These are almost random quotes from a story document I'm working for an RPG. It includes two different sides, that create the feeling of making the player choose whether he/she is bad or good. Afterwards confusing the player for what is good and what is bad, what is right and what is wrong. The game will introduce humour (badly expressed in below quotes), action and whatnot. The game has clear main protagonists, but choosing the good/bad side for them is hard in the end when the reality and backgrounds become more and more clear to the player. C = female J = male S = female E = female A = male Letter and %> == dialogue |> == Scene-effect, transition, movement etc.. This long quote is from the very beginning of the game.

Quote: !> Mi'febger, Aniga forest |> Screen restores |> Bright glow A %> "Uhh...." "It hurts..." |> Screen flash |> Castle in fire |> Screen flash |> Aven falls down |> Screen flash |> Aven wakes up |> Blur & Extra bright glow |> Hooded man standing in front of him Marker %> "You are chosen. Welcome." |> Hooded man touches him to his chest |> Screen flash |> Aven moaning in pain |> Screen flash |> Aven moaning in pain, blue blurred vision |> Screen flash |> Blue glow in his chest |> Screen flash A %> "It hurts.. It's cold and it hurts..." |> Vision freezes |> Slow screen flash |> Bright glow A %> "I'm still cold... What... What happened..." |> Aven rips his shirt open and sees an emblem in his chest, outlines having slight cold blue glow |> Motion blur, with 0.25sec instancing @> Player controls ON #> Target: Outskirts of the forest, #> No monsters/foes #> Hidden #> Potion #> Sharpener @> Player controls OFF |> Aven walks slowly by the house nearby and loses consciousness by the door |> Door opens and an elder lady tells his husband to take him in. |> Screen blackens !> Aven's home - Aven's room. |> Aven wakes up and goes downstairs |> Aven's 'parents' are already up A %> "Ah.. Good morning.. Where am I...?" G %> "Morning son, you were in bad shape yesterday." A %> "Son? But I'm..." F %> "Yes, you are our son. You hit your head or something?" A %> "I think so.. I guess it's that then.." G %> "Do you even remember our names?" A %> "Aa... no... " G %> "I'm Ganon, and this is my wife and your mother, Fena" A %> "Ah.. That's right..." G %> "Did you see what happened yesterday?" A %> "Umm...." "..." "The castle was in fire... I think it was... an explosion or something..." G %> "That's right... The castle is in crumbles. I heard Osira attacked this town... Insisted to see the king I heard..." A %> "!!!" "Is the king alright!?" F %> "We don't know. The situation was bad.." A %> "..." G %> "You should rest now." |> Screen blackens ||> "Time is of essence." |> Screen restores |> Aven is lying in his bed A %> "It's been three months already..." "I still don't know what this thing in my chest means.." |> Ganon arrives to the room G %> "Umm..." A %> "..." |> Aven gets up and sits to the side of the bed G %> "There are things you should know..." "We thought you'd be recovered enough from that day." G %> "You..." "..." "You aren't our son." A %> "!!!" "..." "I..." "I think I knew that, since I never felt I belonged here..." G %> "That's right. I know a person who knows more about you." "He lives near the castle, in an small shack next to it. You can't miss it." "The man is called as Gen." @> Player controls ON #> Target: Gen's Shack #> No Monsters / Foes #> Hidden #> Gold x 4 #> NPC [These are for towns not necessary, #> Ganon - [Map] SideDlg0001 [will probably remove later on] #> Fena - SideDlg0002 #> Shopkeeper - ShopDlg001 #> Armorer - ArmDlg001 #> Villagers - SideDlg0003-0006 #> Guards - SideDlg0007-0010 #> No Quests @> Player controls OFF Voice %> "Who're ye 'n what ye want!?" A %> "I... I was told to come here by my father, Ganon.. I was told to see Gen." G %> "And rite ye are." |> Gen opens the door G %> "I was worried about you that night, when the girl came after you." A %> "Girl?" G %> "Oh.. So she didn't get that far.." A %> "..." G %> "Come in, come in. You still have that pendant do you?" A %> "Oh this.. I don't know what it is, but Fena told me I had it when they found me." G %> "..." "So you don't know anything about yourself? It had to be nice to hit your head and forget. I wish that'd happen to me too..." A %> "Erm... You lost me."' G %> "I'll tell you everything I remember." |> Screen blackens G %> "It was foggy night. Those three members of Osira, a group of rebels, attacked here and insisted to see your father." A %> "My father!?" G %> "Yes." "The three of them moved swiftly and killed a lot of our men. The royal guard was no match to them." G %> "They were able to get inside, where a young girl and a man went to search around for something." "One girl left behind and took care of anyone who came near her." A %> "One girl!?" "Isn't the royal guard supposed to be 2times stronger than average man?" G %> "Seems that it wasn't enough." "Soon the two came back and the boy whispered something to her. Suddenly the same man started shouting about running away... and something about berserking..." "Then huge shockwave made me fly over the stairs, I hurt my right hand in the impact." "Next thing I know, the same girl ran fast with strange glow to your direction." "The castle was lost, but the royal family is safe." A %> "..." "So.. who is my father?" |> Screen restores |> Aven and Gen are sitting on chairs opposing each other. G %> "The king." A %> "..." "!!!" "The king!?" G %> "Yes. You are prince Aven Daimon, next in line for the status of king." A %> "..." G %> "Oh yes.. I have a package to you, a friendly gift from me." |> Gen hands small package to Aven |> Aven opens the package A %> "Daggers?" G %> "Try to remember. You will know how to use them." A %> "..." G %> "Go to the backyard and train for some time. I'm sure you'll remember everything needed. Then come back to me." A %> "I'm very, very confused now." G %> "I'd be surprised if you wouldn't." |> Aven stands up ?> HELP'D "Press <inventorybtn> to open inventory and double click weapon to equip it, click right button to open context menu for more actions." "To open character window, press <characterbtn>." ?> END OF HELP'D @> Player controls ON #> Target: Backyard #> No hidden items #> NPC #> Gen - SideDlg0011 #> No Monsters or foes @> Player controls OFF !> Target practice, some random training, no need to get to specifics... A %> "I think I'm ready." G %> "It's all up to you when you are ready." "Here's map for you. It'll come in handy on your journey." A %> "Who should I ask about?" G %> "Osira, but be careful. Very careful." A %> "Wish me luck." G %> (He didn't listen at all...) |> Aven leaves the shack A %> "I should go say goodbye to the people who took care of me." @> Player controls ON #> Target: Aven's home #> No Monsters / Foes #> No hidden items #> NPC #> Shopkeeper - ShopDlg001 #> Armorer - ArmDlg001 #> Villagers - SideDlg 0012-0015 #> Guards - SideDlg0007-0010 #> No Quests @> Player controls OFF A %> "I'm leaving tonight... I remember most of the things now. I'm going after Osira." "I'm going to Relion first, maybe they know something." G %> "Okay, we've prepared your backpack already, nothing fancy like you had with your time in the royals, but things to keep you on track." "And alive..." A %> "Thanks. I really appreciate everything you've done for me." |> Fena sobs |> Aven hugs her A %> "Don't worry mom, I won't die." |> Aven then shakes hands with Ganon and gives a smile. G %> "Hmph. Just keep that promise. I want you to take the throne someday." |> Screen blackens as Aven leaves to the horizon ||> "Time heals all wounds, even those that are not physical."

