Hello, my name is Mark, I'm making a science-fiction game with few characters and I would like to know if their monologues are "cool" enough and without any mistakes, so please tell me what do you think about them :) Narrator Intro - There was a time, when several civilizations merged, creating new dominion and leaving all, who refused to establish their will. - For centuries the will evolved and then it made the last terms of collaboration. - Again, humanity refused... and that was its fall. Outro - You have made your decision and now you are the witness of our times. - When the defeated fall, the victorious create new order. - This order is our destiny now and we shall fulfil it. No matter what the cost. Navigator - Hello there, I'm your navigator. - I will guide you through your first mission and send you all the necessary data. - Now, download Personal system and Centaur and Wraith software. You will need them to connect to the system and deal with fortress defence. - Great... here, on the world screen you can see your first district. Your software will detect any fortress and we will try to hack it. Last month we lost our last stand in open conflict, so from now on it's the only way to break through. - Now... choose your first mission and connect to the system. - Okay, it should be easy. They are trying to track us using an old satellite system, so we don't have to hurry. If we want to get into their data we have to decrypt their codes. - Now, I will try to find the first combination. - Okay, this was an easy one... now it's your turn. Just remember, that you can stop the system transfer and think about your situation at anytime. - Okay, we're in. Now, use your software to destroy the marked area. If you want, you can try to destroy as much as you can, but it takes time and if they track us I will be forced to disconnect. - Great... now we can disconnect the main terminal in this district. I hope this is a better way than fighting up there. - And, by the way... my name is Kate. - Wait... someone's still trying to break my connection. - I know that someone's trying to convince you not to fight for our cause but... just try to ignore him. - I can't believe it. We were so close and you decided to destroy everything. Why did you do that? Why? - At last, this is the end of our struggle. I knew that you would manage to do it. - Hello there. - Okay, I'm ready. - There you go. - Great. - Excellent. - Outstanding. - Excellent, you have completed your mission. - Damn... they're tracking us... I have to disconnect. - That was close... let's try that again. The Will - Greetings. I am your destiny now and know, that I shall be watching over you. - Centuries ago humanity was divided. One fraction decided to create a new origin. The second one turned to its fall. - It will be your priority to choose, which fraction survives and proves the strength of its will. - Know, that the great conflict between our dominions had one main question to solve. Who is evolutionarily stronger. - I am connected with all beings and know, that they establish my will. As one overmind I have the knowledge of our ancestors and present, the united side of mankind. - Know, that I am your only way. Find it and feel the triumph of my will. - Know, that we are perfect in every way. Unite with us and it will be shared. - Our civilization does not count on human flesh with its weakness. We do not know diseases, death or any suffering. We do not know disagreement, because we are united and from that unity our cause arises. - For centuries people have obeyed their will, so from now on it is right to obey me. - It is the last stand before our end. Now it is your priority to decide... what shall it be? Choose wisely. - You and your pathetic race... You all shall pay for this. - Perfect... perfect my child... you have done well. Our cause has been saved and we can feel our victory... - Now... open your system and unite with me.

I see what you're going for, but some of the wording is a little awkward.

I would post some suggestions, but I'm not quite sure what the context of this dialogue is. If you could explain a little more about your game in a out-of-character format, it would help us understand what you want to make.

Okay... it is a casual, science fiction game about conflict between two civilizations - Humanity (player and Navigator) and Robots (controlled by The Will). We, as a player with help of our Navigator are trying to get information from robot's fortresses and The Will is trying to convince us to stop it. :)

Before last mission we can choose who we want to attack - humanity or again robots and finish them. :)

I agree that the tone is awkward. I couldn't tell whether the dialogues are meant to be in character or out of character.

The tone in the "Navigator" section sounds like a tutorial that is too casual. It sounded like a tutorial for a clay-modelling class given to psychotic (brainwashed) childern. It could either be that the writing is inappropriate, or that the game is in fact dealing with psychotic child trainees.

There are more features that could be problem as well. For example, what you wrote under Narrator\Intro is not really attractive. It was plain. You might want to give us some context on how and when each section is delivered.

I'm sorry, that I didn't mentioned about that. The first part of "Navigator" is speech exactly for the game tutorial before first mission (like in other casual games I think) :)

The bad news: you suck.

The good news:

http://www.amazon.com/Writing-Stephen-King/dp/0743455967
http://www.amazon.com/Elements-style-William-Strunk/dp/0979660742/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1195399121&sr=1-1

Hello, I think that those books won't help me, because I am not too good in english (maybe it is the reason that this text isn't good). I work in my country as a scriptwriter (people in publishing house don't complain), so maybe it is not matter of style, but of not perfect skill in english language. Could You help me and tell, what is not good? And is it a really not good text for casual game? :)

Alright, well if you're going to write well in English, you'll need a little bit better grasp of the syntax. You're not doing badly for a non-native speaker, but it needs work.

I think those books would help you in two ways: the craft itself, regardless of language has certain guidelines that would be helpful for you, and the act of reading a book in English like those would help you get better at English itself. Both books, especially "On Writing" are very approachable -- they aren't hard to read at all, I think you'd do fine.

Thanks for help, maybe I will look for native speaker and he will change this text :)