I never taught i would find writing so much fun, but last week i had nothing to do, and I wanted to take a break from programming, so i tried writing something ... It's crap, because I don't read much, and (obviously) have never written before, but it was still fun ... Now, can someone point me to some sources that would help me build my writing style, some good literature to read I also wanted to ask if anyone can point out the mistakes i make writing, i know they exist, I'm just too inexperienced to put my finger on them ... So hear is a little snippet from the text i wrote :

Quote: How... How can I go on now ? Knowing what I have done... Knowing everything I once held dear, now lies burned to ashes. Ashes and dirt, covering their faces at the bottom of that place. My people, my loved ones... gone. An to know that I was the one responsible for all this ... I can see now what a fool I have been, how my arrogance made me lose everything I had. A home sheltered from the world of violence, a place where love and respect were the basis of culture, place untouched by death, protected by the “Great Spirit” I once foolishly mocked ... The Eyllan wood... Spring was the only season there... Planes that blossomed with flowers, filled with colors... Fields and a river that provided us with everything we could ever need. The “tree of life”, our home that protected us from creatures that strayed and gave us shelter in the night. It was a place we were born, and destined to live our “eternal lives” until the “end of days”... A life of freedom... freedom from mortality, free from the corruption of the “outer world” ... Words "evil" and "death" were left unknown to us... all that perfection came with one rule to follow. The rule ... Holy rule given to us by the “great spirit”, never questioned in eons of Eyllan existence... To think how I considered it a prison ... the very rule I thought “chaining” us... It was the thing that kept us free... What a fool i was to brake it, to think it lie... A lie made up by the “elders”, that that served to imprison us ... a fool indeed... Perhaps it was the young man curiosity, stirred by the stories of “outer world”. Foolish thoughts on freedom, on life ... In the end only arrogance can explain my actions. But did the punishment fit the crime ? Did I deserve this ? The price I paid ? The price they paid ? Was it not too much ? Seeing my homeland destroyed by the daemons of “Nemalis”, how could I deserve this ?! My home, never before touched by war ... as soon as the daemons appeared... they fell... as leaves fall to the wind... without resistance ... their minds so innocent, they couldn't understand... the horror... In the end, daemons left none standing... The wood is dead now and the border river flows no more... it now is a swamp, swamp filled with blood... filled with corpses... corpses of my people ... lying there butchered... their blood in the water... screaming... I alone hear it... from souls once so pure, now only revenge is sought... this guilt is mine to bare... revenge for the wrong done to them, it is mine to bring... All I am left with now is guilt, a burden that I will carry for the rest of my time, haunted for the thing I did... I live to silence their voices... give them peace... is the thirst for revenge enough to keep me alive ?

What needs to be changed, in what direction should I go, what reading ... any input is welcome, since (as already stated) I have no experience in this ...

Less elipses would be useful, and Is are in capitals when standalone. The reason I say less elipses is because it ruins the pacing somewhat, also, remember to use grammar properly.

Well, the poor grammar really detracts from the overall read. So I'd recommend using a spellchecker or something before you post more stuff.

The overall tone also annoys me a bit. Like so many games (let's say, 95%), the narration is almost beyond melodramatic. The emotions of guilt pretty much saturate the entire speech, leaving little or no subtleties. it was basically like Hayden Christensen's acting in the Star Wars movies.

And, I really hate to say this, but I just found it extremely generic and run-of-the-mill. It wasn't presented in a fresh way, the story felt like nearly every other story strapped to a fantasy game out there. It reminded me a lot of the speeches made in the Warcraft games, and there needs to be something in your excerpt which makes it fresh and original, not a simple rehash.

Keep in mind this critique is based off a very short example; there may be more you haven't posted, but this is the impression I was left with after reading this particular piece.

Quote: DelphinusLess elipses would be useful, and Is are in capitals when standalone. The reason I say less elipses is because it ruins the pacing somewhat, also, remember to use grammar properly.

I taught I could set a dramatic/guilt mood, guess i overdid it
grammar note - English is my second language, and I have very little official education, but open office said it was fine when i spellchecked it (i edited it in the post later, so that's probably the source of errors)

Quote: Original post by Sulphix
Well, the poor grammar really detracts from the overall read. So I'd recommend using a spellchecker or something before you post more stuff.