Rest are just random ones.

Quote: |> J and S go get cover to the corner between the stairs and middle level wall |> C swings her sword around her right side and grabs it. C %> "It is time to say goodbye to all." |> C strikes the sword to ground. |> Sword's emblem of fire start to glow as does the tribal in the blade. C %> "Goodbye." |> Silence S %> "Where's the kaboom?" J %> "Wait for it.."

Quote: C %> "Here at last..." J %> "Yep. Let's go rest to an inn and then we'll start getting information." S %> "I need to steal something..." C %> "What was that?" S %> "Nothing..." J %> "..." C %> "Oh yeah, who is carrying our money?" "We ARE paying for the inn aren't we?" J %> "..." S %> "..." "But can't we..." C %> "No." "No great ideas from you little miss thief." S %> "You're not the most purest either." C %> "..." J %> "..." "Let's... Just go." "I have some money and I'm sure S makes up something." S %> "Heehee..." |> C takes deep breath C %> "Fine. No stealing from guards." S %> "What are you, my mother?" |> C hits S to the head C %> "I'm not THAT old!" J %> "Just... Let's go. Please."

Quote: C %> "Uhh..." S %> "Hey, she's waking up..." J %> "It took just few days this time. She's getting stronger." S %> "Stronger? Look at her, I could easily snap her now." J %> "..." C %> "What are you guys... Uhh... Talking about?" S %> "How the clouds make shapes, what do you think?" C %> "Heheh... Well I think I'm all right now... Did I hurt you when I lost myself?" J %> "..." S %> "..." C %> "..." "So I did..." S %> "You almost killed J. He had half of his body immobile for some time." J %> "..." C %> "Stop the jokes." S %> "Aww..." C %> "So I didn't hurt anyone?" J %> "Yes you did. You actually destroyed one castle..." C %> "I know that much thank you, but did I hurt the boy I went after for the Celera?" S %> "You didn't get that far, we fetched you from an alley."

