Gravesite clearing, thunderstorm]

Justice throws himself sobbing before her grave.

[grave reads: "Hope Stevens aged 24"]


We see his wedding band reach for the stonework as if she possessed it.

Justice:"I...I need you baby."


Between sobs he kisses her name.

Justice:"I don't know...what to do."


He produces a soaked paper, its a little girls drawing of her and her parents.

Justice:"They took our baby...kidnapped her."


He holds the drawing in contrast to the gravestone.

Justice:"I failed you baby...I need you."


In a perfect moment we see his wedding band holding the drawing of the happy family framed by her name on the grave...Then with his other hand he produces a snubnosed revolver.

-fade to black-

tl;dr