Noted ;)

Quote: Original post by Sulphix
The overall tone also annoys me a bit. Like so many games (let's say, 95%), the narration is almost beyond melodramatic. The emotions of guilt pretty much saturate the entire speech, leaving little or no subtleties. it was basically like Hayden Christensen's acting in the Star Wars movies.

And, I really hate to say this, but I just found it extremely generic and run-of-the-mill. It wasn't presented in a fresh way, the story felt like nearly every other story strapped to a fantasy game out there. It reminded me a lot of the speeches made in the Warcraft games, and there needs to be something in your excerpt which makes it fresh and original, not a simple rehash.

Thank you, this is exactly what I wanted.. heck even when I read it it felt like it was from some game I played but can remember. This is the actual problem - all of my experience comes from games, since I always avoided any books/reading... That's sort of why I posted. I didn't want to present my story, it was just an example so you could point me in the direction for further reading, some examples of good writing style that i could use as a reference, something like : see book x for a good example y ... I know i probably wont make a mistake by reading any book, but it will be easier to notice things when I know what to look for (IMO at least)

Well, if you're looking for books with great first person narration, then I'd recommend Catcher in the Rye (my personal favorite) and/or Crime and Punishment. Both novels create a unique character by utilizing the protagonist's speech in as many ways as possible. Unfortunately, I haven't yet read Moby Dick, but I'm sure it also is a great example of first person narration.

If it's a new world you're looking to create, then I'm gonna point you to Neuromancer. It's a great cyberpunk novel that literally throws the reader into its world. Everything about it is so colorful and well thought. It's really one of the few "created" worlds that really sells itself. If it's a fantasy setting you're looking to create, then of course I'm gonna have to give the obligatory Lord of the Rings recommendation. While I'm not a big fan of the book myself, it does have excellent mythology and creates its universe quite well.

Well, if you're looking for books with great first person narration, then I'd recommend Catcher in the Rye (my personal favorite) and/or Crime and Punishment. Both novels create a unique character by utilizing the protagonist's speech in as many ways as possible. Unfortunately, I haven't yet read Moby Dick, but I'm sure it also is a great example of first person narration.

If it's a new world you're looking to create, then I'm gonna point you to Neuromancer. It's a great cyberpunk novel that literally throws the reader into its world. Everything about it is so colorful and well thought. It's really one of the few "created" worlds that really sells itself. If it's a fantasy setting you're looking to create, then of course I'm gonna have to give the obligatory Lord of the Rings recommendation. While I'm not a big fan of the book myself, it does have excellent mythology and creates its universe quite well.

it seems as if your main interest lies in fantasy, so I'll take this chance to somewhat shamelessly recommend one of my favourite authors: Robin Hobb, particularly the Farseer Trilogy, as this portrays strong first person narration, an interesting and unique storyline, and the books are set with in ms. Hobb's own fantasy universe. While her world has many of the more common elements of fantasy, she avoids writing generic stories, which in my opinion is rather lacking in this day and age, especially with the recent resurrection of Lord of the Rings due to the movies. Another of Hobb's strengths is that the worlds she creates are very believable, and is ever-changing and developing around the character, instead of the usually very static worlds created by many authors, with the protagonists being the only truly developing force.

On the flipside, I would recommend reading Eragon, so that you might learn what to avoid. I at least find that it is a terribly generic book, and while the writing is not poor, it certainly lacks the grace of more sophisticated writers, and Paolini is rather guilty of creating a very generic story, disguised by one or two creative things, such as some of his monsters, and locations. I believe that if Paolini had been able to avoid some of the fantasy pitfalls such as orphaned poor male protagonists turned hero and falling in love with elven princesses, and 'evil' forces that are 'evil' for the sake of being 'evil', he could potentially have written a much stronger, and engaging story, that would have greater success is suspending our disbelief.