Quote: |> Huge explosion coming from the castle E %> "Eeeh...!?" "My room!" A %> "Leave it... The town is lost already." E %> "You don't know what is lost." "Look at it! My precious office is gone!" A %> "Erm, if you look bit more closer you see that town there." "It's in fire too. You know, blasted into pieces and so on...?" E %> "My precious office..."

(note that these are different castles!) [Edited by - Inestical on February 4, 2008 6:49:29 AM]

It's a little tricky to evaluate this devoid of context - who these people are and what their situation is.

Also... are you asking for dialogue tips? Constructive criticisms? Showing off?

Is this a reference for writers or something? :|

Ah.. I'm sorry that the idea of the thread didn't get to you.

I made this for C&C is the flow of the conversation clear and all kinds of critism. I tried to post up the most "telling, but not spoiling" quotes, so I don't spoil the story itself, but more like the way it's expressed.

I edited this to the main post:

"These are almost random quotes from a story document I'm working for an RPG. It includes two different sides, that create the feeling of making the player choose whether he/she is bad or good. Afterwards confusing the player for what is good and what is bad, what is right and what is wrong.

The game will introduce humour (badly expressed in below quotes), action and whatnot. The game has clear main protagonists, but choosing the good/bad side for them is hard in the end when the reality and backgrounds become more and more clear to the player."

So......what are you asking?

-MAZ :/

Waay to much "...". Use the ellipses very sparingly.

Ah, the "..." are not shown in the game, they just express the silent moment.

Thanks for the comment anyways.


EDIT: If it still isn't clear, I want any sane comments about my way to write, dialogue advancement and so on.

Sorry if this comes across as slightly undeserved, but it generally seems like your dialogue is a straight rip from any number of cutesy RPGs that already exist, as does by what I've seen the setting, and character archetypes.

I would suggest that you just spend a couple of days talking a lot less than usual, and listening to the manner in which people communicate, and working on your abilities to emulate that. It seems that your dialogue is simply a bit unrealistic at times, and the flow can be somewhat awkward too. I would work on pacing, and diction mostly. Furthermore, if I were you I would focus on how people introduce humour to conversations, and how it is received.

At the moment it feels like a straight rip from an anime, with grossly exagerated responses to terrible puns or insults. Personally, I can't help but see a bunch of wildly animated chibi heads with lots of sweat-drop and burning forehead animations when reading your dialogue, and thus it becomes rather indistinguishable from most mainstream anime/manga inspired dialogue.

Now, if what I described above was basically what you were aiming for, I apologise for expressing an unwanted opinion, and continue as you are doing, apart from trying to improve it obviously, since there is always room for improvement.

Wohoo! Finally a real comment!

Yes I noticed this too. I'm currently just working the story parts and writing the basic flow of dialogues. Hell, if I don't revise these, I'm doomed.
I will remove some lame puns and things like that later, but I have to get the main line ready.

Quote: I would suggest that you just spend a couple of days talking a lot less than usual, and listening to the manner in which people communicate, and working on your abilities to emulate that.

I'll try this one out. I think I know few persons who match up with two characters, by the way they express things.

Quote: At the moment it feels like a straight rip from an anime, with grossly exagerated responses to terrible puns or insults. Personally, I can't help but see a bunch of wildly animated chibi heads with lots of sweat-drop and burning forehead animations when reading your dialogue, and thus it becomes rather indistinguishable from most mainstream anime/manga inspired dialogue.

Yeah, I'm not targeting to this nor I'm not avoiding it. I try to push the story on, with some lame puns to cheer me up.

Quote: Now, if what I described above was basically what you were aiming for, I apologise for expressing an unwanted opinion, and continue as you are doing, apart from trying to improve it obviously, since there is always room for improvement.

Not a problem. I actually was waiting for this. Critism and flames are more useful than usual comments. They make you think of doing it right the second time.

EDIT: I actually tried to avoid the "Traumatic orphan setting" as well as I could. As far as the story goes, no orphans or no superpowers with super special effects. One traumatic childhood event yes, but it's part of the story. I try to avoid cliché's as well as I can. Still keeping in mind that player does not want to stay in one place too long, so the story has to advance all the time. Character biographies give information that skips through the "oh, you're not our son" -thing. I tried to get rid of the town as quickly as possible. It seems I need to spend more time in there and reveal the "surprising" fact more carefully.