The battle raged on and on so long that the commanders had lost all control. It had descended into a giant brawl where all were possessed by an uncontrollable fever neither side knowing or caring which were losing, no thought of running ever entering their minds. Their only purpose was to kill the enemy in front of them. They hacked and slashed with their claws and bladed weapons, the flesh and blood beneath them increasing exponentially. After a time it was noticed by some that one side was decreasing at a quickening rate. It was not certain that the losing side was aware of this fact or even if they were that it would've mattered. The smaller they got the more fiercely and more furiously they fought. Eventually in their rage they began to realise their cause was lost as the sides began to close around them. They fought on regardless, harder and harder, enjoying the destruction and rending they wrought upon the enemy. Eventually the last man standing was ceremoniously separated from his limbs. The winners momentum not entirely spent, they carried on smashing at the flesh around and beneath their feet, slowly, they relaxed and these beastly creatures raised their arms and roared. After the soldiers had disappeared, the battlefield was seen to be awash with blood and not a speck of ground was showing through the mess of corpses, limbs and sundered body parts. The sky was as red as the blood with neither a cloud nor a sun in it although it appeared to be day. No carrion creatures were descending upon the battlefield all was a silent eerie air. In the distance came small creatures no bigger than a bear. They stood upon sharp foot long stilts and carried a long bladed spear. When they reached the field they eagerly pounced upon the cadavers and proceeded with glee to hack and slice and stamp with a ferocious energy. Any body hillocks they lifted and moved, so all was spread out and flat. They mashed with a hungry manic energy, tongues hanging out breathlessly. Until all could be heard was a squelching splashing sound as their blades hit nothing of substance. They slowed, stopped, their stilts, fully submerged in a swampy mass of mulchy blood and flesh, which on closer viewing could be recognised an eye or wormy intestine but most was to small and mashed. The creatures looked around and their shoulders slumped, and they splashed away dejectedly. It doesnt really have a purpose yet, it could be a small piece of a hell or world. It's mainly just a test an exercise. I'm not certain that I want to write or that I'm any good at it(some have intimated in the past that I may be), it seems such work and so difficult but anyway I guess I have to try to find out. Well what do you think. I had a problem with trying to get it to flow from one thing to another and how much I wanted to describe, it did almost become a ryhme at points. Also it was difficult to write without a particular point of view to it and, Apart from nausea how did it make you feel if anything. Thanks for any feedback. [Edited by - Torquemeda on November 4, 2006 7:52:06 AM]

Quote: Original post by Torquemeda
The battle raged on and on so long that the commanders had lost all control. It had descended into a giant brawl where all were possessed by an uncontrollable fever neither side knowing or caring which were losing, no thought of running ever entering their minds. Their only purpose was to kill the enemy in front of them. They hacked and slashed with their claws and bladed weapons, the flesh and blood beneath them increasing exponentially.

After a time it was noticed by some that one side was decreasing at a quickening rate. It was not certain that the losing side was aware of this fact, even if they were, that it would've mattered. The smaller they got the more fiercely and more furiously they fought. Eventually in their rage they began to realise that their cause was lost as the sides began to close around them. They fought on regardless, harder and harder, enjoying the destruction and rending they wrought upon the enemy.

Eventually the last man standing was ceremoniously separated from his limbs. The winners momentum not entirely spent. They carried on smashing at the flesh around and beneath their feet. Slowly, they relaxed and these beastly creatures raised their arms and roared. After the soldiers had left the land was seen to be awash with blood and not a speck of it was showing through the bodies and limbs indescribable body parts.

The sky was as red as the blood with neither a cloud nor a sun in it, although it appeared to be day. No carrion creatures were descending upon the battlefield, all was a silent eerie air. In the distance came small creatures no bigger than a bear. They stood upon sharp foot long stilts and carried a long bladed spear.

When they reached the field they eagerly pounced upon the cadavers and proceeded with glee to hack and slice and stamp with a ferocious energy. Any body hillocks they lifted and moved, so all was spread out and flat. The mashed with a hungry manic energy, tongues hanging out breathlessly. Eventually all could be heard was a squelching splashing sound as their blades hit nothing of substance. They slowed, stopped, their stilts were fully submerged in a swampy mass of mulchy blood and flesh, on closer viewing could be recognised an eye or wormy intestine but most was to small. The creatures looked around and their shoulders slumped and they splashed away dejectedly.

It's good, although i thought you used wording like "and all was..." too much, that got a bit tiresome to read. I think you also used awash too much.

Good work,

Dave

Quote: It's good, although i thought you used wording like "and all was..." too much, that got a bit tiresome to read. I think you also used awash too much.

I think I used "Eventually" a bit to much as well. Its difficult finding words to begin sentences with, and I wasnt sure "Furiouser" was really a word. Well thanks for the feedback.

Very well I shall try and explain some of the points that you bought and which may explain what its actually about. Most of it I didnt mean it to make sense. Its set in its own world with its own rules in a kind of hell and has beings of which you do not really know what they are. The world behaves somewhat illogically to us. You have creatures which are just fighting for the purpose of fighting. Also you have what you believe are carrion creatures which behave like nothing of the sort, which instead mash the battlefield up. Most of the points you make are quite accurate. Perhaps I did not explain it as well as I hoped but anway thanks for the detailed analysis.

man, do not worry. you have a basic idea, so work on it. i did not critise your idea, just the implementation. and you took it well (not like some "delatores" that flower at this site). so, i would not worry, i would take the criticsm, change what you think is relevant and go on.