I also find that good writers describe the events that make someone 'evil' or antagonistic, by giving them motivations and reason to do what they do, which may be that, what they consider good for themselves, and even their people may be at conflict with what the protagonist attempts to achieve. Strong writers like Hobb and various others, do not create 'good and evil' as such, they create worlds with factions at war, and choose to view this from the perspective of the faction that shares most similarities with their target audience, making them more likable to their audience, on merit of familiarity.

so please, if you're writing the script/story of a game you may make, it would be pleasant to see antagonistic forces that aren't clad in black and made of pure evil, that are trying to destroy the world, for the sake of destroying it. Maybe these daemons were jealous of the beauty of this forest of yours, maybe they couldn't stand to see such beauty, perhaps they used to exhibit such grace and beauty, but were corrupted with hollow promises, perhaps this led them to destroy the forest. This, while still showing the daemons as antagonistic gives them reason to take their actions, they are not doing so because they are 'evil', what they do may seem evil to the people of the forest, hell, even to your audience, but wouldn't it have been pure torture to watch the beauty of the forest in longing memory? isn't it natural to try insulate yourself from this pain? and maybe the only way for the daemons to do this was to destroy it before it tore them apart. Even daemons must have their motivations in my opinion, because we all have reason for what we do, we tend to do what most consider cruel things out of spite for those we dislike, jealousy for that we feel we should possess, or perhaps a differing perspective does not make it seem cruel to us, but only natural.

-PD (sorry about the lengthy post...I just can't help myself ^__^'')

Seiner English ist sehr gut. Dass Sie kann ins ein andere spreche schrieben ist mehr als viele sagen kann.

Was that right? Mein german needs some work. (Does it end with schrieben sagen kann?) The point is, it's hard enough for me to write in english, so you shouldn't be too hard on yourself for trying it.

Ellipses are like salt, they add flavor, but if you use too much/many there's no easy way to fix it. They aren't quite as important as salt, because I like salty food, so actually they're more like pepper, but the rule still applies.

There is only one book I will ever recommend to anyone in the English language unless he or she asks me to recommend a book. Coincidentally, that book is "The Elements of style" by William Strunk, and E.B. White. Isbn 020530902. (Or it's here for free http://books.google.com/books?id=IAy6NCD0Iq0C&dq=The+Elements+of+style&pg=
PP1&ots=fHWesnV7WX&sig=mZa2XP2PApKa5hrJUh3lPRN3beE&prev=http://www.google.com/
search%3Fhl%3Den%26q%3DThe%2BElements%2Bof%2Bstyle%26btnG%3DGoogle%2BSearch&sa=
X&oi=print&ct=title)


It is cheap, small, and contains everything you will ever need to know about writing in English. This book is worth the effort. You should read it.

Short Short Short
Elements of style = Kauf


That said, other books that gefällt mir, that you might want to read are "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" (ISBN: 0345453743), which is particularly English from Eng-land if you feel me. Here's a quote: (Arthur Dent's house) "Not a remarkable house by any means--it was about thirty years old, squattish, squarish, made of brick, and had four windows set in the front of a size and proportion which more or less exactly failed to please the eye."

That's my favorite book. Just read the first one though, if you like it, wait and read the others later. Too much of the stuff and you get jaded to it.


I also like Fahrenheit 451 (or Zweihundertzweiunddreisig grad, if you will) which was written by Ray Bradbury, ISBN 0345342968.

Also, I really enjoy Mark Twain and Abraham Lincoln (seriously) although I don't read their stuff very often.

And finally, the book the Alchemist by a (Brazilian?) man named Paulo Coelho, ISBN: 0061122416.

These books are all pretty short. The thing with stories is that they tap into a certain part of the human experience, and as long as people share that experience they can understand the story. That's why you verstehen kann my wisecracks auf deutsch. Provided you speak german of course. Your thing says Berlin, so I just assumed...

Anyway, you need that (a soul) to understand a story, but it has to be delivered just right in order to resonate with people. Some things, like pain/suffering resonate stronger than others, but it still has to be crafted. Here's an edit of one of your lines:

"My home, never before touched by war .... As soon as the daemons appeared they fell as leaves fall to the wind, without resistance, their minds so innocent; they couldn't understand the horror."

I like this myself. I think an actor could take this line and then make someone feel it. I've seen that sort of thing before yeah, but well, I just liked it.

The way I see it, the only thing you need to tell a story to someone is your own humanity. I know that sounds kind of flaky, but I really think it's the case. Just keep practicing, you can tell a story if you want.